This is uncensored territory baby!

plans

2011-04-21T15:12:00.001-05:00

I have a plan. Actually, I have a few plans right now. I have a biz plan, a life plan, a fitness plan, a better parent plan and even a please God let me find a decent guy plan. When I think about all these plans, I have to stop to think about all the plans I've made over the last couple o decades… did I execute them? Were they even good?

I dunno… I think what I'm trying to get out here is that we can plan, plan, plan but life does not always follow and sometimes that it is a good thing. I did not plan to have 2 kids, but I wouldn't take anything for them. I did not plan to be a repeat offender when it comes to divorce but I have grown and learned a whole lot from it. I did not plan to be a stone's throw away from 40 before I figured out what I really want and/or need in another person but so be it…and now that I have it figured out, I do not want to settle. I may never find it but I have done too much settling and it led to disaster each and every time.

I did not plan to not have finished my undergrad degree at this age; however, I have a good job and do pretty well for myself & kids. Actions and choices really put you where you are, at least that is true for me.

I want to improve and grow as a person… I want to be happy, healthy and positive. I want my kids to remember their childhood in a mostly positive light. Nobody is perfect and I know I've made mistakes but I've tried really hard to provide a better life for them than what I had growing up. I hope my kids end up with better lives for their kids than I provided them…isn't that the hope of most parents?

Did I plan to be HERE in my late 30s? Nope, but the key is that I'm ok with where I am and who I am and that took a very long time. I will continue to move along life's path and plan what I can but ultimately I have to DO. I can do. I will do.

Most of the time when I blog, I am anxious or stressed or feeling crappy about stuff and toss out a lot of negative … I guess today I wanted to try to give myself some kudos…although I did not exactly go about it in a very direct way.

Life is short. Embrace your awesome.

2011-04-18T15:09:00.001-05:00

Excellent start to the week... had to call 911 this morning cuz I had a hella bad anx attack- couldnt breathe & chest hurt sooo bad. Was scary but all ok now.

2011-04-12T22:11:00.001-05:00

I will be coming to a crossroad in a few days. I'm testing a situation where I feel I've been underappreciated. Am I prepared for the answer? Gotta be.

Tuesday Tirade

2011-04-12T12:57:00.001-05:00

Lots of stuff runnin thru me brain so I'm just gonna type & post. Put on your helmets.

There are a few times of year I really enjoy – NHL Trade Deadline Day in Feb/March, NHL Playoffs (better of course when the Stars make it but they showed forward motion so I'm good), July 1^st free-for-all for UFAs, Fall and Spring. Hmmm…most of that was hockey related, trust me it speaks volumes about the utter lack of social life I have but that is another post for another day perhaps. I like Spring because the weather is great – not too hot & not too cold, flowers are blooming and it just feels like new to me…like a time for changes or whatever. I guess we have the term 'Spring Cleaning' for a reason, huh? My bday is in the Spring which almost always brings out reflections about life, family, friends, etc. I have been kinda blah and feelin sorry for myself because I have no plans for my bday. I will probably be at home by myself like most of the recent bdays I've had….then I realized something – if I went back to one year ago this week, would I rather be there or here? Without hesitation I can tell you the answer is HERE. Realizing this makes me feel better. Last year my life was absolutely miserable and now I am happier and in a better place physically & mentally. While it seemed like quite a sucker punch at the time (T bailing), it is yet another example of everything happening for a reason and working out well….for this I am truly thankful.

Another thing that I am happy about it is that I have been able to make a few new friends, catch up with a couple of old friends and keep growing the friendships I already had. I'm not always the most social person ever so while I want to be spending time with friends, it does not always happen. The last few days I've been in a real funk… I want the comfort of my friends but I never quite know how to reach out for it. I've always had that problem and it has caused me to feel isolated to the point of where its crushing. I have a good group of friends, I know they'd help me if I needed it…I simply hit the wall when it comes to letting them know I need them.

Speaking of old friends, I genuinely had FUN a few weeks ago when I got to see a pal I haven't talked to or seen in almost 20 years. There were no kids, no hockey parents and no drama. Life is short, I need to have more "fun".

TGC's hockey season is finally over. I am relieved. It was stressful and kept me so busy I barely had any time for anything else from August to April 1^st. That is a long damn time to be chained to anything….I hope she appreciates it when she's older haha I have not had the heart to tell her yet that she likely played her last game with the org she played for this past season. She ages up and I fear that it is simply outside my means. She never asks for anything but to play for this organization and I feel pretty fkn crappy that I will likely not be able to do that for her.

I'm tired of always being the one who makes the effort - I know that seems random but it means something to me. I may expand on it later or I may just let it sit there for a while. Felt good to just put it there though.

Ahhh and just like every good crazy, the little black rain cloud has turned into a combination of sarcasm & disdain. In other words, I feel like me again hahhahahaha

2011-04-11T20:39:00.001-05:00

actions > words. Discuss.

2011-04-11T13:29:00.001-05:00

Its been a while, blog. Life is a lil less chaotic now, thankfully. I have a bday comin up so I'm feeln a lil of the "another year & what have I done". More ltr

tuesday

2011-04-05T14:41:00.001-05:00

giddy giddy giddy giddy

had a great trip to CA, saw a pal I havent seen in YEARS, TGC got to meet her hero, I got to chat up my fave Stars goalie cuz they stayed at the same hotel Sat night (woohoo) and someone was geniunely happy to see me when I got back :) I am honestly not use to that but wow was it cool :) things going very very slow there... but that is good, very good... for everyone.

2011-03-10T23:46:00.001-06:00

I am freakin exhausted. It seems like I haven't had ten mins to myself forever. I am trying to figure out how to pay for tgc to play nxt season. I am STRESSED.

2011-02-26T22:54:00.001-06:00

Week from hell. Probs w/TGC, person close to me had death in fam & I truly hate seein ppl I care about being so upset. Found TGC's diary...not good. Not good.

2011-02-17T00:20:00.001-06:00

Hi blog, its been a while. Things are going pretty good I guess. I do need to write here more though. Its suppose to be therapy replacement lol yeah, right.

2011-02-09T01:43:00.005-06:00

but I am hoping it is done... damn.

2011-02-09T01:43:00.003-06:00

unfairness of VDay to my disappointments as a parent. However today I think I am cried out, over the hormonal storm & back to semi-normal. It was a beast

2011-02-09T01:43:00.001-06:00

So I have had what feels like some kind of horrific hormonal malfunction the last few days. I have snotted about everything frm sappy commercials to the

Monday Musings

2011-02-07T12:59:00.001-06:00

Personally, I like Tuesday Tirade better but today is Monday so… just had to roll with it.

Arctic Armageddon:

Last week we had the worst storm DFW has seen in 20 years (heard the 20yr number on the news…no idea if it is accurate or not & don't really care). School was out for a week, most people were off work for a week and there was severe cabin fever running rampant. But hey, at least we all had Facebook… *eye roll* I was sick all last week so the timing actually worked out pretty good. I watched a ton of movies so all good on my end.

Super Bowl:

I would be hard pressed to find 2 teams I actually cared less about to play in the Super Bowl. I like Aaron Rodgers simply because he is not Brett Favre, otherwise I cant stand the Packers and I really cannot stand the Steelers. I hope every single one of them are on their way out of my fine metroplex as I type this. Go on now…shoo!

General Attitude:

I have been in a foul mood lately. Actually, I've been quite sad. I just sent a bat $hit bonkers email to a buddy of mine and he'll likely just write back and put "umm take your meds" hahhaha but it really does kind of sum up how wonky I have felt the last couple of days. Here's part of what I wrote –

ooooh and Valentine's Day is coming up a week from today... and this weekend I will be stuck on a charter bus with all the parent going to Houston. I am the only single parent. I hate VDay... yes, it is because I am bitter. Yes, it is bcuz it reminds me what a mess I've made out of my life and what horrific choices I've made in the dude department. And finally, yes...it is because it is a glaring reminder that I've used up all my chances on stupid vile people and I will be the crazy old cat woman that all the kids are afraid of...forever with nobody to send or get Valentines.

stop rolling your eyes... I'm not "chick-ish" very often but this is one area that just freakin kills... love doesnt exist. It is dead and I killed it. I should stay drunk til its all over. LOL If I see one more GD "show her you care, get her a...." commercial, I swear to Jesus I am gonna stab someone. STAB. DEAD.

Dramatic much? Yeah, I know. I'm listening to someone at my office complain about having to take her kid to baseball practice. Her husband or son usually do that for her… there is only one of me. I would LOVE to have someone else to say "oh Blah Blah is taking the girl and her 2 tons of stuff to practice tonight"… Inspector Gadget did it for about a month but he got a job. THANK GOD…I am so very thankful he got a job. All I have ever wanted was someone to help me, appreciate me and for us to take care of each other. Man, I have royally jacked that one up. Clearly it is time for me to just embrace the single thing. Accept that I am just gonna be single for a long time and own it. I am NOT one of those pathetic people who wallows around in pity. No. I may whine every now n then about stuff but I reserve the right to whine from time to time. Sooooo…. as I have done since hockey season started, I have pretty much made sure I was involved with this or that committee and it has worn me the F out but for the most part, it has also made me too tired to realize I was sad about anything hahahahaha And no, it is not the ordeal with T lingering to rear it's ugly head to give me a few last pains. That hurt a lot at first but honestly, it faded pretty quickly. It was dead long before he bailed, I just did not want to see or admit it.

My schedule this week sucks but the one redeeming thing about this week is I'm suppose to go to the Stars game on Wednesday! WOO HOOO!!!

Ahhh I feel better already! J

2011-01-22T14:02:00.001-06:00

I have been so emotional the last few days. Probably just tired but I am ready for the whimpering to stop lol I don't much care for it :)

2011-01-20T14:14:00.001-06:00

Feel like crap. Anxiety thru the roof, just experiencing a big honkin low point today *whimper*

2011-01-12T18:56:00.001-06:00

TGC is struggling in math. I am trying to find a HS kid to tutor her. I am barely getting by as it is. I know I will get thru it but crikey...stupid stress!!!

2011-01-08T00:46:00.001-06:00

Sleep would be great, just freakin great... grrrr

ah ha!

2011-01-04T16:43:00.001-06:00

So one of the books I am reading right now is about how to read people and I just stumbled upon a great point:

"Know what you are looking for. Unless you know what you want in another person, there's a good chance you'll be disappointed"

Amen.

Tuesday Tirade

2011-01-04T14:02:00.001-06:00

Ok this probably wont be a tirade but I just like the name. I watched a show over the long holiday weekend called ADD & Loving It. It had aired a few weeks ago on PBS. Being a person who has been through a pretty major misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder and subsequently finding out that my major malfunction is ADD & anxiety, I like to read/watch all I can on both. This show in particular was really good because it focused on the positive qualities that those of us with ADD possess rather than droning on about "disease" and "disorder". It also touched upon something that made a lot of sense to me thus producing an "ah ha!" moment… apparently ADD/ADHD'ers like to have more external chaos going on in life as it keeps the internal chaos calm. After mulling that over, it makes total sense and thinking of all the ADD people that I know – including myself – it is pretty much true. LMSKP pointed out to me that it would drive her crazy to have the amount of chaos in her life that I have in mine….and here I thought I did not really have much chaos at the moment LOL Wrong, I guess. She also told me that she did not think we'd be friends had we met as adults because we are so different. Honestly, I am still not sure how to take that one.

It has taken me a long time to even get close to being ok with ME…who I am, what I'm about…and I'm still figuring that stuff out as I think everyone is cuz it's a process. I guess I just shrug it off as an observation and nothing more.

My divorce papers are finally in progress. I signed the first part and have sent it off to T to have him sign, notarize & return to me so I can file the petition. He said he wants to be friends but I do not see the point. There is nothing left there to even build a friendship on and I do not understand what benefit either of us would get out of it. He never respected me or my feelings. He put his friends before me every single time and that put me in third place because he always put himself first. I tried so hard to make things work but with the wrong person. I feel goofy for putting so much effort into something that did not deserve it.

Is it really too much to ask for someone to reciprocate affection, respect, trust, etc? I do not think it is but I also understand that I have chosen the wrong people to ask of those things. I will no longer fight myself on what I truly want/need in another person. I will also not put blinders on and just float along til things have drifted down a path that I had no control over because I chose not to have control over it. This is something I never even thought of in the past so progress is progress.

And what about timing? What if I find someone that seems to have the qualities that I want but it may appear "too soon"? Ugh… I just felt so alone so long even though I was with T that I would like to have a nice, healthy relationship but if it is with a friend how do I know when the line starts to get truly fuzzy between friendship and "more"? I need to know how to read people better and I need to be less afraid of asking questions early cuz it really would lessen the pain later. I get it, just hard to do.

2011-01-03T18:21:00.001-06:00

I feel very anxious today. The first part of January is hard for me. I am tryin to push thru but also tryin to feel what I feel instead of ignoring/avoiding it

2011-01-02T21:36:00.001-06:00

Day 2 of 2011 was good... I have some plans in place & determined to be productive, happy & healthy year. Will outline my plans for some accountability. Ltr!

2010-12-31T15:12:00.001-06:00

My new years eve has been pretty rockin so far & its not even close to midnight ;-)

2010...year in review

2010-12-30T13:52:00.001-06:00

I have done year in reviews since I have had the blog so why stop now? Had kinda made up my mind that I was not going to do one of these but I think it will be good for me to purge a lot of 2010's crap.

Overall, I will say that 2010 was a decent year. The first half was pretty freakin rough and I was beyond miserable. Being one of those "everything happens for a reason" folks, I took what happened with T and really thought about why did things end, what can I learn from this, how can TGC & I move on and make this a positive…and I think we have. We got to move back to the town that we both consider to be "home" and she is very happy to be back with her old friends at school, etc. I am just happier overall. I have grown closer to some of my friends, re-connected with a couple of old friends and tried to purge the negative as much as I can. I have a great group of friends who ARE happy to support & help me when I just get my head out & ask.

TGC has been playing elite travel hockey this season. She's doing well but it was a big adjustment for us both.

Boyzilla & Inspector Gadget moved right before school started this year…it was the first time Boyzilla had ever lived more than 20 mins from me. I did not much like it. He hated it. Thankfully they are back up here in DFW and all is good.

I've had heinous migraines since July of this year that after many, many tests and a brain tumor scare, has been linked to nerve damage in my neck caused from a wreck I had almost 4 years ago. Fun. I am in pain a lot but I manage. I do not have the option to not manage. I'm getting appropriate treatment for all of this but will likely have to have surgery to fix it sometime in 2011. And no, the irony is not lost on me with me now facing the possibility of neck surgery. Life is funny.

I got back in touch with a friend of mine that I have known since jr high. He was one of my best friends from 8-12^th grade. We never dated or anything, just were super good friends. I guess he was my first male bestie lol Anyway, he was here in the area (he now lives out of state) back in October and I am the worst person ever cuz I did not make a better effort to see him. Why? I have since told him why (again, big progress for me) but we have not seen each other in so long that I was afraid I would not be able to pull off being the shiny happy girl I was once we last hung out but then again, I don't really remember much about our high school days cuz I had a lot of bad drama going on at home. Was I able to hide it then? Am I able to hide it now? How can I tell him that I don't feel like a total failure when I do? I did not know and that caused me so much anxiety that I couldn't bring myself to look him in the face. October was probably the roughest transitional point for me this year though with the non-sense with T and TGC full into her season and me having no help with anything. As I mentioned, though, I did explain my malfunction and we've talked a lot about life since HS graduation. He played a significant part in life for me and I never really realized it until recently. He was the first person other than my brother who ever "protected" me. I wont go into daddy issues here cuz I have a ton of past entries about it but it never really clicked for me until now. Hmmm I guess he is gonna need a name here too cuz I'm sure we'll see each other at some point in 2011. He seems to drink a lot so how about Jack Daniels? Yep, he will now be known as Jack Daniels or JD.

Ninja Bear is not a "new" friend. I have known him for almost 2 years now I think? Anyway, we are buds and have become closer since T skipped town. I see quite a few posts about him in the coming weeks/months cuz we are friends but I gotta keep my emotions in check here cuz I totally like him, he's awesome but I would be crushed if our friendship got wrecked. Ugh… its confusing to me sometimes but I'm gonna ride the wave….nice n slow.

I am thankful to have a job and be as blessed as I am given the state of things for a lot of people. I try to be positive and remember it can always be worse when I feel icky….but I'll say it again – overall, 2010 was pretty decent. I know 2011 will be interesting and good for me & the kids cuz dammit…I will make it happen!

Have a safe & happy new year, folks!

The Grand Re-Opening!!

2010-12-30T12:48:00.001-06:00

I have tried a few times to start new blogs over the last year or so but I can never seem to get them going so after much consideration, I am going to open up this blog again. This was my first real attempt at blogging, exposing my true inner feelings/thoughts and if a blog can feel like home…well, this one is it. My Unstable Blogger site has history that I do not want to lose but also do not want to re-create in case I reference something in the past. Uncensored blogging was extremely helpful for me in many ways and I want to reclaim some of the benefit I found here.

Sure, there are a few people out there who found out who I was while I was actively blogging here and it freaked me out a little but a lot has changed. I still care, as anyone would, about people that I know finding the blog and reading some of my truly deepest feelings, etc but on the other hand, anyone who is really my friend and/or cares about me will not judge or care.

Those who mind, do not matter and those who matter, do not mind – I love this quote and feel it is absolutely true.

I need to catch up a bit to start things back up again… I realize nobody is reading now but in case I ever get anyone reading, I will try to at least fill the gap between my last post here and now.

It seems as though last time I posted, T was in the midst of neck surgery drama. He ended up having 2 surgeries – compliments of my insurance, of course. Once he thought he was fixed up, he bailed back to the God forsaken place he came from. Oh and when he bailed, I was experiencing one of the scariest health crisis of my life. I stuck by him through a NIGHTMARE of a time with his health issues and he bails first chance he gets. Another fine choice made by me in the dude department. After the shock wore off, I can see how he actually did TGC & I a favor by getting the hell out of our lives but it really wrecked TGC. I am battling to not have a man-hating, jaded, trust no one 12yo girl on my hands. I hope I am doing a good enough job of showing her not all men are tools who say one thing and/or act like their feelings are real then bail when they please but she still has intense dislike for him and feels he is just a liar.

He went on "vacation" in August back to the place he's originally from and I found out later that he never intended on coming back…he had a place rented, etc when he went there. I was told officially by text msg. He's a prize, eh? Clearly, it was not meant to be and I sincerely hope he is able to find himself and what makes him happy. We were a disaster and pretty much had been since we even started dating. I fought so hard to make the WRONG relationship work.

Live n learn…again.

Through much self reflection and 99.99% of my friends telling me how glad they were to see him gone, I realized a few things that I *REALLY* wish I would have figured out years ago.

1) I have fought myself on what I want/need in another person thus driving me repeatedly to the wrong people

2) It does not make me weak or inferior or anything negative to want to feel loved, respected, protected and safe with a person

3) I have been doing the best I can to hold everything together for as long as I can remember, I would love for someone to want to take care of me too (this was the true epiphany… I have given myself permission, so to speak, to want that in another person and not feel like I am being weak…BIG BIG progress here)

4) I do have a lot to offer in a relationship and its ok for me to ask for the other person to give as much as I do

Ok so now that I have that out of the way, here is my main concern - have I wasted all my chances to find true happiness in the love dept because I have made so many poor decisions? Who on Earth is gonna want someone with as many failed attempts as me? I cant think that way though… the "settling" for whomever seems to like me has also contributed to my string of love carnage.

The characters of my life are pretty much the same but will refresh just cuz…

LuvMeSomeKhakiPants (LMSKP) = friend I've known forever; she keeps it as real as anyone

Schtoop = one of my male BFFs…he's a great friend who has bailed my arse out of many a tight spot; no romantic involvement tho I questioned my feelings for him at one point in our friendship…we are way past that now

The Girl Child (TGC) = my now 12yo daughter

Boyzilla = my now 17yo son

Inspector Gadget (IG) = ex-husband/baby daddy and often times a giant pain in me arse lol

Ninja Bear (NB) = good friend of mine, male, TGC says is like a teddy bear with weapons…thus the name. His kid & my kid are friends. Our friendship has grown to a place where I'm not exactly sure where we are but we'll discuss that later

Ok so I think we're caught up and I look forward to the revival of The Unstable Blogger in 2011!

I'm Baaack... "grand re-opening" post coming shortly!

2010-12-30T12:16:00.000-06:00

Oh how I've missed this blog...

thursday

2010-03-18T14:26:00.001-05:00

T has his surgery next week and anxiety in my house could not possibly be higher for all of us. I think I've touched on this more than once but just in case, when you take a 'glass half full' person and a 'glass half empty' person and put them in high stress situations, it tends to not be real pretty. Just gonna stop there… better that way, trust me.

I'm trying to get disability going for T and then I get to start on Boyzilla's paperwork. Dr. God (he's not exactly my favorite person) said it was time to start the process for disability for Boyzilla. I knew the day was coming so it isn't like it is a total shock but it also does not make it any less difficult. I have accepted a lot of things and readjusted goals, expectations, etc for Boyzilla and we've come through it ok. Reset doesn't mean give up and none of us have so this is simply one more thing that needs to be done for Boyzilla to prepare for life as an adult.

I want to blog but I just cant seem to do it. This use to come really easy to me and now it just feels forced. Forced isn't fun or stress relieving or a decent outlet. All I really talk about with anyone is just superficial stuff but I don't want to talk about my feelings or family anymore. I did that and it caused me more problems than it solved.

Maybe my desire and ability to blog will come back…maybe it wont. I don't know but for right now, I really don't care.

donkey

2010-03-11T15:15:00.001-06:00

I love the movie Shrek and I often quote Donkey to say "I am a donkey on the edge".... and today, I am a donkey on the edge!!!!!

That is all, as you were....

a bunch of nothing

2010-02-22T14:38:00.001-06:00

I am slipping and every day it is harder to find my grip and keep myself from slipping further down into the hole I know all too well and do not want to be in. I have not been talking to anyone about much of anything of substance for a while and things are piling up fast. How do you tell someone you feel your hope slipping away without them thinking you are crazy or suicidal or both? That just isn't something I feel comfortable saying to another human being. I can write it here but I cannot say it. I am totally overwhelmed. I am tired. I am isolated. The problem with the isolation thing is that being isolated is my "normal" ..reaching out is not a comfortable or reassuring feeling for me, it is scary and makes me feel like throwing up although I have a deep need to be around people and feel the connections a lot of 'normal' people have – yeah, go figure. My husband is in constant pain and facing another surgery. He is completely caught up in his own stuff and I do not disparage him for that, it just is what it is. We do not talk much though because I do not want to burden him and he does not want to burden me. I have a hard time relating to him because it is constant negativity and I think he has a hard time relating to me because I don't know how he feels or that I don't take it serious enough?? I don't know but I am not one to wallow in despair, I want to fix it. Everyone is different… how they handle pain, situations and even life itself. He's a pooh and I'm a tigger. Sometimes that causes a pretty big problem. Oooh you are surprised I said I was a tigger, aren't you? Well, surprise! Despite the paralyzing anxiety and God awful bouts of depression here n there, I can actually find something positive in just about anyone and everything. Perhaps I AM insane LOL

Blogging does not really even help me like it once did. I just can't seem to tap into the emotion anymore. That causes me serious anxiety as well… so what now??

The Last Lecture

2010-02-09T16:04:00.001-06:00

A very good friend of mine gave me a book for Christmas this year called 'The Last Lecture' by Randy Pausch with Jeffrey Zaslow. I recently started reading it and it made me cry like a fool so I thought "oh nice… just what I need… more emotional outbursts to make me utterly miserable" but then I realized this book is actually EXACTLY what I need. Clearly, she knew this before I did.

I do not want to give away anything about this book because it is amazing and I highly recommend reading it. It will make you take a serious look at the things that are truly important to you and what message/lessons you would want to impart to your children, friends, family and maybe the world if you were given the opportunity to do so. It has been a long time since something has really moved me like this book has but it has and it has prompted me to write up my own "last lecture" –which I think is likely the point for everyone who reads the book whether you are facing a potential life threatening situation or not.

For me personally, it is not so much about what I would want to impart to the world but what I would want to impart to my children first and foremost and a few others who are important to me; however, the best thing about this exercise is that it can be whatever you want it to be. Aspirations to impart a really important message to the world is a great goal to have and you should strive to do so…make your last lecture about that very thing and make it happen.

So… here is my own mini version "last lecture", the first draft anyway. I need more time to write a longer one but fully intend to do so as I think it will be one of the most therapeutic things I've ever done.

Life Lessons.

There are a few things I wish someone would have told me early in life but maybe I needed to learn and/or discover them myself in order to really "get" the message. There are other things that I just feel are important to know to get through life. I would like to share some of these things with you now --- Write your own rulebook for life but be careful to not write too much of anyone else's. Set your own measurement for happiness. Money will not buy you the things that matter most in life but it is a necessary element to live – keep that in perspective and you will be much farther along than most people. Your emotional, spiritual and physical health are all precious gifts, never take any of them for granted or assume they'll be fine on "auto pilot". Nobody will respect or cherish you if you cannot do it yourself. Every human being has value, no exceptions. You can find common ground with just about anyone as long as both of you can speak without prejudice. It is ok to dislike someone based on things like poor character, lack of basic respect for others and/or a characteristic of who they are or what they are about as a person…everyone is different and not everyone gets along all the time. It is not ok to dislike someone based on their skin color, sexual orientation, religion, culture or any other trait that simply stems from it being different from you. It is never ok to hate. Never ever lose hope no matter what happens and never let your dreams die. The power of positive thinking is REAL.

Relationships.

I've had so many failures here but through those failures I feel like I can share some pretty big "aha! moments" to hopefully help others find the strength to be true to themselves and maybe even avoid unhealthy situations. This is not all about romantic relationships either, it can be applied to friends, family, etc.

It would be easy for me to wind through a story of all the things my parents did wrong or how they devastated me in this way or that way which started a chain reaction of bad relationship decisions but I honestly do not see the point and it completely defeats the purpose of what I'm trying to accomplish. One thing I will say about my upbringing is that emotions were not part of every day life. You did not show them regardless if they were positive or negative. I've had a hard time adjusting as an adult to the whole "emotions" thing but I do the best I can and I have done everything I know to do to make sure that my children are not growing up feeling like they must suppress their emotions and be total robots. Has it been hard? Well yeah, it has but I do not want my kids to bury every emotion that pops up until they do not know how to feel anything anymore. It is not a good place to be and shame on me as a parent if I just turned a blind eye to it and allowed that cycle to continue.

I never want my kids or anyone important to me to feel like they are not worthy of a healthy loving relationship. EVERYONE is not only worthy but deserves love, respect, compassion and to know the happiness of that comes with a truly great relationship – the butterflies of first love, the safety of being with your best friend, etc… Anyone who makes you feel like you are anything less than awesome is not for you. This is not one sided though… relationships take work from all parties. You must show your friends/family/romantic interest and/or partner all the same things you want in return. That is how it works, people. If you start to feel your relationship is one-sided like it is almost always you showing the affection or saying 'I love you' or keeping in touch, it probably is so then you need to ask yourself if maybe that particular relationship has run its course or is it something you want to invest in trying to get back on track. There is no wrong answer as long as the question is at least asked. Man, this would have saved me sooooo much BS had I lived by this earlier in life!!!

The most basic of all relationship related advice I could ever give anyone is this: NEVER SETTLE. Settling does not work and it will not make you happy. You will forever question your decision and the prolonged questioning will lead to resentment. Nobody should live that way. Trust me, this is experience talking.

Ok… I gotta wrap this up for today. Re-reading I see that I've pretty much derailed from what my initial vision was for this post but that is ok. I can post another one later…..maybe what I wrote today just needed to be written. This is the uncensored blog so I write and then post…no editing.

brain dump

2010-02-08T11:23:00.001-06:00

T has to have surgery again. This time he'll be in the hospital 3-5 days instead of the ole 23 hour stay and out ya go. That is good... I mean, things are bad with his neck & spine but at least he has options at this point. A lot of people do not so... things can always be worse. I say that to myself a lot when it comes to this particular situation. I'd go into detail about what is wrong with him/his neck but it does not matter for the purpose of this post.

My anxiety level is through the freakin roof. TGC knows that T has to have surgery again and is acting like it is no big deal. It is basically Robot Town here... I'm shutting down to deal with it. TGC is shutting down to deal with it. T....I dont know how T is dealing with it. I just try to not make him more anxious or worried.

Good things have happened lately too but it is like I feel bad for talking about anything good. F'ed up, huh?

Word Verification For Comments

2010-02-01T17:32:00.000-06:00

I had to turn this on to try to reduce all the freakin spam I've been getting on my blog. I never use to get much comment spam but lately its 1-2 every day and it is pissing me off. :)

Soooo....sorry for the inconvenience but if'n ya wanna comment on my psychobabble you'll have to do word verification now.

Dear Spammers - You waste space. Go play in the freeway.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!

2010-01-21T20:04:00.002-06:00

that is all.

more meltdown later.

ADHD/ADD In Girls... (no, it is not the same as it is with boys)

2010-01-08T15:25:00.001-06:00

Boyzilla started his journey in the world of psych visits and medications by being diagnosed with ADHD. For him, like most boys, it was "pretty clear cut". Though we have since gone away from the ADHD label (I think that is the generic starting point for a lot of kids but that is an entirely different discussion) and on to bigger more imposing labels, I can still draw from the ADHD experience now that I am starting down the same road with TGC.

Except... ADHD/ADD in girls is not exactly the same as it is with boys. You all know I love to share information so this post is an educational one because I figure if this is information I needed, someone else may need it too. If none of this applies to you, feel free to move right along.

First, here's an article about understanding ADHD/ADD in girls and how the symptoms present differently:

http://www.greatschools.org/LD/ADHD/understanding-girls-with-ad-hd-symptoms-and-strategies.gs?content=781

The Center - A Resource For Women & Girls With ADHD/ADD: (oh and yes, I have ADD and take medication for it daily and if you'd like to argue the sins of stimulants to treat ADD, I'll gladly do it)

http://www.ncgiadd.org/

Girls & ADHD - Are You Missing The Signs?

http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=11532

I could put at least 4-5 more links here but this is a good start for anyone looking for answers, info, etc. If you are wanting more information, you can always email me directly and I am happy to send you more links that I have found. Email me at unstableblogger@yahoo.com

Ahhh it is good to be back blogging and sharing info! I have missed you, my bloggin peeps! :)

Ok so I decided to go ahead and bring 'er back up!

2010-01-07T20:00:00.002-06:00

Happy 2010! The Unstable Blogger is back online! :)

gonna re-open this later in 2010

2010-01-07T19:43:00.000-06:00

Oh yeah... I know I'm the only one who can see this cuz I locked it down and started a new blog as ME. I'm good with keeping the "ME" blog but I also need a space to blog everything that I need to unload and truly not worry about who may stumble on it and get upset or whatever. Everyone needs an outlet. I felt better when I blogged regularly...I do better when I blog sooooo... I'd have to be a little dumb to not start doing it again.

I'm trying to establish the blogging habit with my "ME" blog so hopefully it will not be too long before I start coming here to blog again.

I figure nobody comes here anymore soooo...I may just unlock this one without telling anyone and if people read it, great. If not, that is fine too. :)

More later.

Shuttin 'er Down (revised on 1/7/10)

2009-10-26T16:18:00.002-05:00

I've decided to shut Unstable Blogger down. I need to take a new direction and have decided to start blogging as myself. Since just 2 of you are reading now (thank Dijea & Houston) I am going to shut this down and clear out the invited reader thing so I can refer back and read some of the things I have put here but so far as blogging goes - I have a new home.

Thanks for your support of this blog and I hope for your continued friendship and support.

**Note: 1/7/10 - I have opened this blog back up and removed the link to the "ME" blog so there's no connection for those who don't already know :)

major venting ahead

2009-10-23T14:37:00.001-05:00

Ok I will be the first person to admit that I do not know what it is like to live with chronic pain. I don't. I feel like enough of a witch to complain in the first place so this little tirade must be done for my own sanity – a turning of the pressure valve, if you will – and is really not meant to make anyone look bad. Really, it isn't.

T had neck surgery in March. He isn't much better. He's seeing a pain doc, a neurologist and the fam doctor now. Some days he's ok and some days he cant do much of anything. However, he managed to take a road trip up to WI in September to "get away". Frankly, I was seriously pissed but sincerely hoped that this trip would help him out of this heinous funk he's been in for MONTHS. I did tell him, though, that if he is able to drive to WI and back that I expect him to take over hockey duty again when he comes back. Reasonable – yes? I never said a word about the fact that he was taking this trip to "get away" and how freakin selfish I thought it was considering I am the one taking on ALL the responsibility for the financial burdens, working, etc… busting my ass to not only get to work every day but to get The Girl Child to hockey practice cuz why should she be punished by our adult stuff? She shouldn't. She's experienced too much crappy stuff this year as it is.

I am being buried with medical bills. I am doing the best I can do to pay everything and still get him his freakin cigarettes which pisses me off every single freakin time I have to buy them as he knows full well our financial situation. And I'm sorry but "it's hard to stop smoking" is a stupid lame ass excuse. Suck it up. I am running myself into the ground here and do I get to go on any trips to "get away" ??? NO. Do I get to buy stuff that I want just cuz I want it? NO.

I've been trying for MONTHS to get him to fill out his disability papers and they are STILL not done. I'd do it myself but I don't have the info. He can spend all freakin day online playing games but he cant fill out these papers that I need for him to fill out???? WHAT THE F?!

I am tired of feeling like just a paycheck or means by which people are supported. There is nobody to support me. I do not have a choice I have to get up and go to work and keep a job. It is called RESPONSIBILITY.

I get not being able to work and if that is the case then man up and do the right thing – fill out the freakin papers. Stop putting everything off on me!!! The situation impacts more than just him…that is what he does not get and frustrates me the most!

omg, a post???

2009-10-12T20:07:00.000-05:00

Ok so hi, it has been a while. I locked the ole blog down for a little while because I have been slowly coming out of this whole anonymous thing and I realize that but I'm not ready to COMPLETELY come out from behind the shield of anonymity just yet. Since you have to be invited to read this now and I know who has the ability to read and the masses dont, I really do not think it will impact what I write or how I write it. T did not want an invite to read the blog so I did not send him one. He chooses to talk to people whereas I mostly chose to talk to my blog and/or blog buddies so he read a few things here that he felt was TOO much of a look into my head. Ok, fair enough.

As for the rest of you, I appreciate all the support you've given me over the past couple of years that I've been doing this blog thing. I feel like I know all of you thru either reading your blogs or emailing or both... and with the exception of one cuz she's kinda anonymous too, I have most of you on my Facebook friends list so you know my "real" name, the kids names, etc..

So what made me lock it down now after 2 years of blogging? Welllll to be completely honest -- Facebook. I have several "friends" on FB that I went to school with who know my family (namely my father OR they have kids who go to school with my son) and I am simply not at a point in life where I would want EVERYONE I've ever known to read my blog and the stuff I write or have written. I especially do not want my kids to ever find the blog soooo I decided it was time to lock it down for a bit. I dont know that I will keep it locked down or for how long I will keep it this way but for now, you have to have an invitation to read it.

I havent seen my therapist in a long time. Work and other factors have just made it very difficult to work therapy in.. I know that I have to make time for that kind of thing but I havent so I have to either blog or see the frickin therapist. For now, I'd rather blog.

fear

2009-09-19T19:10:00.001-05:00

what do i fear?

there are so many things i fear....its hard to even start a list... most of them revolve around my kids... have i made the right decisions? have i really done the best i can for them? is there something more i can do? i want them to be happy, healthy, well-rounded people so bad but i think this crazy drive to achieve this really comes down to me not wanting them to be - me.

what i REALLY fear is them thinking of me what i think of my parents when they are grown.

i want them to be their own person....but how i can truly instill that in them when i never really got there myself? i feel kinda dumb to say that at 36 but maybe people never truly get to the point where they know EXACTLY who they are and/or what they are about...do they? some people seem like they know exactly who they are, where they are suppose to be, what they want, etc... and i dont think i've ever been at that point. it makes for a very challenging life experience but who DOESNT have a challenging life experience? i'm no different than anyone else...perhaps i just have different challenges.

good grief i feel like some confused teenager that has no idea what i want to be when i grow up only i'm already grown up so i'm waaaaaay behind.

Saw A Great Quote Today....

2009-08-17T14:50:00.001-05:00

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination - Jimmy Dean

I haven't blogged a lot lately and the posts I have put up have been pretty much focused on negative stuff. I just stopped blogging for a while because I felt like I had hit my quota on being a raging pessimist and until I had something to say other than how miserable I felt or how bad this year has been, etc I was not going to say anything at all. Well I guess that worked for a while…sorta… except it was simply me withdrawing even more from the world – exactly the thing I am suppose to be working on NOT doing. Go figure.

I have pretty much managed to almost completely isolate myself from everyone and everything… I dont like spewing forth a bunch of information about how I feel about stuff, it is just not something I feel comfortable doing but HELLO? That is what this blog was suppose to be for… for me to use as an outlet for anger, sadness, frustration and even good stuff too. I guess what I'm saying is that I totally lost sight of why I ever started this blog in the first place. Yes, there are a few people who now know who I am and that this blog exists and frankly, that is another reason why I haven't blogged much. I have been trying so hard to hide my feelings and putting them here is admitting that I have the feelings and sometimes that is simply too much. It cant be too much though if I truly want to make forward motion with my mental/emotional health. Nobody is happy all the time. Nobody's life is perfect. I get that stuff, I really do…but the hardest thing for me is to just ask to talk to someone…anyone…. To vent or to cry or to process anything so I just haven't.

I haven't seen my therapist in weeks. I haven't been to my shrink in 2 months. I barely talk to anyone…even the people who live in my house that I love. Don't get me wrong – not that I am gonna discuss my problems with TGC, she's just a kid but I don't feel like I'm connected to even her the way I want to be. I was going to say "should be" but I refrained in an attempt to not "should" on myself. T is still having pain issues and is day-to-day with how functional he is and/or how he feels. I wish I could fix that but I cant. I hate to see him in pain and so depressed because he cant do this or that but I don't know what to do for him other than just try to be supportive. I don't know how he feels….well, not with the physical pain stuff. I do know how it feels to not be able to do certain things you want to do anymore because of some kind of ailment though. I do not like being so severely anti-social but I haven't been able to force myself to get out much aside from taking TGC to her games or practices, etc. My mind, in a sense, is my limitation where his is his body. He cant play hockey anymore because his body simply wont allow it and that really bums him out. I get that…I understand how upsetting that must be. Honestly, there is a lot of stuff I cant do anymore due to financial or emotional/mental limitations and it bums me out too; however, both of us being bummed out serves no positive purpose. We have an 11yo living in the house with us and our mood drastically impacts hers. I've been feeling really miserable lately with all aspects of my life but then I saw the quote today that I put at the beginning of this post and it struck me that I, too, can change my sails….

I feel like T and I are barely even connected much anymore so instead of me adding that to some list of things that are making me miserable, I can actually figure out what actions I can take to try to connect with him again.

I am frustrated and feel like nobody listens to me or values what I have to say….well, am I letting people know that? Do I ask for undivided attention? If no, I cant really complain because people cant help fix what they have no idea is broken.

Money probs are making me positively miserable… I don't deal with financial pressure very well. I'm sure most people don't. Since I am the only person working – which I have NO problem with – it sometimes makes me feel like I'm just a paycheck to have the kids and T ask for stuff when I just told them how careful we have to be with money. I'm not spending money on me so I guess I expect T to be the same and not spend any money unless its absolutely necessary and in my mind, the kids come before us. Part of being a parent means sacrificing for your kids, right? But is that really fair? Is it just a product of my inability to handle the financial stress? I dare say it is likely just my financial anxieties getting the best of me because I am not normally so psychotic about any other issue as I am about money. I think I can change my sails here by looking into better money management techniques and just trying to let go of stuff I cant control. And no, he is not spending money on stupid crap so I don't want to leave an incorrect perception here. He bought a $10 game last week…big whoop. If $10 freaks me out that bad or will break our budget then we have WAY bigger issues not to mention I'd spend 10x that for TGC to play hockey. I don't want to be some wacked out, unreasonable, screeching psycho about money all the time as that'll just make everyone more stressed out than they already are and trust me, none of us need that right now. This is my issue…and I suspect if I were to get right down to the REAL issue here it is that I simply feel unappreciated and just want to hear a "thank you" every now and then for keeping everything afloat. I know how a lot of people out there feel who are working at jobs they hate day in and day out just to feel like it is to only pay bills and get stuff that everyone else wants but again, if I don't TELL anyone that I feel that way or get it out somehow it'll just linger and keep eating away at me. Why would I want to do that to myself??? I don't. Nor do I want to impact T, TGC or Boyzilla in a negative way. Nobody has done anything "wrong" here and everyone is under financial pressure these days so I just gotta figure out how to deal with it like everyone else does and ignoring my feelings and/or burying them is NOT the way to do it.

T is at such a massive disadvantage at home. He lives with 2 females who have a really hard time talking about their feelings and instead just try to ignore that anything is wrong. Me I'm trying to fix not just for my own sanity but for his and TGC's as well. TGC has even started seeing a therapist. I don't want us to be like strangers who just happen to live in the same house. I feel that way sometimes but again, unless I say something about how I feel or find a way to process why I feel it and how to deal with it, it is nothing I can place blame on anyone else for – now is it? Nooo it isn't.

I miss myself. This depressed withdrawn person is not me. It is not who I want to be or is it the example I want to set for TGC. It is for sure not the kind of spouse I want to be either. I have a lot of stuff to work on but I'm at the point where I just cannot go on feeling so bad all the time and worrying about the impact it is having on the people I love, I have to suck it up and take action. I have to go back to therapist and shrink. I have to make every effort possible to get myself as happy, healthy and functional as possible. I owe it to myself and those whose lives intertwine with mine. I may have to start with baby steps but I gotta do it…. I have to change my sails!!

Is it ok....

2009-08-11T15:07:00.001-05:00

....to scream as loud as you can at work???

Probably not, huh?

Damn.

Nobody Wants To Write Here Anymore

2009-07-13T13:38:00.001-05:00

Right now is probably a time when I need to blog the most yet want to blog the least. I am angry, sad, hopeless, fed up, tired, have no energy, feel sick to my stomach and have headaches every single day. I cry every day. Every. Single. Day. In the past, I've been able to control this crying thing and now? Well, now I cant.

It is like an unwanted shadow that follows me everywhere I go and just lurks. I never quite know when it is going to rear its ugly head and cause me even more stress and anxiety by taking control of me and my emotions and causing what feels like a total overload of my brain's circuit board. I hate the feeling it causes. I hate the outbursts it causes. I hate that I cannot control it anymore. I hate that I have cried at work – more than once and it is getting more frequent. What happens when someone actually sees me? The thought makes me sick to my stomach. I hate that I cry in my car almost every morning on the way to work and every day on the way home. What I hate the most is that I have no real reason to give for all this stupid annoying emotional outpouring. I hate that I cant just suck it up and make it go away. I am really angry that I feel like such absolute crap all the time. I don't have the option to feel like crap and waste time crying over stuff. I have to get up and come to work every day and focus on my job to perform well...no, better than good so I can keep my job and support the family and pay all the bills and pay for TGC to play hockey and pay for internet so that T & TGC can be on their computers all day and night and pay for medical bills and to feed all the frickin animals in the house that I didn't even want cuz all the commotion and noise and pet hair and pet pee smell stresses me out but it would make me selfish or a bitch to remind them AGAIN that having all those stupid animals in the house is a major point of stress. I'm angry because I feel like nobody listens when I talk. I get no undivided attention from anyone. I share it with the tv or computer. I do whatever it takes to make sure everyone else is healthy at the cost of almost breaking myself but it is a thankless job and I knew it going in. I don't expect much in life, I really don't. I am not a high maintenance person. I worry about everyone else all the time… I never worry about me. If I don't worry about me, nobody else will either though so I have nobody to blame but myself. I don't hold unrealistic expectations about relationships and/or life from watching too many romantic comedies so it is not like I'm expecting a perfect world. Life doesn't work that way and I have lived enough of it to be acutely aware of that but it shouldn't be the miserable shithole its been over the last year either. I could list out all of the crap I'm currently dealing with but why bother? Anyone who reads this has their own list. Mine is no more important than yours. Plus I genuinely hate it when someone mentions a problem or issue they have in life and someone else tries to "one up" them… you have a headache, they have a brain tumor. It isn't a competition. If everyone in the world could learn how to LISTEN (not hear, listen) a little better and show just a bit of compassion when you know someone is hurting…imagine how far that would go and how much it could help someone. It could potentially help someone more than you'd ever know at a time when they may feel so alone and so isolated and like they mean nothing to anyone. And sometimes the "when they need my help/to talk they will let me know" excuse is bullshit… people cant always ask/tell you when they need your help because more often than not they are too lost to even know themselves or they simply feel not important enough and would never ever tell you that... getting to a place like that does not happen overnight and for those who are there, they arent happy to be there. They didnt ask to go there. They also dont want to wear a sign that says "paralyzed by despair. need help" -- because that is what it feels like trying to ask someone for help. Did that occur to you? (and yes, you can substitute the "they" in the last few sentences for me/I in case I had fooled anyone) After years of conditioning to not feel or show emotion and not ask or take the help of others cuz they'll only fuck you over with the info you trusted them with later... its a process to get to the point where you can just not associate feelings with really bad things. I have made progress here... but I will never be an open book. That is not who I am. I am proud of my progress. I still have a long way to go but I am far better at communicating my feelings than I use to be.

I just want some peace. I want to not feel on edge, anxious and like I'm gonna puke every single day. Therapy makes me feel worse….the new drug change isn't helping AT ALL. I will keep going with therapy as soon as I can find a new day/time that doesn't conflict with all this new project crap I have going on… I'll be honest though I don't want to keep going. It is hard…very hard…but it has to be done if for no other reason than to make me a better parent. And that is reason enough for me to walk through fire.

I have let myself go completely. I haven't had my hair cut or highlighted in 18 months (yeah, this is soooo not a good thing for ppl with curly frizzy hair like mine). I was never big on make-up but use to at least sometimes make an attempt to dress-up. My clothes are all old… my work clothes are all from when I use to travel doing consulting… they look old. I'm a mess. I use to at least kinda care about what I looked like cuz I at least needed to try to be put together cuz I'm not exactly what you'd call one of the pretty girls. I haven't had a pedicure in forever. Why should the outward me look ok when the inside me feels so horrible? That's the core issue. I could make excuses all day but it pretty much comes down to that I think. How am I suppose to set an example for my daughter to take care of herself when her mother looks like a total mess and clearly does not care about her appearance? I teach her how to take care of her skin, hair, etc… but she doesn't see me doing it.

I don't even want to have sex with myself so if my husband were even physically able to (neck/back issues) I doubt he'd want to either. Yes, TMI I know but where else am I suppose to unload this crap? Honestly, I don't know why he married me. Yeah there's the whole love thing… blah blah blah but we were together almost 4 years and for those almost 4 years he said nothing but how he'd NEVER get married again…til he suddenly changed his mind. I told him I'd marry him so he could get on my health insurance, no big deal but lets not pretend its something its not. He said no, he wouldn't do that… if we got married it would be because he wanted to get married and be together forever. Hmmm ok. Is this normal to have doubts about this stuff? Remember I have a history of seriously dysfunctional family and romantic relationships so I truly do not have a good example to refer to here. I also have nobody to ask these questions to so I sorta have to toss them out into the blogosphere. Sad, I know but I'm curious. I simply want to know from people who have been married a while and consider themselves generally "happy" if you ever question why you married your spouse and/or why they married you. If you don't want to comment publicly, that is cool… comment as "anonymous" cuz as you know, there's no marriage manual. I want to be a good spouse. I want to have a good marriage and sometimes that means compromise, sometimes that means doing it his way just cuz it isn't worth the battle and its not that important to be "right" about everything and sometimes it means standing firm on what I want too….and sometimes I have no idea what it means but I love him and know we can figure out how to make it work even through all the heinous atrocities that have been thrown our way this year alone. I think we are just very different people and we are still adjusting and accepting that. He is a sharer… a talker… he needs friends to talk to about everything going on in life cuz he doesn't want to throw more crap at me than whats already going on… and I'm glad he has friends to talk to cuz he'd be even more miserable without people to talk to about the stuff going on with his body, how he lives with a hormonal 10yo and a crazy wife, etc.. whereas I am not a sharer or a touchy feely lets discuss our feelings kinda person. I pretty much keep my business to myself and don't discuss it with very many people at all – if anyone for some things. Example – I own a house that I hold as rental property. It has been in my family for …..well, forever. I promised my grandparents I would take care of the house, etc. I learned a very hard and costly lesson renting this property. I'll spare you the details but I'm about to lose it to foreclosure. My grandparents' home. The only thing I have left of them, of being happy & safe as a child…. And I am the person who is gonna lose it. Yes, there are some questionable practices by the bank and I had to get an attorney involved but chances are, it will be too costly for me to fight and I will end up losing it. How is that something I just bring up in conversation? I'm an absolute loser, will never be able to buy another house ever AND broke the promise I made to my grandparents because the property they entrusted to me is now in active foreclosure? No. I don't think so. Frankly, I cant believe I'm even putting it here. I'm horrified. I'm devastated. I'm humiliated. I'm so freakin hurt down deep in my heart over this that I cannot even talk about it to anyone other than T because I sob like an idiot. They trusted me, I promised them and I let them down. I let myself and my family down.

Is this what a mid-life crisis is like or am I just having a nervous breakdown? Cuz if this is a mid-life crisis, I'm soooo gonna go buy a sports car. Men do it. Why cant women?? LOL If I'm having a nervous breakdown, I think the shrink is gonna need to up my Valium. Just sayin.

It’s a car, it’s a train…..no, it’s a post!

2009-06-29T17:18:00.001-05:00

It has been a while since I have posted. Time flies, eh?

What has happened since my last post? I guess I'll start with the obvious – we had a rather big celebrity death '3 ring' (they come in 3s you know) with Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson all dying in one week. I feel kinda bad for Farrah Fawcett's family because she got like 5 mins of media attention and then the entire planet turned to the Michael Jackson stuff.

I had such mixed feelings about Michael Jackson dying over the weekend. I was actually a little shocked at some of the feelings I had about it. The adult part of me has seen him morph into a freakish barely recognizable man that is about as far away from the guy who made 'Thriller' as you could get and while I abhor the things he was accused of doing several years ago, nobody but him and God will ever know for sure if he was guilty or not. Would I have let my children "hang out" with him? No. And that "no" comes without hesitation but I also feel like he was a really broken and lost person. That is no excuse to do the things he was accused of doing – do not get me wrong – but I have to wonder how someone like Michael Jackson goes from being the King of Pop to being …well, what he turned into. So for me, there was the Michael Jackson I know as an adult and the Michael Jackson that the 9-10yo me remembers seeing on TV doing the moonwalk, dancing in his 'Thriller' video… the revolutionary Michael Jackson. I remember watching whatever show he was on and seeing him do the moonwalk and it was so cool….it was like magic. And when his 'Thriller' video premiered, I was glued to the TV… I had to beg my mother to let me watch MTV so I could watch it. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen. Our parents had Elvis. The Gen X'ers have Michael Jackson and Madonna. I get confused about what the hell the generations are called that come after Gen X so… I don't know what they'll have? Justin Timberlake? Britney Spears (good lord, surely there's more to choose from than Britney Spears??) Maybe it is just too early to label any "icons" for the post-Gen Xers yet… yeah, I'll go with that one. At any rate, an icon of my generation is dead – at a mere 50yo. I use to think 50 was ANCIENT but now at 36, it is not so ancient anymore. Madonna is 50. It is sad when there's a loss of human life… but when it is someone that you grew up listening to, watching and was part of your childhood it is sad. It is another reminder that you are, indeed, not so young anymore and kinda like having to throw out another worn out stuffed toy or that tattered n torn but comfy blanket. Maybe its just me that feels that way?? I don't know but it just made kinda sad.

VH1 Classic played MJ videos all weekend so The Girl Child and I watched like 2.5 hours worth on Saturday. TGC only knows of Michael Jackson as some pervo freak cuz all the stuff that showcased his talent was WAY before her time. I wanted her to see why people liked him so much and that he did actually have amazing talent. I figured she'd just think most of his stuff was lame compared to what kids are use to seeing and/or hearing today but she actually loved the 'Thriller' and 'Smooth Criminal' videos. I explained to her how influential he has been to people like Justin Timberlake, Usher, Kanye West, etc… they got those moves from somewhere and that somewhere is Michael Jackson.

Ok… so there's my take on the Michael Jackson thing. Everyone else on the planet has likely tossed in their opinion, memories or whatever so there's mine. I'll likely toss out another post later about how irresponsible doctors should go to jail for prescribing too many controlled substances and how celebs need to be way more careful about abusing prescription drugs b/c they can kill you too – just ask Heath Ledger's family…. but I'll save that for another day.

TGC spent her first night ever in a hospital last week. Yep… as if my life was not enough of a circus, TGC managed to concuss herself and get an exciting one night's stay at a local children's hospital. Yay! I was scared to death. She still cannot walk without help and tomorrow will be one week that she hit her head.

I have two unhappy people at home now who cant go anywhere or do anything. Aint life grand?

2 years!

2009-06-05T14:52:00.001-05:00

As of yesterday, The Unstable Blogger has been terrorizing the blogosphere for 2 years!! I have stayed with it even when I didnt feel like and didnt want to....but I am glad I have. It has been very therapeutic and I have made some GREAT friends doing this.

It has been a far more amazing experience than I could have ever hoped for and I want to thank each and every person who has stopped by to read whether you have commented or not.... even the wacky Red Wings fan last year hahaha :)

A very special thanks to those of you who regularly stop by to read and comment. I know I'm a wacky one but you people have stuck with me and offered comfort through advice, jokes and simple "thinking of you" comments. I truly appreciate it. I have the best blog buds EVER.

Ahh and I have a new theme song... well its my new favorite song (for now anyway lol). It is 'Lifeline' by Papa Roach. When you hear it on the radio or where ever you listen to music... think of your buddy Unstable and know that I may get kicked a few times but I will never stay down!

Lifeline lyrics
Songwriters: Esperance, Tobin Joesph; Horton, Jerry; Michael, James; Shaddix, Jacoby Dakota;

When I was a boy I didn't care 'bout a thing
It was me and this world and a broken dream
I was blaming myself for all that was going wrong

I was way out there on the wrong side of town
And the ones that I loved I started pushing 'em out
Then I realized that it was all my fault

I've been looking for a lifeline
For what seems like a lifetime
I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

So I put out my hand and I asked for some help
We tore down the walls I built around myself
I was struck by the light and I fell to the ground

I've been looking for a lifeline
For what seems like a lifetime
I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

Is there anybody out there?
Can you pull me from this ocean of despair?
I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

You know a heart of gold won't take you all the way
And in a world so cold it's hard to keep the faith
I'm never gonna fade away, yeah

I've been looking for a lifeline
For what seems like a lifetime
I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

Is there anybody out there?
Can you pull me from this ocean of despair?
I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

adam lambert

2009-05-29T15:36:00.001-05:00

Yes, I am actually posting about Adam Lambert. Why? Because I'm supremely annoyed at all this absurd crap floating around about his sexual orientation.

Why are people making such a big freakin deal about Adam Lambert's sexual orientation and when he'll "come out"? If you like Adam Lambert then like him because he has phenomenal freakin talent and/or you like his style, his voice, whatever but who he loves, dates and/or has sex with is his business and why do you care? Does it impact YOU? No, it does not.

If you did/did not already like him, will it truly make a difference for you to hear him spell it out for you? If so, shame on you and consider yourself banished from my blog forever. And no, I am not kidding. Shoo!

Yes, I realize that by him doing the American Idol thing he has placed himself in the public eye and now "society" feels every minute detail of his life should be public record. What I find incredibly fascinating is that Perez Hilton, of all people, is giving Lambert such grief about "coming out". Perez Hilton – that is his 'fame name' btw not his actual name – is an openly gay male. I think it is great that ole Mario (aka Perez) is comfortable enough with himself and his situation to be open but I would think that of all people, a gay man would be understanding of the fact that a public proclamation of one's sexual orientation has to be done on their terms, not someone else's. However, maybe Perez is a bad example considering how he makes his living… and I do love me some Perez Hilton but I am quite disenchanted with his constant nagging of Lambert to "come out". Perhaps Melissa Etheridge (love her!) is a better example here. Her close friends and family knew she was "out" way before she made any public proclamation and she has addressed the issue in interviews (read her first book, she talks about this plus it is a GREAT book!). It was something that SHE had to be ready to do and on HER terms…not her record company or publicist or whatever.

Did it occur to anyone that Adam Lambert is trying to not make a huge deal out of it so that other people won't either because it is actually NOT a big deal?!? He hardly seems like the type to be ashamed of who he is or uncomfortable with showing all different sides of himself. Maybe…and I'm going out on a limb here… maybe he simply does not want to have people trying to label everything he does. Gosh, wouldn't that be nice?

Like him or don't like him… but make up your own mind based on genuine reasons not narrow-minded ignorance. Personally, I am glad he did not win American Idol. I'm a huge fan of Adam's and have been since almost the beginning of the season. Why would I say I'm glad he did not win??? So he won't have to record that shiteous single that Kris Allen will be forced to record and release. Adam did not need to win American Idol to go on and have a huge career if he wants to do so. In fact, I'd argue that it would have actually done him more harm than good if he won whereas with Kris Allen I do not think that is true. That is by no means a slam on Kris Allen, I actually like him too and was happy he won. He's simply more mainstream (adult contemporary/pop) and I think by winning it will just help him get his career going. Had Adam won, it would have limited his creative control when he goes to make his own CD. If you watched the show at all you know that he is best when he can do his own thing.

And… what was the best thing that happened to Chris Daughtry? NOT winning American Idol. He has said it himself.

I'm just really annoyed by people saying that Adam got or lost votes simply because he's gay AND I'm equally annoyed by people nagging him to "come out". Shut up already… it is not your business and again, if it actually makes a difference to you if he is a gay or not then that is YOUR problem, not his.

I heart you, Adam Lambert!! You don't owe anyone in the media or anyone outside your personal VIP list (friends/family) an explanation about anything! You do your thing and those who love your thing (heh heh heh I said "thing") will keep on loving it! Those who don't? So what? Ya can't please everyone.

strengths

2009-05-28T09:43:00.001-05:00

Another one of my therapy "assignments" is to list my strengths. I hate doing this kind of stuff and today is not a good day for me to do it – which is exactly why I'm doing it. I don't feel strong. I feel unappreciated, isolated and disappointed. Pretty strong, huh?

But I do think I have some strengths that I can list despite everything going on right now with kids, the emotional roller coaster from hell and life in general…..

1) I am responsible

2) I am a good parent

3) I am a good friend

4) I am fiercely loyal (this gets me in trouble sometimes)

5) I try to always be considerate of other people's feelings before I speak or act. Some things cannot be unsaid/undone.

6) I am honest even when it is hard to say what needs to be said

7) My family relies on me to keep things afloat financially and I have always been able to do whatever it took to keep myself going and not have them suffer because of any issue I may have….and there are days when that is incredibly difficult.

8) I am a good problem solver.

9) I am a survivor.

10) I do not give up.

How Does That Make You Feel??

2009-05-27T20:53:00.001-05:00

One of my two assignments from therapy today is to constantly ask myself "how does that make you(me) feel?"
and answer myself - perhaps not out loud - with 'feeling words'. He wants literal mental conversations, so to speak,
that include things like... I feel XXX because of XXX.

Ok. No time like the present, right?

When Boyzilla refuses to do schoolwork, I feel frustrated and angry.
When I think about Boyzilla's future, I feel fearful.
When I try to make the connection between myself and "trauma", I feel physically ill and defensive.
When I perceive that my feelings are being discounted by anyone close to me, it makes me feel isolated and triggers
a very real and all too familiar feeling of emotional abandonment.
When I try to be open and honest about feelings, it makes me feel anxious - however, I am proud of how far I've come.
When I see The Girl Child start to mimic some of my behaviors when it comes to burying feelings, etc. I feel a sense
of panic because I do not want her to end up like me.
When I think about the situation with the kids, I feel conflicted, angry and hurt because I feel I had to make a choice
between them and that is a feeling I would not wish upon ANYONE. Rationally, I understand that the situation is set
up in a way that is best for both of them but understanding something rationally and the emotions that get stirred up
are very different.
When I let down my wall and lay all my emotional cards on the table and trust a person, it scares me. I fear the more I
trust them, the worse the hurt will be later.
When I think about my mother dying, I feel overwhelmed. I do not feel I've even had the time to process the event
at all. I am trying to avoid the whole "delayed reaction" thing but I cant force the process either. (btw, today
is one month that she died)
When I think about therapy, I feel glad that I am doing it and proud that I've stuck with it but not particularly
feeling any sense of "joy" from it...but maybe "joy" isnt the point? Maybe I'm not suppose to get the exact point
yet or I'm just over thinking it.

Ok... so there we go. I'm done for now.

well, whaddya know??

2009-05-20T14:56:00.001-05:00

Saw therapist today…discussed mainly the kids….until the end when we turned to me. I have the assignment to take 15 mins per day and sit in a chair in a quiet place – obviously it will not be at my house – and do 15 one minute breathing exercises. The goal is to be aware of my breathing, focus on my body response, etc. Last time I saw him he told me I had never learned how to relax. Not exactly a shocker there…

Here's the kicker for today's session… I asked if he had spoken with the new shrink. He had. He gave me a heads up that she will likely want to revisit diagnosis. Ok. Neither of them are quite sold on the bipolar thing…. He thinks my …and I cannot recall the exact wording but basically issues/symptoms is in the ballpark so I'll go with that… can be explained through other "phenomena".

Um, ok. Session done. I pay… he has to go too…has a personal appointment.

I'm in the car now… WAIT. WHAT?! Not bipolar? "other phenomena" ??? WTF does that mean? Generalized craziness? Is bitchy a medical condition now and I was unaware of this?

My son is acting a fool at school today and is refusing to do any work even after being given one final chance to pull himself out of the hole he dug himself and actually get promoted to 10^th grade. Nope, fate is sealed now… 9^th again next year! Can't make him care. My daughter has a phantom foot injury likely because her stress/anxiety level is too high. Oh and because her anxiety feeds off mine. Well, fuck me running.

Oh and I have a sneaky suspicion that PTSD is gonna come flying at me pretty soon. No, no, no, no, no, no. People who have had REAL trauma have PTSD – people who have been through war, horrific events like rape…. Stuff like that. THAT is trauma. My father is a pathological liar and my mother was a narcissist and my sister is a bitch. Everyone has family issues and I do not see how that constitutes PTSD. No. Sure, I feel like my head is gonna crack open and my brain is gonna fall out on the ground due to stress….but this too shall pass, right? RIGHT.

Ok so fine…if I am not bipolar, what exactly is it that causes – and has caused – me sofa king much havoc over the past 20something years? Hmmmm? Severe anxiety – yes. Can anxiety screw you up in a way that mimics bipolar disorder? I dunno, maybe I should research that one. Toss ADD on top of the anxiety and maybe it can. I'm no doctor. I use to think I had a pretty good handle on all this psych crap. Now? I don't know shit….about anything.

Well hell, I've thought for years that Boyzilla's diagnosis was wrong so why not mine too? Whaddya know?

roller coaster from hell.

2009-05-08T16:46:00.001-05:00

I have to figure this out….my ability to function is taking a hit and I'm having to seriously fight the urge to withdraw and talk to no one. I cannot do that… but I also cant seem to find the words to express what it is I feel. I feel nothing and I feel everything. At least when I feel nothing I can function but when I feel everything, it is like a sucker punch and I will start to cry and I cant stop it. I've almost always been able to stop it before… but I cant stop it now. Maybe that is a good thing that I cant stop it and/or maybe I'm not suppose to stop it? I'm just not use to spontaneous outbursts of crying that I could not contain until I got to a more appropriate place…you know like when I shower in the morning or at night when everyone else is asleep. I do not want to cry at work or in a public place. I do not particularly care for that part of this whole "timely processing of one's feelings" but it does not seem like I have much I can do about it right now….and it is really pissing me off. Actually no, it is not pissing me off. I do not have the energy to be pissed off..not over this.

Since the beginning of March, T has had neck surgery that ..long story short… has left us finding out that it is going to take 9-12 months to find out how much he'll recover. We saw a pain mgmt doc yesterday and T had such severe stenosis in his neck that he, of course, had to have surgery….which he did… and he also has massive nerve pains that'd I'd explain here but basically it all boils down to the fact that he's suffered from chronic injury to his spinal cord and we have to wait and see. I mean, on one hand it is good to at least know what it is that is going on with his body but it doesn't take away the fact that he's in major pain all the time and it is gonna take 9-12 months to know if it will ever go away? Are you freakin kidding me?! He's an active guy…always doing stuff around the house and going here and there… and crikey, he was even playing adult league hockey up until late last year plus coaching. He cant even skate for probably a year and there's a chance he'll never skate again. He knows he cant play again and that was tough enough but the hope he held on to was getting to, at least, coach the kids…and now that is gone too. I'm actually a relatively positive person and I want to support him the best I can…always!! Sometimes I'm at a loss on how to do that… I cant say I can relate cuz I cant. I cant say I know how he feels cuz I don't. I feel he's got so much going on just trying to deal with all of this, it would be selfish of me to pour out all my emotional pain on him right now. He tells me that is not true and we are a team and I know he means it but I cant help it… I feel like his problems are way bigger than mine and how could I bother him with my "emotional pain" when he's in actual REAL physical pain like this? It is just how I feel. I want to be strong and there when he needs me and he probably feels the same about me… gawd, what a cluster. I want to help him but I do not want to make him feel like he cant do anything. I want to help him but I don't want to have to be the one to remind him that he cant do the stuff he use to do without having to pay for it big time later. Maybe I am just over-thinking all of this… maybe I worry too much. I just hate seeing him in pain. I hate knowing he's in pain. I hate knowing that he feels trapped and miserable and frustrated and depressed…. And I do not know how to make it better or fix it or even give him believable hope some days. It doesn't feel like I'm doing enough. Lately I know I haven't been doing enough because I have been a complete mental wreck.

As if T's stuff isn't enough for one family to deal with, we've lost 2 pets – TGC's dog and T's mom's cat. The cat got out somehow and we looked for her and looked for her and the ppl behind us who have a farm thought they saw her a couple of times …that turned up nothing…so after a few let downs, T finally got a call that she had been hit by a car and was on the side of the road. She'd been picked up before he could get there. He took this really hard because that was his mom's cat. He and his mom were really close and now… the cat has passed on too. (His mom died in Dec 2006 of cancer) Emotions were already running high…he's in pain… he feels HE lost the cat (he didn't, these things happen but you cant negate a person's feelings… perception is truth for all of us) and all of this happened during the 7 days that my mother got sick and eventually passed away.

I have been on the most fucked up emotional roller coaster from hell and I want off. I not only want off but I want to set it on fire and then chop it up into tiny pieces so there's nothing left of the stupid thing because it is kicking my ass.

For a person that has never learned how to properly process feelings, this is like a massive short circuit… no, its like being hit with a stun gun (or so I'd imagine) repeatedly. Last time I saw my therapist he told me I never learned how to relax and that was part of my sleep problem. Well… I've slept lately… I've actually slept too much – never thought I'd say THAT any time soon..at least not without mentioning heavy narcotics in the same sentence. My brain is just shutting down because it cannot handle the ridiculous spikes in emotion.

Thank God x100 that I started therapy last year so that I'm not rocking back n forth tapping my head in some psych ward right now because I'm telling you….this has been dangerously close to the kind of pressure/anxiety/emotional overload that took me down a few years ago. Of course some poor med choices by the shrink I saw at the time contributed to that but me holding everything in all the time for YEARS did too. I won't lie and say that it was 100% medication interactions that caused me to get tossed into Chez Crazy… it was a solid 50% but the other 50% was all me and my absolute lack of coping skills. Well, not exactly lack of coping skills….just not the RIGHT/healthiest coping skills. I had mad coping skills…they got me through a LOT of bullshit but the price I paid to just "get through" was pretty freakin high. We'll tackle that one another day though.

Back to the "thank God for therapy" … had all this stuff with my mother dying happened a year ago before I started going to therapy, things would have been very different at her wake & funeral and I think I'd be feeling very different right now. As I mentioned, LMSKP went with me and the kids down to attend the wake & service for my mother. T couldn't make the trip..he wanted to sooo bad but he simply cannot ride in a car that long and I understand that plus I told him I'd need him more when I got home – which is true! Anyway… it was LMSKP who actually brought to my attention the "thank God you see RDub" (RDub = therapist) thing and explained to ME that had all this occurred before I started going to him, my sister and niece would have behaved the same as always but I would have allowed them to place me directly into the role they wanted me to have in their life play…I would have done it without question as I always have cuz I just wouldn't have thought to question them especially at our mother's freakin funeral. I would have been miserable….my kids would have been miserable… we would have all been subjected to my sister's wishes and her plans and whatever it was she wanted and she would have paid attention to us only when it behooved her in some fashion. I would have left there pretty much numb or in robot mode over the loss of my mother but still clueless about why my sister acts the way she does. I'd be blogging about the death of my mother as if it happened to someone else. I would be able to talk about it as though it happened to someone else….then slowly but surely, it would start to sink in and I'd have a major delayed reaction in about 4-6 months from now. I'd misplace emotions and transfer them to other things or people and not really understand what it is at all that I was feeling. I did that when both grandparents died. Hell, I've been doing that for 20 years over crap from when I was a kid.

Now? I can tell you that while I do not feel regret for disengaging with my sister and her BS, I think it exponentially complicated matters because now while I'm trying to get through the guilt I feel for not getting further along in the process of forgiveness, acceptance, whatever it was I was trying to get to with my mother before she died…I also feel really angry and now I do not have a mother or a sister – the sister part I'll address later. I loved my mother. I loved her very much, she was my mother. I never dreamt that she'd die so young. I mean, I knew she wanted to… she's wanted to die for years but I guess I never thought it would really happen this early. The only thing that kept her from suicide was her belief that it was a sin and that if she did it, she'd go to hell. I feel the clock ran out on me. Part of me feels like maybe I should have just 'sucked it up' and called her more..went to see her more… but part of me also feels like I have the right to feel what I feel – ALL of what I feel. I cant have any more time with her now so I wont have the chance to get any further on the road to where I wanted to go with her. I hope she knew I loved her. I hope she knew my kids loved her. We all have demons and choices we wish we would have made differently. I'm sure she had some too. It breaks my heart that she felt so miserable and gave up on life so long ago. It truly does. I have good memories of her and the other stuff doesn't matter anymore. I am not looking forward to Mother's Day on Sunday. Last year I remember calling her and feeling like it was a chore. I am so overcome with guilt at times I can barely breathe. Other times I remember random things about her and the fact starts to sink in that I cannot call her….ever again. EVER AGAIN.

I really don't know what I'm suppose to feel. I feel so sad it makes my stomach hurt and I start to cry for no reason…I cant stop it… I feel overwhelming guilt…. I feel numb… I feel anger…and sometimes I feel all of that at one time. Sometimes I hear people complaining about stupid crap and I want to scream at them… "SHUT UP! My MOTHER is dead!!!" I don't…but the thought enters my brain…a lot. The last week, I've just cried. A lot. And I'm not a "crier". I don't know what to say. I don't know how to explain how I feel or what to really do when people say how sorry they are other than just mutter "thanks" and try to walk away or change the subject.

Poor T thinks I'm upset at him or mad or whatever most of the time probably because I don't say much…I don't even want to watch hockey… and its not that I don't want to talk to him, it is that I have no idea what to say??? I don't know how to verbalize how it is that I feel or even what the hell it is that I feel. That's ridiculous but true.

My family relies on me for stuff, I cant be breaking down like this. You know how apparently God never gives you more than you can handle? God is giving me WAY too much credit this year.

God,

I am waiving the white flag.

I should be full-on insane by Wed....

2009-05-03T05:41:00.001-05:00

Friday - 7pm to 7am

Saturday - 7pm to 7am

Monday - 7am to 2:30pm

Tuesday - 2pm to 10:30pm

Seriously... whoever did these schedules should let me throw a few staplers at them....perhaps every hour...

I'm already screwed up with sleep. I'm already wacky. This wacked out schedule should just push me over the edge... I doubt I'll be able to even write in semi-coherent English by later today cuz I have to stay up so that I can go to bed early to be back the F up here at 7am in the morning. Crikey.

morning pump up music

2009-05-02T05:11:00.001-05:00

I've been here for 10 hours now... I'm tired. I cannot recall any point in my life that I've been "happy" at 5 freakin AM. One of the people just coming on busts out with "it is too quiet in here, we need morning 'pump up' music" ... I swear I will cut someone.

After I get shift #2 done of this overnight BS, I hope to never do it again. I was not meant to be awake at 5am...ever.

OMG Shut Up Already!!!!

2009-05-02T03:27:00.001-05:00

It is a little after 3am and there's a dude here in the "command center" and I swear he has literally told every single freakin person who will stand still long enough to listen that he moved here to Texas after living in Hawaii for 8 years. Like, he's told this story so many fucking times I can tell it for him now….the surf is high on the North Shore in the Winter and the South Shore in the Summer…everyone lives by the surf report....blah blah blah blah....I'm going to cut him if he keeps this up and no judge would convict me if they had to hear him tell this just ONCE.

Dude, you are not the only person on the planet who has been to Oahu and if you spent so much time studying the history of the state and even the minute political details of the current governor….why do you live here? I mean, I love Texas but if I had the chance to live in freakin Hawaii (and live comparably to how I live here) I'd be gone so fast it aint even funny.

I swear to God if I hear this douche tell one more freakin person this story, I may not be able to refrain from saying "I've been to Oahu twice and Waikiki is a very nice place but over the past 5 years or so it is being ruined by new construction that obstructs the view that makes Waikiki so great so SHUT THE FUCK UP already"… we get it, he use to live in Hawaii. Go to zazzle.com and make a freakin tshirt so we don't have to hear you anymore but SHUT UP.

I am the only person he has not personally told this story to and thankfully I am up at a desk by myself at the front of the room… I will stop the story if he tries it, I swear I will. I will simply hold up one hand and say "dude, been to Oahu twice and The Big Island once…not impressed…move along"

Hmmmm….I think it is safe to say that I would not make a good graveyard shift worker. I am not a shiny happy camper at 3am especially when I am bored outta my mind and tired as hell.

OMG he just tried to tell this story to another girl here and he added a part about talking to a Japanese tourist in Japanese… blah blah blah something about Pearl Harbor…well I heard him say something that sounded Japanese to me but I don't speak Japanese so I have no idea…but the chick he told the story to DOES speak Japanese and she had a look of absolute disdain on her face and asked him what the man's response was when he said ..whatever it was that he just rambled off…he looked puzzled and paused… she then said something in Japanese and said "I think that is what you thought you were saying but you did not use the words in the right order and the guy likely didn't understand you" hahahahahahahhahahahaha I want to hug her. I'm not a hugger but I want to hug her cuz now he's quiet. Ahhhh good times.

3 hours and 37 mins to go til I get to leave and get some sleep!!! Oh but then I get to come back and do this again tomorrow! It may just kill me….or others LOL

so much to say but not even sure where to begin???

2009-05-02T00:03:00.001-05:00

Last time I blogged I mentioned that my mother died. I hesitate to even go here because I am at work right now and if I go too far into this I may get emotional and work really is not the place I want to do that, ya know? Uh yeah, it is almost 10pm and I am at work. I get to work a goofy overnight shift for a big project. I've worked through the night before on projects that had issues or we were behind schedule but I can honestly say I've never been scheduled for this whole graveyard shift BS. Whatever. Not like I sleep….but of course you know that in a situation where I am suppose to be awake, I'm gonna be sleepy as hell and by 2am I'll look like a giant bobble head doll and be drooling all over myself. If I were at home, I'd be wide-eyed and not a hint of sleepiness. Welcome to hell.

What I will do is go into what a freakin idiotic fiasco the whole funeral process was…all because of what a controlling miserable bitch my sister is. Her daughter, who is 25(old enough to know better and not be her mother's puppet but she is her mother's daughter so what did I really expect), did not exactly help matters either and between the two of them, they made the whole experience entirely about them. We all know people who make everything about them, right? My sister is the queen of these people. We've had a very messed up relationship my entire life so it is not like I was shocked by her behavior. The thing that was different this time is that I did not do what she wanted nor did I follow her around contributing to her big production. Cuz you know…this was HER mother's wake and funeral. How dare I not grieve her way and follow her lead to the letter.

LMSKP went with me and the kids down to Hillbilly Holler to attend the wake and simple graveside service that my sister and I agreed we'd have. The only input I had was that we'd do a simple graveside service and not a full-blown church service. I am tempted to post part of an email LMSKP sent to T updating him on the day's events as we arrived as I could not really describe them properly because I had the kids with me the entire time. She described it very clearly but for several reasons, I will not post the email. I will give you a good summary of what happened though. As soon as we got into town, we stopped at my sister's house to say hello, we made it, etc. It would have been completely reasonable to go to our motel (yes, motel…there are no hotels out in asshair, tx) to check-in and unload all our stuff then go say hello or simply call but nooooo I know what a drama queen she is so we went there first. Was that good enough? No. Why? Because after being there for a little while we had to get going cuz we had to go get checked in, LMSKP had some work related things to get done and I had two kids to get ready in a relatively limited amount of time. My sister went …I didn't know…to take a bath? to drop the kids off at the pool? to sacrifice a chicken? I didn't know and didn't even think about it really so I told my bro-in-law that we had to go and tell her we'd see her at the funeral home. Explain to me how the bloody hell that is in any way unreasonable. Wait, I'll answer it for you… IT IS NOT UNREASONABLE. Ooooh but it was to her. How DARE we leave without telling her? How DARE we do anything without her freaking official written permission? You'd think we showed up, kicked her dog, slapped her kid, spit in her face and left town like scoundrels. Ahhh and you think I'm exaggerating.

Not 20 mins later I get a text from her asking me why I left without telling her, what was wrong, she was just blow drying her hair in the bathroom and we could have waited blah blah blah. Uhhhh I told her we had to get going cuz we had to get ready and I told her husband we were leaving…I'd see her at the funeral home. That was clearly not an acceptable answer because at the wake my niece didn't even speak to me and things just went downhill from there.

Maybe I'm the oddball here but my children and I went to my mother's (their grandmother) wake to say our goodbyes and start the process of closure. I did not go for my sister or her friends or her co-workers or anyone else. I went for my kids and I to grieve and deal with the loss in a way that is best for us. We were sitting on a couch towards the front of the room and my sister and all her friends, co-workers, church buddies, etc were all at the back…along with my niece & her husband, my two nephews and a few other of her family members. We were blatantly avoided but honestly, I was ok with that because that is my sister's town and she knows everyone. I don't know those people and they were not there for me and I am 100% ok with that cuz again, I did not go there for them. My concern was my kids and making this as easy of an experience for them as possible because this was their first funeral. I think it is great that she had all those people there surrounding her if that is what she wanted or makes her happy or whatever but I am not going to play some part in her big production and keep my children there miserable and traumatized. At the point when they both asked to go and felt like they'd said goodbye, we got up to leave…I mean hell, we were all sitting by ourselves at the front of the room anyway and it is not like we stormed out or made a scene. We simply got up and made our way towards the door. My sister darted towards me and basically asked what the hell were we doing. I explained to her that the kids were ready to go. I was essentially told I was there to spend time with her and I reminded her that I was there to attend the viewing/wake/whatever of our mother. OUR mother…as in that is my mother in that casket too. I didn't know all those people, they didn't know me and I am completely fine with all of that as I was not there for them and my kids have had enough and we are leaving. This carried on a few more mins and ended with me walking away from her.

The four of us (LMSKP, Boyzilla, TGC and I) drove 30 mi to another town to go have dinner rather than going to my sister's house for dinner as she "expected" and we had a nice low-key peaceful dinner. I ignored her call and texts telling me how she expected me at her house and how they were waiting on us to eat. Wait all freakin night and let me know how that works out for you. Ah and I can tell you how it worked out --- I slept like a baby and she was up at 4am sending me text messages being her usual passive aggressive self. I ignored those too.

See, her behavior has not really changed at all… MINE has. I will not engage. I will not play the game. I will not take part in the twisted mind games or play "my part" in her fucked up production she calls her life anymore. She simply does not know what to do now because no matter what approach she takes to "reign me in", it will not work. It will not work ever again. What she does not get is that she cannot control how I grieve or feel or think or act despite her comments and passive aggressive attacks and the usage of her daughter to attack me as well. It simply will not fly with me anymore. Her daughter actually took all this to an open public forum (the internet!) and slammed me calling me "too selfish for my own f'n good". Gosh… being called selfish by an immature narcissistic hick is kinda like Gilbert Grape's mom telling you not to eat the last twinkie. At first I was mad then I found it amusing because it showed me just how desperate they were to regain control and how cowardly they truly are because I promise you my niece would NEVER say that to my face. I was not so selfish when I helped put her through college or when I bent over backwards to help her in various other ways. I was not so selfish when I've always supported and encouraged her without judging or insulting her. Well, the one person in her life that gave her support and advice without bitterness, veiled jealousy and judgment is now G O N E. She and her mother can live happily ever after making each other positively miserable wallowing in their bizarre need to compete to "one up" the other even though it means they both must live outside their means cuz I wont play. They both place such a disturbing importance on making sure they have more than I do or better than I do, it is really sad…especially since I have never been one to flash anything I have. Hell, I really don't even have anything to flash but apparently they still feel an overwhelming drive to be better…superior. My sister can balloon up even more than she has from eating her feelings…. And my niece can keep on trying to have the kids she's not even close to being ready to have and maybe the fertility issues ARE the answered prayer cuz it would be a cycle broken if she is going to be anything like my sister. My sister has been horrible to my niece and they feed off each other's fucked up co-dependency. It is the epitome of an 'I love you/I hate you" relationship. I had that with my sister for many years but I have put a stop to it. She's just my sister though, she's not my mother. Thank God.

The funeral was just as bad. You could FEEL the tension because my sister took the opportunity to toss herself up on the cross because SHE was in mourning and her sister (me) was a horrible, immature, selfish bitch who though of nobody but herself. Spare me. The service was done by HER pastor and he said what SHE told him to and read a few passages that SHE wanted and he mentioned HER at least 10 times with an added "oh and I met Blah (me) yesterday" …. The best part was the last minute speech that was magically added about how my mother would want family unity right now. Yeah? Well have her send her oldest daughter a msg from heaven to stop being such a bitch. I would not sit beside her but rather sat behind her with my kids and brother during the service which completely tarnished the picture of perfect family she have portrayed at all times. Her daughter sat next to her. Goodie for them. I'm telling you, I will not play. My niece gave me and my kids dirty looks from the time we got there til the time I had enough and left. None of this being necessary and I could not even properly grieve my mother and get through her funeral because of the stupidity going on from my sister and her daughter. WTF? That is my mother in there too. But they are not capable of that thought process…they only know what THEY want and what they feel and how they want everyone else to feel, think and do. She did not ask me how I was doing, dealing or feeling ONCE. She only did crap like ask me if I was mad at her or give shallow apologies for "anything she may have done to offend me" and then turn around and tell me she expected me at her house.

There is more small detailed crap to all of this but there is no real point to go any further. I just do not see a point. I did tell her before I left that I wanted her to leave me alone and let me grieve my own way. That shouldn't be too much to ask but I know for her, it is.

This is not how any healthy relationship should work. This is why darn near everyone I know who knows her and even my therapist has/will say …. Just stop.

You cannot choose your family. Thankfully I have people in my life that I love and who love me that I do have healthy supportive relationships with that I know I can count on and they can count on me – like LMSKP. She is more like a sister to me in the sense of what I always thought a sister should be like than mine has EVER been or ever will be. There comes a time when you just have to walk away and cut communication. If removing myself from a poisonous relationship is selfish then… well, color me selfish but I can get up and look at myself in the mirror every morning with no regret.

I need valium.

2009-04-27T11:38:00.003-05:00

My mother died this morning.

I gotta go back to East Texas for her funeral Wednesday.

I started this therapy stuff to try to get to the point where I could repair things and shed some of the guilt I have felt for resenting her and the choices she made. Guess time ran out on me.

Boyzilla is FREAKING OUT. FREAKING OUT. TGC is actually handling it all pretty well.

T cant even go with us to the funeral cuz of how bad his pain/mobility is from his surgery still (nerve damage, etc...)

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to punch someone in the face. I just want to go to sleep.

Oh and T's mom's cat that we've been keeping for his dad til he moves to a place that will allow him to have pets...well, she somehow got out...we dont even know when...or how... but we cant find her... she's gone... FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will say this... at least my mother isnt suffering anymore. She's where she wants to be now. Where she's wanted to be for years...

An Article About The Economy

2009-04-23T16:20:00.001-05:00

Admittedly, it is a lot of words... all of which I simply could not get through right now..but it looks informative and interesting so I thought I would share. I'm helpful like that :)

http://finance.yahoo.com/banking-budgeting/article/106961/Long-Odds?-Three-Scenarios-for-the-Economy's-Path

I do intend to read it later...or perhaps wait for someone to draw me pictures. LOL, just kidding.

And do not even consider fussing at me about not taking this crap seriously....I posted this, didnt I? Pffft.

You Want Me To Blog What???

2009-04-20T21:10:00.003-05:00

Sooo...I started therapy again last week. I had not been in several weeks so I guess there were several things to catch up on. Of the things we discussed, I took away a few things that I will get to in a few mins or perhaps even another post because what I'm suppose to do from last week is blog about something that I really do not want to blog about for a few reasons...

1) The few of you who actually do read my blog started reading since I posted the story that I will have to refer to in order for my blog assignment to make any sense and frankly, I am not real sure I want to draw attention to it. Sure, it is here in my blog. Anyone could find it should they ever go searching through my posts from previous years but someone happening upon the posts is a bit different than me actually pointing it out, ya know? The absurdity of it is laughable but it is also a sensitive subject with me still. I can, at least, discuss it now without major incident but the pangs of humiliation and guilt still remain sooo.... understand that I still struggle with the whole "I did not do this" and the "this was HIS doing, not mine. I did nothing to deserve this" ...not to mention its just fucking nuts.
2) VERY VERY few people know about this crap... when I started this blog and posted a lot of the detailed stuff about my parents, my identify was super secret and I would have freaked at the mere thought of anyone even suspecting they knew who I was and now... well, several of you know my real name and email. Yeah, my eventual goal is to - at some point - be at peace with the person who writes this blog and the "real" me being the same to EVERYONE but I am not quite there yet. I am closer but not quite there. When I was a teenager I had the "community father" -- you know, the one that all my friends liked and thought was a great guy. Nobody had any clue at all at what actually went on at my house. I want to keep a certain amount of control over who knows what not so much for me but because I have kids. I never want my kids to know some of this stuff.

Ok...anyway... last week in therapy, we discussed my insomnia and when it started. I'm pretty sure I know when it started. It started in April of 1987. My father told me some things that, of course, were not true but changed me in many ways forever. I have not slept well since.

If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, you can read this -->

http://theunstableblogger.blogspot.com/2007/08/growing-up-faux-gotti-part-1.html

I dont feel good about bringing this up but I guess this is just part of the "process". Whatever. There it is.

Riddle me this....

2009-04-15T15:41:00.001-05:00

Here are a few things that I'd like someone to explain to me cuz I just don't get it/them.

1) Spinners. WTF is the purpose of those spinner tire wheel things? Seriously. I do not comprehend the purpose or why someone would put them on their car voluntarily. They are goofy looking but maybe…. I just do not understand them?? Please explain.

2) Pirates. I got this from Dijea in a twitter exchange as I posed the question about spinners, she replied with pirates. She has a point. It is 2009 yet we have Somali Pirates taking over ships? How does this happen ye scallywags? Argh!

3) Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise. WHY??? (sorry just cant figure it out)

4) Why will my 15yo not tell the truth about his school work even when confronted with hard evidence that he is lying? What makes a person stick to a lie even when EVERYONE knows he's lying and proves he's lying??? I do not grasp the concept of this. Please, someone, explain this to me.

5) Mamma Mia casting. Pierce Brosnan in a singing role. REALLY??? Did he not audition? Are you tone deaf? Is he tone deaf? Was this one giant prank on the movie goers? What gives?

6) Celebrities on twitter. Why in the hell do a lot of the celebrities on twitter churn out the most annoying crap ever?! At first, I thought it was cool to see what some of those people were tweeting. Boy did it get annoying really quick. The most annoying ones are people like John Mayer & Ashlee Simpson Wentz. Oy vey. I can probably answer this one myself, actually. They ARE annoying that is why they tweet annoying crap. Voila. Case closed.

7) Why did MTV stop playing videos and start showing stupid ass TV shows?? Then they had to get MTV2 and they don't even show videos anymore. WTF?! The only place you can see videos anymore is YouTube and the occasional Countdown Show on VH1 or Fuse. If you want GOOD videos, you have to go find them on YouTube. Do people not watch videos anymore?? Is this just me?

That is all… for now!!! I'm sure I will think of more later! haha

Look out! I can post via email!

2009-04-14T21:27:00.001-05:00

Well isnt this just cool.... consider this my test post and once I see it posted, look out cuz I'll be back in action and can post during the day again!! YIPPEE!!

And then...I slept (a little)

2009-04-09T21:56:00.000-05:00

Only in like 2 hour increments but I actually slept. FINALLY. This no sleeping thing is driving me insane and I’m seriously ready to start choking people out cuz the ole fuse gets shorter with the passing of each sleepless night. After the first couple of nights I was just so tired I got ‘whimpery’ – that is my term for the combination of whiny and whimpering cuz that is what I did. Yes, I was so exhausted I actually whimpered….then I sobbed. It was pathetic. I was desperate for sleep. I was so freakin tired and could not sleep to save my life. It sucks so bad, I cannot even describe it.

Apparently it is some state of mania… funny, this does not FEEL like mania. In the past I’ve been manic and not slept but I didn’t miss the sleep I wasn’t getting and felt a helluva lot ‘perkier’ than I do this go around. Now? I miss the sleep I’m not getting. I’m no doctor so I won’t argue but this feels more like super high anxiety and/or stress combined with the fact that my brain will just not stop going so I cannot sleep. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I just cannot sleep. I get tired, start to yawn, feel sleepy, grab the trusty sleep mask and go hit the sack. Almost asleep…. EYES WIDE OPEN…. Brain kicks into overdrive and the inner monologue begins…

Did I lock the front door? Did I lock the back door? Did I pay the electric bill? When is the electric bill due? (uhh the same fucking time it is due every month?!) Why does the boy refuse to do his homework? What is gonna happen when he wants to quit school and I cant stop him? Why does the girl hold everything in? Is that my fault? Did I set that example for her? Dammit why can I not sleep? I’m pretty sure I locked the front door…but what if I didn’t and T forgot to lock it too? What if someone comes right in the house and murders us all? OMG. No, don’t be stupid that is not gonna happen. No, seriously…did I lock the door? Why is T still having so much pain? Is it normal that he still have so much pain? What if it isn’t normal? Crap I forgot to load the dishwasher again. Why cant I remember anything anymore? I cant remember anything, I feel like crap all the time, I’m probably depressed and not even medicated for it. Am I even on the right meds? How do I even know? Will I ever feel normal? Does anyone feel normal? I feel so bad all the time and it is really taking its toll but I don’t want to be a whiner so I should just shut up because everyone has problems. What the hell is my problem? Dammit to hell why cant I sleep? I wonder if the kids have trouble sleeping too. God I hope not. I’d never wish this on them. This is absolutely miserable and nothing I do helps. T has enough problems with his neck pain and trying to recover from surgery so I feel stupid complaining that I’m tired or don’t feel good. I gotta suck it up. I gotta suck it up and just push forward. I will freakin force myself to sleep. (a few mins pass…) OMG I have no money in savings anymore. What if I lose my job? Inspector Gadget just lost his job. What if he doesn’t find another job soon? I am the sole wage earner. OMG! I cant be crazy and go all weak minded now…I gotta get up and go to work every day. I have to do good at work and be superior at my job because we rely on my paycheck to live. Will General Motors really go bankrupt? That seems HUGE. What does that really mean to regular people like me? What exactly happens during a depression? What if my short sale doesn’t go through? (I’m in the middle of trying to dump a property….long story) I will be screwed. My sister better not have shit to say about it either. It is not her business anymore. How dare she even mention it to me. I have not talked to her in weeks and you know what? I don’t miss it. Does that make me selfish? I have no reliable family members. I accept it but it still makes me kinda sad….

Yeah this is the crap that goes on in my brain ALL NIGHT LONG and keeps me from sleeping. The minute my brain is not stimulated by reading, watching TV, etc… and it is quiet and I try to sleep… BAM! The floodgates open up!

It SUCKS.

These Are A Few Of My Wackadoo Things…..

2009-04-03T18:52:00.001-05:00

Below is a list of random crap…It is pretty much just a product of me being bored and needing to look busy soooo… here ya go.

1) Sometimes I like to watch movies and/or tv shows that I know will make me cry like a fool because it helps me release emotions that I am not quite able to process for “real” people yet I’m able to get them out by having the same emotions evoked thru fictional characters/situations. (Guess I don’t need to explain why I’m in therapy NOW, do I??) Sex And The City makes me cry a lot. The finale of Will & Grace still makes me snot like a freakin fool. Sober House did too….I guess because I hate to see people cry.

2) When someone questions my integrity without reason/provocation, it makes me want to punch them in the face. I, of course, do not follow through with the impulse but I do play the scene out in my head. I’ve punched more people than Steve Ott in my head. LOL

3) I love hockey. Hockey truly brings me joy and makes me happy. If I do not want to watch, discuss and/or blog about hockey…something is wrong.

4) LMSKP and I have discussed this on many an occasion but I often wonder what would happen if I did things like go up to a person and dry hump their leg or take their hand and use it to smack them then walk away without saying a word or maybe even just run up to them give them a hug and run away… you know, just do weird oddball crap to random people without saying anything to them and go away. What would they do? What would you do if someone did it you? Think about it. Are we the only people that think about this kind of crap? Surely not.

5) Politics. I’m at a crossroads with my political views right now. I’m annoyed at how everyone wants to point the finger at Pres Bush for EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING but I’m equally annoyed at how many people just blindly love Pres Obama and would follow ANYTHING he said/did and can’t even explain to you why. Yes, I get the economic crisis. Yes, I get the part that was played by the former administration but do you get the part that wasn’t played? Can you explain why you think this administration will make it better? Do you understand socialism? Do you get the real implications of a nationalized healthcare system? Do any of us really understand the implications? This is not a bash of Pres Obama. It is also not a bash of Pres Bush. It is a bash of people who act like sheep and blindly follow any herd. I do not have all the answers but I try to at least have some understanding of an issue before I jump to one side or the other. I get really annoyed with all the “I hate Pres Bush” … ok WHY do you hate him? And there’s no real answer. I’m good with you not liking the man or what he did or stands for, etc but show that you have your own opinion. Same goes for Pres Obama. If you love Pres Obama, that is great. Can you explain WHY? I actually enjoy political discussion with people who don’t agree with me on everything because I usually end up learning something. No, I do not understand all the ins and outs of socialism but I read the ‘warnings’ of Socialism under Pres Obama so I went and did some research because if engaged in a discussion, I did not feel I had enough to form an opinion and defend it. I probably still don’t but the point is, I’m forming MY opinion based on what data I gather not what my friends believe or what is trendy to believe. Gawd that is annoying.

6) Religion. This is gonna be pretty similar to my political tirade. I believe in God. Why? A combination of reasons… admittedly part of it was upbringing but another part is my own choice. I was raised Church of Christ. My mother was the church secretary… my great-grandparents were co-founders of the local church where I grew up. I was completely immersed in everything CoC. For those of you not familiar with the CoC, they are not (at least not when I was growing up…perhaps things have changed? Or maybe it was just the ones down here… don’t know) exactly tolerant of anything outside the realm of what the CoC teaches you. Meaning…. As a kid, I was not allowed to go to church with friends who were not also CoC. Once I got to go with a friend to a youth program in Dallas..she was Baptist. ONCE. But I think maybe my mother didn’t realize she was “one of those Baptists” LOL I had a friend growing up who was Mormon and frankly, I am shocked that my mother allowed me to be friends with her because her family was Mormon. No joke. Catholics? Ha! Forget it. Ironic my first husband turned out to be a Brazilian who was raised Catholic, eh? A subconscious FU to the ole fam? Perhaps. Blew up in my face but that is an entirely different story. It was a huge no-no to question things when I was a kid. You know, stuff that just didn’t make sense to me like “uhh how did Adam & Eve really populate the entire world??” I’d ask stuff like that and my mother would FREAK OUT and cry and tell me I had to have faith… where did she go wrong… blah blah blah. Dude. It was a simple question. So I’ve come to realize this… religion is a personal thing. And personally, I think religion and science can go hand in hand rather than combat each other. I do not think the Bible is historical truth but rather stories to teach lessons (holy crap my mother strokes out almost when we go HERE). The Bible is the word of God but written by man and man is fallible. I do not think you have to be Church of Christ to go to heaven…or Baptist or Catholic or Mormon or Jewish or whatever. My favorite argument for this one is this… so if XX religion is the only one going to heaven, are you seriously telling me that the Pope and Mother Theresa who TRULY gave up everything and dedicated their entire existence to serve the Lord are going to hell because they aren’t XX religion? Cuz that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I cannot imagine God being that way. And what about cultural differences? You are gonna go to hell because you were born in a country that worships a deity but his/her name isn’t “God” it is something else? So you’ve never heard the name “God” or “Jesus” before but you are a good person and do good things and worship your deity but because you were born where you were and don’t know “Jesus” … sucks to be you. No. That is absurd…or rather, it is absurd to me. I could be all wrong on this but I guess my malfunction is that no human has the right to make some grand decision on who is/is not going to heaven and I have yet to see a pamphlet anywhere that has an “exclusion list” on it. I’m very curious about religions. I’ve read The Koran. Interesting read. Very, very different from what I’m use to from a cultural standpoint but I am not a follower of it so it doesn’t really matter what I think. I certainly do not have the authority to say it is wrong. I think it’s a bit wacky in spots but wrong? I don’t have the authority to say that or to say that Muslims are going to hell. Neither do you. Yes, I pray. I pray because it brings me comfort. I pray because I feel it is the right choice for me. I believe there is a heaven and a hell….maybe as we learn about them in the Bible and maybe not. I believe if you are a good person and try to not be malicious, you will feel better about yourself and your life. Is that religion? I don’t know. Maybe? I do have to mention, though, that I find it absolutely fascinating the seemingly apparent link between how pious a person is and how intolerant (ie racist, homophobic, etc) they are. Christians are suppose to be compassionate, benevolent, tolerant and not hate your fellow man…right???? Just checkin.

7) The older I get, the less I care about what others think about what I say, how I feel or if I’m “cool” enough for them. I’m too old to be pretentious and I don’t have the patience to deal with pretentious people. Most of my life lessons, I have learned the hard way and it is likely because it is the only way I’d truly learn them. I’m actually not an “in your face” person and I try to avoid confrontation if it is possible but once a point is reached where it is not possible, I will not back down. I don’t have a problem standing my ground most of the time – especially when it comes to the kids.

8) I love Ben & Jerry’s Cheesecake Brownie ice cream!!! (I had to toss in something light…too much heavy stuff going on here)

9) I recently read that friendships are good for the soul and your mental health. I think that is a very true statement! I have been trying to appreciate my friends more. Most of the people that I would consider “family” are friends, not blood relatives.

10) A few things I want to learn to do in the next 12 mo: learn to play poker, learn to play Texas Hold ‘Em poker, start learning Spanish & French, be able to get thru most of the songs on Rock Band playing Bass then drums without failing out (LOL, I just started and I suck…it is way harder than it looks!!)

11) I am happy to see Sean Avery in the NHL again. I understand that he was not the right choice for Dallas but that is not entirely his fault. They wanted to mix things up and be “edgier” so … Brett “ArbyQ” Hull went and got the most controversial guy in the NHL for one of the most conservative clubs in the NHL. Honestly, who do you think made the real oopsie on that one? Hull, not exactly known for being mild mannered himself, was the freakin Ambassador of Fun last year. This year? He’s Co-GM. You know Les Jackson was less than thrilled considering he has actual NHL GM experience. Let me put this into more perspective for you…. Steve Yzerman retired in Detroit and though I loathe the Red Wings you cannot dispute Yzerman’s talent, sportsmanship or nose for the game. He is being groomed for the GM job someday…that is no secret. I dare say Yzerman is way better suited to be a NHL GM than Hull. Seriously. And even lil Stevie Yzerman doesn’t get to just jump right into the position. No. Why? Cuz you have to LEARN the management side of the club… the prospects… how the organization drafts, deals, etc. How the NHL management works, etc. Hull is not GM material. But, I digress. I like Sean Avery. I got to meet Sean Avery for the brief time he was here. It was awesome. I was giddy. He was gracious, nice and very polite. I’m bummed it didn’t work out for him here but I am really glad to see him back with the NYR cuz I think it is a great fit for him and he’s been tearing it up!! HE will be playing in the post-season this year. Dallas will not. Granted, I am really disappointed in the season the Stars have had this year but that has ZERO to do with Sean Avery. That excuse only lasted so long. As of today, our tragic # is 1. After the games played tonight, we will likely be eliminated officially. Oh well, there’s always next year! I still love the Stars and will continue to cheer them on til the last secs of the last reg season game! GO STARS! *cough*cough* fire tippett, hire carbo *cough*

pic o the day

2009-04-01T18:51:00.000-05:00

wednesday stuff

2009-04-01T18:48:00.001-05:00

Soooo I saw the new shrinkie dink today and I have to say that I left with mixed feelings…

My initial reaction was to go to my old shrink’s office and kick him square in the taint for being so hands off and letting me make all the medication choices for so long. There were times when I didn’t even SEE him, I just showed up, paid my co-pay, got my scripts and left. On the longer visits I was there maybe 15 mins and that was so he could ask me what I wanted to take instead of what I was taking. I was at the new shrink’s office for an hour and forty mins this morning! Granted it was a first visit but still… she’s thorough and actually wants to see medical records and talk to my therapist and get an EKG on me before doing any major changes. EKG?? What the bloody hell for? The other dude never even drew blood much less did an EKG. She told me she felt my diagnosis was a combo of ADD, Anxiety NOS and Bipolar II. Hmm…nobody has ever told me that I was Bipolar I or II…they just scribbled down Bipolar Disorder. Oh and a touch of OCD. Wellllll duuuuuh. The OCD may not be apparent to the folks who read my blog but trust me, it is there. Hand sanitizer, anyone? Yeah and she also wants me to do a sleep study since I’m such a raging insomniac and none of the usual sleep meds will work consistently for me cuz God knows I’ve tried them all. Hmmm…. A sleep study? Really??? Whatever, just give me drugs.

Yep, and there it is…the flip side to all this. I get the feeling that the downside er I mean “flip side” to all of this is that the days of me getting whatever drugs I want will be gone. However, I concede that it is likely a good thing because I am not a doctor and I need a doctor who will actually be collaborative… not just flip out the ole RX pad and allow me to pull the whole “less talkie, more writie” bit on them. I would by a lying bitch, though, if I said I will not sometimes miss “less talkie, more writie” but I know that is not what is best for me. Damn this new found desire for wellness! LOL I joke. It is about freakin time actually. I am too freakin old to feel like hammered dog crap all the time and not do something about it. It is absurd. It is not easy though. Not easy at all. It makes my ass itch like you would not believe to see a new doctor and go through “history” and all that crap. In fact, on several family related questions my answer was “can’t you just call my therapist?” hahaha I’m really not a good patient. I feel so incredibly uncomfortable talking about crap like feelings, tell me about your childhood, etc… WTF dude? Oh and answering questions like “have you ever experienced any sexual, emotional or physical trauma?” -- my actual answer to her was this:

“Hasn’t everyone experienced some level of at least one of those at some point in their life? (awkward pause) Yeah ok so I can give you my answer to this but I have a feeling my therapist would answer differently so if you want a more accurate answer, you may want to touch base with him. Just sayin. Cuz I think the term ‘trauma’ may be a bit much but he will likely disagree with me”

That is no lie. I was 100% honest with the answer. I’m sure it was not the answer she was looking for but then again, I’m sure I probably answered it more than I realize with my non-answer. I hate those kinds of questions.

I also made an appointment to restart therapy again. For as much pissin n moanin as I do about it, I have missed being able to go and do it. Guess that means it is helping, huh? Wow. Who knew? Everyone but me apparently. I still get those “therapy hangovers” (thanks Immi, from whom I got the term) after unusually emotional sessions but I wonder if that is how I know I’m actually getting to stuff that needs to be dug up/worked on/whatever. How else will I know?

This is two days in a row I have blogged. Now I just need to get back into the routine of blogging and reading everyone’s blog again like I use to because it is something I enjoy doing and I need things I enjoy right now.

Oh and btw, I finally watched ‘Twilight’. Still haven’t (and likely wont) read the book cuz why the hell would I? I watched the movie. LOL But yes, TGC wore me down and we watched it this past Friday night. I thought she was going to pee her pants when Bella and Edward first spoke to each other. My gawd… I truly never thought I’d be typing/saying those words. Oy vey. So I guess I will not be one of the only people left on Earth who has not seen the frickin movie. And…. I did not hate it. TGC is now reading her little heart out to see what the book has that the movie didn’t (plus I told her she had to read it since I let her watch the movie haha) Everyone is happy.

Other movies I watched while laid up with the Black Plague last week and/or this past weekend during scary movie fest with TGC and her hockey buddy: Look Both Ways (Aussie film, no big names in it, moves slow but I liked it, cried like a fool at the end), Transporter 3 (yawn), Quarantine (OMG…that bitch needs to stop freakin screaming!! But pretty good movie! Creepy as hell and scared the bejesus outta TGC and her friend LOL), The Haunting Of Molly Hartley (TGC and I liked it, T thought it was stupid) and the original Friday The 13th (had NO idea Kevin Bacon was in that?! The kids laughed thru most of it cuz kids now are use to a different kind of scary movie. I remember watching it at their age and it scared the piss outta me but eh, what can ya do?)

Next up in my Netflix queue? ‘Nights In Rodanthe’, ‘In Bruges’ and ‘Milk’ WOO HOO!

i sucketh greatly

2009-03-31T18:40:00.002-05:00

I have been a shiteous blog buddy. I'm sorry and I will do my best to rectify this issue. For all of you who have such good blog buds to me, I truly appreciate it and will do my best to get myself out of this funk and back into the blogosphere. I really miss reading your blogs and seeing what is going on with you guys. I just havent been able to do it lately. I havent even been doing much here lately and I gotta change that too.

tuesday tiz

2009-03-31T18:26:00.003-05:00

I’ve been sick with sinus infection/stomach flu/black death plague for about a week and just starting to feel a glimmer of improvement yesterday morning when I wake up to find that TGC’s dog was basically on his death bed. We took this dog in about a year ago. He was a stray…he’d been abandoned for God only knows how long and was practically starving. Of course TGC and T being a magnet for stray pets, they brought him inside and fed him. TGC knew she had T convinced to keep him but I was going to be the challenge. We already had 3 dogs, I was not exactly looking to add to the count. I get a picture msg on my phone with a picture of a little caramel colored beagle and text saying “isn’t he cute?” Yeah, cute…. Put him back where you got him! :)

I don’t have to tell you how that ended up since I just mentioned waking up to find him very ill yesterday morning. The dog was sick when we got him. We did what we could do for him (as did the vet) and gave him a good home. We knew his time was likely limited. I did not think it would sting like this but… it does. Yesterday after TGC went to school we had to make a decision. I know in my heart it was the right decision but it was incredibly hard and I, of course, second guess the timing – did I do it too soon? Did we really do all we could do for him? At any rate, I could not in good conscience let the dog suffer. I also did not want TGC to see him die or find him dead. The dog would not let us near him so I had to call Animal Control. It was brutal. I threw up when it was over. I cried the whole time. I tried really hard to not cry when I told TGC that there was nothing more that could be done and he would not be coming back home. I did not feel she needed to know Animal Control was there, etc… it was not necessary. I cried. She cried. It was a shitty day. But, like I said… we just need to focus on the fact that we provided him a happy, safe and good home for the last year of his life that he may not have otherwise had and for that, I am glad.

Last week in Unstableville, T had a scare and got to ride in an ambulance all the way to Methodist Central. That is by no means the closest hospital to us but the EMTs told me they needed to take him there cuz the hospital closest to us is not capable of treating the possible neuro damage that he could have. WTF?! Turns out, the scare was due to post-op swelling (thank God) and nothing serious. I do not freak out easily, I’ve seen/been through too much. While I was following the ambulance with TGC in the car with me, I was officially freaking the F out. I wasn’t noticeably freaking out but trust me, I was freaking out. I kinda thought I might stroke out there for a few mins after we first got there. No such luck…but OMG the ER waiting area is a freaky deaky place. Wow. Junkies wanting pills, gun shot wounds, car wrecks…you name it. I work at one of the biggest hospitals in the area but for crying out loud, I avoid the ER area as if it were on fire! Yikes. I’m just an IT geek in an office building up the street from the actual patient care stuff. There’s not enough hand sanitizer on this planet for me to be down there every day. Oh. Hell. No. I truly admire people who do patient care because it is something I could not do.

Anyway… T is not feeling much better and it has been 3 weeks since he had surgery. He is discouraged, frustrated and in pain. I am frustrated, discouraged and feel helpless because I do not know what to do for him.

I see a new shrink tomorrow morning and I hate seeing new doctors…giving history…why am I changing doctors…blah blah blah. It is seriously enough to just stay with the doctor I have now but I know that I need to change. I need a doctor who does not let me make all the medication decisions. I am not a doctor. I feel like crap all the time and I am pretty sure I’m not properly medicated. I have no energy and even less motivation. I know a few of you can sing along with me on this one… I just want to feel better. Is that really so much to ask for? It shouldn’t be. I don’t feel well. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want anyone asking me if I’m ok because I’m afraid I will not be able to crank out the old “I’m fine, thanks…how are you?” without it being so obviously fake and I really do not want to answer questions. I need to start therapy back up again but need to take care of a few financial things first… like I’m in the midst of trying to short-sell a property. Not a lot of fun… I would not advise it if you can help it.

I need to blog more is what I really need to do. It actually does help because it is an outlet for stuff that I don’t want to talk about….people have problems. Nobody needs to hear mine. When I blog, it helps me release stress/anxiety and if people want to read it, they can and if they don’t, they wont. Easy. And cheaper.

Rest easy and have fun chasin those rabbits in doggie heaven, lil man!

what's that? a POST???

2009-03-21T09:56:00.002-05:00

Yes! I decided to finally post this morning. This is a good sign. I've been nothing short of drained, depressed and to my abosolute limit of anxiety/stress. I have some crap going on that is just sucking the energy right out of me. No reason to go into that but...the good part is that I feel like I'm finally starting to have some small victories and things may be turning around.

See, I'm not a person who is a victim of life and I understand that everyone has periods of time where it may seem like you are going through a stroke of bad luck but I cannot believe that it IS bad luck.....it is just life. Life will bring you good and life will bring you bad. I cannot allow myself to believe I have no control over it...that is bad luck or whatever. I need to remind myself that this stuff no matter how bad or how much of it ....its all just life stuff and sooner or later it'll all come around. This bad stuff makes you who you are, it build character and makes you appreciate everything you have that is good. (Jeez you'd think I'd be one seriously appreciative person and have more character than most but apparently I have more life lessons to learn....but fine, I don't give up easily.

Anyway...it is the small victories that you gotta focus on sometimes. The small victories help give ya hope to get thru the big ugly stuff that you WILL get thru and everything will be fine. Or if nothing else, they help ya recharge a little and that is important too.

Yay for small victories!

relief

2009-03-08T13:38:00.003-05:00

T had his surgery Friday morning. Everything went fine and he came home Saturday. He's doing really good and is happy to be home. I am so relieved, it would be hard to truly put it into words.

It has been a rough few weeks leading up to this and it's like a huge ball o stress has been removed. I am really tired so I'm gonna catch up on sleep! :)

stuff.

2009-02-26T22:15:00.001-06:00

A bunch of rambling about a whole bunch of random stuff. This is one of those ‘I’m just gonna start typing and see what comes out’ type of posts sooo… it could be just a few lines or it could end up being 3 pages long. LOL, ya just never know.

And yes, I’m doing bullet points!

1) First, I am glad to report that the person I wrote the “stalkerina” post for has indeed been back here to Unstableville since I posted that lil gem so I know she’s seen it. Ahhh good times. I’m sure she’s telling herself it was not written for her, but ooooh we all know it was. She knows it was too. And a big ole thanks to Smirking Cat who linked to my lil post from her blog. Thanks, SC! I heart your blog.

2) Movies and The Oscars. (Yeah, I know I’m a little late on this but I did tweet during the 568th Academy Awards sooo…there.) I recently saw ‘Vicky Christina Barcelona’, ‘Zack & Miri Make A Porno’ and ‘Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist’. I loved them all. The only “Oscar Worthy” one of those 3 was ‘Vicky Christina Barcelona’ because, well, it was a Woody Allen movie. Had it been just another indie flick, I don’t think it would have gotten all the nods and press but that’s just my opinion. I liked the movie despite it being a Woody Allen movie, actually. Javier Bardem is in it with Penelope Cruz and ScarJo. It is one of the few “Oscar movies” I’ve actually seen..other than the animated stuff. Zack & Miri has Elizabeth Banks, Seth Rogan and Jason Mewes in it. Oh…Traci Lords is in it too. Yeah, time hasn’t been great to her but God love her for going ‘mainstream’ and all that even though most of the roles she plays aren’t really a stretch…she plays a stripper/porn actress type person in the movie. Go figure. Kevin Smith had a hand in this movie as well but I don’t recall exactly in what capacity…I think he likely co-wrote and produced it. I’d have to look that up though. I love Kevin Smith. LOVE. If you have not seen ‘Dogma’, ‘Clerks’ & ‘Clerks II’, etc… GO NOW. ‘Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist’ was good too. I let TGC watch it too cuz it said PG-13 and I had heard from a friend of mine that it wasn’t bad at all. Most of the movie was not bad but there were a few moments that were SOOOO not what I’d normally let my 10yo daughter watch but… she has seen ‘Slapshot’ so I guess its all relative. LOL no really, I wouldn’t recommend it for younger kids as it gets kinda heavy on the sexual innuendo in parts even though TGC didn’t “get” it, its still not something I really want her to know yet. Plus, I don’t really want a call from the school about how she’s been asking all her friends what “jerk off” or “fistful of assholes” means, ya know?? I see the “fistful of assholes” thing happening more at hockey practice with all the other 11-12yo potty mouths though. Ugh. Ah, but I digress. On to the Oscars…. *yawn* too long, boring and Hugh Jackman shouldn’t sing. Why is he on Broadway? I can’t sing either but I don’t pretend that I can. Granted, I’d rather hear Hugh Jackman sing than Pierce Brosnan but I’d also rather hear a bag of dying cats than Pierce Brosnan. No offense to the cats. (No cats were harmed in the creation of this blog post) ‘Mamma Mia’ was painful. It’s hard to maim and destroy ABBA but they pulled it off! I love ABBA. It was difficult to watch. I like Penelope Cruz and think she did a wonderful job in VCB so I’m thrilled she won an Oscar for it. I have not seen Kate Winslet’s movie so I have no opinion on it or her performance. The only thing that comes to mind when I hear Kate Winslet is Titanic and I hated that movie with a fiery passion so I try hard to not hold that against her. I know I’ve seen her in other stuff, I just have to think really hard to get that Titanic crap outta me brain. It is not her fault that movie was an epic pile of dog doo. Moving on… Mickey Rourke. Wow. I have not seen his wrasslin movie and pretty sure I’m not going to but it was nominated for a few awards. HE was nominated for an award or two I think. Shit, he was frickin nominated for best actor. If any of you have actually seen the movie, please… do tell me is it any good at all?? Does he actually act in it or does he just do the usual Mickey Rourke thing?? Ick. He’s disturbing to look at.. he’s had so much work done, its just awkward. Best speech of the night (that I saw) was the guy who did the screen adaption of ‘Milk’ .. Darren… crap, I cannot for the life of me remember his last name. I want to see ‘Milk’ really bad. I’m waiting for it to come out on DVD. I liked Penelope Cruz’s speech too because it seemed very genuine.

3) Twitter. I love how everyone on freakin Earth is now doing Twitter. I am getting emails all the time now from friends trying to get me to sign up on Twitter. Uhhh yeah, I’ve been doing Twitter for like a year?? I dunno but a while….before it was cool to tweet, I can say I was tweeting. I feel so hip right now. I have to enjoy the moment cuz they don’t come so often anymore. I am kinda past that age of being “cool”…just ask my kids. Well, the younger one MIGHT still think I’m sorta cool every now and then but not the older one. Plus I cannot really tell them all “doi, I’ve been tweeting for like ever ya dorks” cuz none of them know about this little blog here so if I said that then they’d all be like “oh well what’s your Twitter name?” …ummm *crickets* So I can enjoy this I feel hip moment with you, but not them. Ha. They suck. ;-)

4) Facebook has completely eliminated any need at all for me to even consider attending any class reunions. I love Facebook for that reason alone. I hate it for many other reasons but I love it for eradicating the need for any class reunion attendance!

5) Friends & Family. Sometimes friends are family… I feel that way a lot. The more I examine the familial relationships that I have, the more I come to realize how ghastly and unhealthy they are. There are people that I guess you could technically say I hardly know that I feel closer to and trust more than my own family members. And there are friends that I have who provide me more support – true support, no hidden agendas – that I trust implicitly and I cannot say that about most of my family. One thing I am learning to do is put those who are truly important to me before those who are not. Clearly, the kids & T come before anyone else but I am working on being truly ok with the notion that I don’t have to explain myself to my sister, father/step-mother, mother, etc… They have no input on my life choices, parenting or any other facet of my life. I don’t have a good supportive or even healthy relationship with any of them so it is time to do what is best for ME and my wellness. My wellness impacts those who ARE important to me that come way before they do.

6) Sort of an ‘add-on’ to #5, big thanks to LMSKP, Jen from The Shootout and Dijea! LMSKP and Jen came to see TGC play her big yearly game downtown! Dijea, I know, was there in spirit! (D- I hope H2 gets to feeling better soon!) My brother and nephew came too but they don’t read this (LOL) so … wasn’t really gonna mention that but their attendance meant a lot to me as well. T’s dad was going to come down from WI to attend but he’s coming down for T’s surgery next week and couldn’t do both. Yet, my father & step-mother couldn’t drive 30 mins to go. They have yet to see her play even once…but that is another story all together. And frankly, I don’t care cuz they don’t support her playing at all so I’d rather them just not come. LMSKP is the most awesome person ever… she is always there for big games, for major events of any kind kid related or for me…she’s just always been there.

7) TGC’s return to the ice was a great one! She did really good. She’ll make her full return this weekend to play an entire game since her ankle sprain and us finding out the feet/ankle thing she’s got going on. It has been gimp central at my house lately but now I’ve got one fixed and one to go! This season has certainly been a roller coaster ride but overall, it has been good. I’ve learned a lot and so has she. I’ve made a new hockey mom friend who is a really cool person and TGC & the team have finally all reached the acceptance point with each other. It took a while for them all to accept her but once they did, they did and it’s been pretty smooth sailing with the kids. Some of them are even quite protective of their goalie…. At the beginning of the season, I did not think we’d ever get to that point! Her squirt team was pretty tight and she jumped up a division to an all new team so it was rough at first. Thankfully the team Captain is strong and takes no crap from anyone. He’s been a huge help and those two are like… peas n carrots. LOL When they are a few years older, I’ll be sending her away to an all girl academy but for now, it is cute that they are buddies. Oh…and have I mentioned that when she was measured this past summer for leg pads she was 4’9” and when she was measured earlier this month she’s now just over 5’2”??? She’s frickin 10. AND…she’s been eating like a horse lately and having growing pains which means she’s about to sprout again. Good lord. She’s already wearing a women’s size 9 shoe. WTF is in the water?!

8) Ahhh and Boyzilla…. Boyzilla who is failing most of his classes including PE. It takes more effort to FAIL phys ed than it does to just show up and do nothing and pass. Seriously. He and I had a chat about this… I know what he’s up to and I let him know it. He’s a smart kid. He’s capable of doing the work at school, he just won’t. It is infuriating. He’s got a 25 in English I and a 46 in World Geo. Umm no, not a typo – a TWENTY-FIVE in English. He ‘gets’ the concept of homework, just not as it applies to him. We’ve tried everything…. Taking away all possessions, all privileges….everything. He doesn’t care. Bribery…I’d call it “incentives” but c’mon, its bribery. Let’s call a spade, a spade. He doesn’t care. How do you motivate a person who does not care??? Please. If anyone has any advice, suggestions, anything…. Please. Fire them at me. I really do not know what else to try with him. He’s a smart boy…. he can do the work, he’s proven it time and time again. He just WILL NOT do it. If I want him to get through High School (and I do!!!) I’m gonna have to lobby the school to put him back in BAC full-time so they can sit on him all day to get all work done there on campus during the day. That seems like the easy way out but I really do not know what else to do with him?? If it were up to him, he’d just quit but thankfully he cant quit in TX til he’s 18 and as of right now, he wont turn 18 til the start of his Senior year. If he fails one more grading period of English, he’ll be doing Freshman English again next year. If we keep going at this rate, he will be a 9th grader again next year and that means he’ll be 18 the beginning of his 11th grade year and have 2 full years of HS left…. It will be difficult, at best, to keep him in ONE year after he knows he can quit, I don’t want to be behind the 8 ball for two. He *will* finish HS if it kills us both…and it just might!!!

awwww stalkerina is back.....

2009-02-18T20:27:00.003-06:00

I feel so loved.

Guess what ya dumb bitch? Every blog you go to attempting to spy and pry and gather whatever it is you think is out there to find on whomever you may or may not annoying the fuck out of for no other reason than to be a miserable bitch...guess what? There are things call web analytics, site meters, etc so uhhh yeah, I (and everyone else that has a blog you lay your stink on) can tell who is coming to my blog, what your IP address is and where you are from....even the shittiest of shithole towns will show up. Cool, huh?

Personally, I find it amusing that you come here. I'd rather you be over here stinking up the place than spending your endless amount of hours saying stupid shit to your kids or conjuring up ways to try make decent people's life unnecessarily unpleasant. The funniest thing about your attempts, though, is that they are soooo much better people than you in every fathomable way that it actually makes them stronger every time you pull your shit but you are too fucking stupid to see it.

Sooo..since you are here... let me take the opportunity to lecture you on a few rules of appropriate parenting. Perhaps you will learn something...

1) Thou shalt not use your children for your own petty agenda. Ever.
2) Adult issues are to be discussed and dealt with in the presence of adults only. They have nothing to do with kids and kids should have as little exposure to your adult problems as possible.
3) Your kids did not ask to have a mother who is an unstable psycho. Grow up. If you have something to say to your ex, take it up with him/her on your own time.
4) There is a reason why you are not with your ex and none of the reasons have to do with your kids so again, leave them out of it.
5) If your ex has moved on with his/her life, put on your big girl panties and get a grip. Nobody says you have to embrace the new partner as your BFF but it is in your best interest to be civil, polite and have a cooperative and collaborative relationship with your ex and their new partner because it is what is best for the KIDS. It is not about YOU. Let me repeat that part... NOT ABOUT YOU.
6) Finally...and this part is personal from ME and only ME to you. You are the worst kind of ex...the worst kind of mother... Women like you make it damn near impossible for people who have REAL problems that need attention from state agencies/family court to get any attention at all because of your drama, absurd motions and wasting of the court's time. By no means do you have to answer to me for that, but you will answer for it. I promise you that so when the day comes, I hope all your petty bullshit and the psychological warfare you put your kids through will be worth it.

Tell me...can you look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself it is worth it? Ha. Take ME to court for pissing you off. You know I'm talking to you but nobody else does and I dont mention names or places or anything specific enough for your lawyer to do a fucking thing about...how do I know? I asked mine. hahaha

Grow up and do something with yourself and your life. Great example of responsibility, accountability, adulthood and of women that you are setting for the kids. Kudos.

You can pick your friends and you can pick nose but you cant pick….YOUR FAMILY!

2009-02-16T17:48:00.001-06:00

I should give my therapist some major kudos next time I see him because had it not been for the fact that I've seen in therapy for almost 6 months now, I would have had a serious episode last week when I talked to my sister. I have learned so much about myself and the choices I've made, why I've made them and that is ok to set boundaries with people – even ones you are related to – when your relationship with them is not healthy. Hell, I never really realized boundaries were a problem for me and in another post I'll share something that my therapist shared with me that totally left me speechless about boundaries and all that but this post is about something else.

I have a father, mother, sister and brother. These people would all be considered "family" to most folks and they'd share certain bonds with each depending on the relationship: son/daughter, mother, father, sibling. I have people I am related to by blood to fill all those roles above but what I do not have is the healthy bond that goes with them. The only one I am closest to having anything close to a 'normal' or 'healthy' relationship with is my brother. He does not judge me or say horribly manipulative things or even blatantly offensive things to suggest that any hint of misery would make him happy. We may not talk every day and I may not see him all the time but I think of all of the folks listed above, he's the only one who would give me advice or support that was genuinely in my best interest with no hidden agenda. He has always been there for me when I needed him. I should really tell him all of this and how much I appreciate him, huh?

My mother & father… lets not go there. No need to go there as I've been there way too often. Let's not beat a dead horse.

My sister, on the other hand, is a place I haven't been much here in my blog. She's the oldest so she has a bad habit of still treating me like I'm 12 and a complete moron but it goes way deeper. Last week I called her and it is normally me that calls her and as we are talking I am telling her some stuff about TGC and the little prepubescent love triangle on her hockey team (oy vey) when she interrupts me to laugh and say the following:

Oh my God, you are really into this stuff. My how the mighty have fallen, you use to travel the world and have interesting stuff to talk about and now this is your life. Wow.

My sister is pretty much known for being a catty materialistic bitch. Let's call a spade a spade. Let me also point out that back when I did use to travel she rode my ass constantly for it telling me how my priorities were off, how selfish I was, what a horrible person and mother I was, etc… Oooooh except for when the fact that I traveled got something for her… like a trip here and there. Now she's being a rude ass bitch interrupting me talk about my daughter – her niece – and basically throwing in my face the fact that she thinks I'm miserable and its amusing to her. There are other implications here, though, that really bug me. "Oh how the mighty have fallen" – WTF is that suppose to mean? Back when I did travel, it was not because I wanted to do so. It was a job requirement and let me assure you there is NOTHING glamorous about traveling for work. I never pretended or even implied otherwise. That isn't even the point though… I do not travel now and I am HAPPY about that and I do not think I have "fallen" from anything. To be "mighty" or to have "fallen" from something, I would have had to have been up on something…and I never was. I am likely one of the most unpretentious people you would ever meet. Yeah, back when I made considerably more money than I make now, I would make a few goofy purchases here and there. Sue me. What I never did was flaunt them to her or anyone else though. Yes, I have a Burberry bag. I'm a heinous horrible bitch. I never even mentioned that I bought one but when she saw it she made a rather large spectacle about it. I wanted one and I worked my ass off to get it. So what? Frankly, it isn't even her business what I make or spend but again… not the point. She is STILL pissed off, bitter and jealous that I have one and she doesn't. I've had the stupid thing for almost 5 years. She and I took very different paths in life and I'm sorry if her path didn't work out quite the way she thought it would but what really freakin pisses me off is that she is one of those people who does not see that she made choices in life. She, like my mother, is a victim of life.

I am where I am today and things have happened to me – good and bad – because of my life choices. Of course that is not absolute and there are things you do not have control over but I take responsibility for where I am in life. I made the choice to do X and so the outcome was Y. My sister is not that way. Things always happen TO her and if those things happen to be not what she wanted or if she feels I have more "things" than she does even though I place less value on "things" than she does and she knows this… she will lash out at me and then I get the wrath for her misery.

The real magic here though is that I didn't "get" all this til just recently. I always wondered why she was always so hard on me and why could she not just be happy or even supportive for whatever I had going on at the time. She's all over things that are bad…like if something bad happens she's all over it and is there to give support and comfort and all that but you know, its all just an act I think. She is not happy when others are happy and will poke as many holes as she can into whatever you have that is good. "Why do you have to drive such a fancy car?" "Why do you have to live in such a fancy house?" "You put money before your kids and that is wrong. Why cant you be happy working some simple job?"

Uhhhh I don't live in a fancy house and my car is far from fancy. I put far less value on 'stuff' than she does and I have bills to pay and I worked my ass off for a good job. I deserve to have a good job because I earned it. Again…the different paths thing. I wanted a good job when I was young and worked towards that whereas she just chose a different path. She works and has a good job too but perhaps they'd not be sofa king poor if she'd accept the concept of living within one's means. I dunno, just sayin.

The bottom line is that she is bitter and apparently hates her life, which is sad; however, that has nothing to do with me and her lashing out is going to stop.

I am far happier now. I am not traveling so I am home in my bed with my husband and my kids every night so I have more time to get involved with the stuff the kids are doing and more time to do stuff I want to do like spend time with people I want to spend time with…none of which I'm related to (other than the kids and my brother). I've been able to start the therapy process which was LONG overdue and is helping me understand myself and my relationships better. So tell me, what exactly did I "fall" from?

I'm sorry that you hate your life so much, I really am. It is sad but it is not my fault nor is it my problem. If continuing a relationship with you is going to be like this, we aren't going to continue.

this sucks

2009-02-12T18:49:00.003-06:00

The no blogging during the day thing sucks really bad but I think I have figured out how to get around it...kinda. I will just have to write up my posts during the day and then post them when I get home. That will just have to work for now.

Update on TGC - the dr was able to modify her skates and changed his mind basically on his preference of what position is better for her to play for her ankles and feet and long story short.... She is cleared and back in practice this week! She is VERY VERY happy!!!

T hasnt had his surgery scheduled yet. He's anxious and in pain. It sucks. We still think they are shooting for the 1st week or so in March. Waiting SUCKS.

I have my certification exam coming up on March 1.

I've had a few small victories so those count just as much as the big ones and sometimes even more :)

I havent been sleeping all that great...if you follow me on Twitter you've probably seen the wacked out msgs I send from my phone at night LOL

I'm peeved about some political stuff but I pretty much unloaded that on Dijea's blog hahaha (sorry D)

Ok...thats about it for now.

blog withdrawal n stuff

2009-02-09T20:52:00.005-06:00

Yeah so I cant blog from work anymore. Cant tweet. What meaning does life even have, right? Ok so THAT is a little dramatic but I've totally had blog withdrawal since I cant blog or read other blogs or do anything BLOG. Oy.

So a few things have gone on... and yeah, I'm blogging during the Presidential speech cuz now that the hubbub is over its just another blah blah blah speech about the upcoming gazillion dollar spending bill. Spending is right. Lets not go there. I will feel the need to blast angry tweets again (lol). Nobody wants that, trust me. Ten bazillion for Hollywood movie producers? Sure, why not? Hope some quality flicks get made with my freakin tax dollars.

TGC's young goalie career hung by a thin thread for a few days. She's got some stuff going on with her feet and ankles and she cannot play in the net for the rest of this season except for one important game coming up in two weeks. Its been rough to say the least. I dont even want to go into that right now. It can be corrected if she does the exercises the dr told her to do and if she wears the special things in her shoes and skates but still.... no goalie this season and maybe never again. Thats hard for a kid when that's one of the big deals of your young life, ya know? I hate to see her take it so hard but she'll get through it. In fact, if I know her she'll not only get through it she'll bust through the gates and come thru the other side corrected and better than ever! Cuz that's just how she is! :) But still... I wish I could use some kind of Mom power to fix it for her.

Now for Boyzilla.... last I posted about him, I was agonizing over the whole sperm donor thing. Well, the problem was kinda solved for me because of course I didnt hear a peep from dickhead's mother so I called her back cuz putting Boyzilla thru some kind of absurd "I'll call you" wait for these ppl was just bullshit. Guess what? The number has been disconnected. Fucking disconnected. I was not shocked but I was nothing short of fucking livid that these people have again rejected and disappointed my son and without any explanation. I mean as an adult I can come up with all kinds of "reasons" or quasi-explanations for their piss poor behavior but he's a kid...all he knows is that they have rejected him again with no warning and no reason. Its just the kind of people they are and this time I said so.

I have my certification exam coming up on March 1. So I've been hitting the ole study guides n such. Fun.

I had kind of a scary moment at work regarding intermittent FMLA. Had to even call the ole therapist in for that one but I dont think I'm gonna have to do it after all but I'm still trying to figure it out. Nothing like a good ole sobering scare to make you feel not so goofy/tense/frazzled after all, eh? Yeah buddy.

Oh and TGC went over to a boy's house and she had the same boy come over to our house to hang out. They are just friends but somehow this 'friendship' seems different. Maybe its because she went from wearing her glasses, pjs and hair sticking up in 4 different directions to having her contacts in, hair perfect and dressed in a fully coordinated outfit in a nano second after he called her and she knew he was coming over.... hmmmmmmm. Use to, she'd hang out with her hockey buds wearing jeans and a tshirt or even sweats and a tshirt but not this time. *eyebrow raise* Good thing this boy fears T. LOL

Bottom line... I'm still here. Everyone is ok. It takes a lot to bring this ole gal down. I think I'm about to crack then something will happen to remind me I'm tougher than I thought and I pull up and keep on truckin.

Peace out.

words I never thought I'd hear....

2009-01-30T21:03:00.003-06:00

(not anytime soon anyway)

T, TGC and I were talking about bands & music when TGC says:

Ya know, I'm kinda growing out of The Jonas Brothers.

T: that's music to my ears (he calls them the Jonas Sisters to annoy her)
Me: *jaw drop* whaaaaaaaaaat?? You don't like Joe Jonas anymore?
TGC: Mom, I never said that. I meant their music. Just some of it.

Oh, they grow so quickly. What will her JoBro posters be replaced with??? Ooooooh I hate to think. LOL

I wonder if this has anything to do with a certain boy she likes who is a metal head like her. Well, she's a metal head who also listens to the Jonas Brothers hahahaha Hmmmm...

parenting: the really hard stuff

2009-01-29T17:39:00.001-06:00

I’m having a very difficult time with something and I need to get it out and I need some insight because I know there are a lot of you out there who are step-parents dealing with the bio parent and bio parents who are having to live too far away from your kids…basically a lot of different situations out there and maybe some of you can help me out here. Having said that, I know this is a really sensitive and highly emotional topic and while I genuinely welcome all opinions I do not welcome any kind of bitterness just for the sake of being bitter. Life, parenting and extended family relationships are difficult enough so if you want a place to vent about how bitchy or difficult someone is without also offering ways to make the situation better for everyone, don’t bother.

Boyzilla’s bio father has not been seen or heard from since 1999. Inspector Gadget is the only Dad Boyzilla knows and yes, there IS a difference between a ‘dad’ and a ‘father’. He’s raised him as his own even after we divorced. When we had to split up Boyzilla and TGC, he took Boyzilla (who is not his “real” child…and I hate the whole “real” labeling thing. Its damaging and annoying) and TGC (who is his “real” child) stayed with me. We, together, made the decision as we felt it was best for the kids given the situation we had.

Naturally, Boyzilla has asked questions over the years about where his father is, why did he leave, does he love him, etc. This is a perfectly normal reaction for a child to have when a parent up and disappears. I totally understand that and I also understand that any issue I personally have/had with his father is MY issue, not my son’s and it is not even in the same zip code with appropriate to discuss it with him. Soooo… when he would ask me these questions the only thing I knew to do was tell him that his father loves him very much and he always will. He must have had something really important that he had to go do or he would have said goodbye to him. I don’t know if that was the right answer but it seemed to comfort Boyzilla when he’d cry wondering why his father left him. Sure, it would have made ME feel better to say he’s abusive asshole and disappearing will likely be the best thing he will ever do for him but I can’t do that because it would have been inappropriate, irresponsible and psychologically damaging to my son. I feel he needed me during those times more than ever and had I chosen to be selfish and trash his father and not attend to his emotional needs, he would have had two parents abandon him. See, this is not about me. This is about a child who feels abandoned and rightfully so. He was. Sure, he has a lot of people who love him and care about him but the one who HASN’T been there is the one he grieves. I get it. Trust me, I get it more than you know and more than I probably even realize.

I told Boyzilla that when he was a little older that if he wanted to find his father, I would help him and I meant it. Here is where things get very hard for me…. You see, I do not toss around words like “abusive” lightly. His father WAS abusive to me and to Boyzilla. The abuse to me does not matter here but the abuse to him does. I will come back to this in a second.

I have tried to find his father several times over the years if for no other reason to keep tabs on where he is for safety reasons. The State of Texas is also looking for him for back child support but that is neither here nor there, it only contributes to the story in that neither of us have been able to locate him. Well, I found his mother here in the US…both his parents are here in the US actually. His father is American and his mother is Brazilian so they, at one point, had gone back to Brazil but they are now back in this country. I have no problems with his mother and never withheld visitation from her even after her son chose to disappear. We never discussed it but she knows what occurred between he and I. I did tell her one time that as long as she did not give me a reason to not trust her, I would never keep her from Boyzilla. He is her only grandchild. I mailed her pictures. I really did make a legitimate attempt to make sure that she nor Boyzilla suffered from the sins of his father. I have to say, it is because of my experience with him that I go completely tilt sometimes in the comments I make on other blogs (*ahem* like uh… SC’s blog lol) because if I was able to put aside the things I endured at his hands and do my best to not punish even his mother for them and tell my child his father loves him to comfort him when he needs it most then I say to all those parents out there acting so badly simply out spite – you come look me in the eye and explain to me why YOU have the right to use your children for your personal mind games and petty revenge. Ok, I’ll get off the soapbox but man does this kind of crap piss me off because all these people making false claims are the ones who make it IMPOSSIBLE for those of us who have real ones to get anything done. If you knowingly make a false claim against your ex-spouse/bf/gf or their spouse/significant other for some petty bullshit reason, you should be prosecuted. Why? Because you are part of the reason why my child (and tons more other kids) was not able to get the services needed when he was abused at 3 years old and made his outcry to the daycare (not me!) and we had to go through weeks and weeks of counseling at the local CPS Advocacy Center only to get a ruling of “unable to determine” despite a doctor finding some physical “abnormalities” and despite his counselor telling me she feels strongly that abuse occurred but she can’t put it on paper because he’s not old enough to provide enough detail to meet the criteria. I’ll just leave it at that or I may have a meltdown right here in my office. So when I say the man was abusive, I am not being petty….far, far from it.

Does Boyzilla remember this? No. He was only 3, maybe 3 ½ . He remembers other things though that are bad enough but you know how it is, until you reach a certain age or a certain point in your life your parents are still your parents no matter how much bad stuff you might remember. Everyone’s “point” is different and that is if your parents are around so who knows what that “point” may be if they have just all but vanished. That part, I cannot relate to so I don’t know.

Ok…so I found his parents and I called and spoke to his mother Tuesday night. She was very happy to hear from me and to hear about Boyzilla. She knew exactly how old he was, remembered his birthday, remembered The Girl Child… she basically remembered my whole family. I explained to her that Boyzilla has asked questions here and there over the years and he was at the age where if he wanted to try to find his father, I said I would help by finding her and he could ask her questions and talk to her because she’s his grandmother, etc. I did not ask her where her son was. I simply asked her if she would mind if Boyzilla talked to her and I told her to be prepared for him to ask a lot of questions. She said she would love to talk to him and that she would answer anything he asked and she’d tell him the truth – she has no idea where her son is.

Now the hard part…. Boyzilla has his heart set on finding his father. I have told him that she doesn’t know where he is but he can ask her whatever he wants. He cried when I told him I found her and talked to her. This is really very scary for me because Boyzilla is very impressionable, like any kid, but because of the mental health issues…he’s just… its just scary. My biggest fear is that his father is just going to appear and demand to see him. I know I shouldn’t twist myself up over stuff that is a “what if” but man, I have had this fear for years and now that I’ve talked to his mother it is a little more real now. If he did try to come around and want to see Boyzilla… how in the world do I knowingly let my son see this man, father or not, that I know to be psychologically and physically abusive? Especially since my child is mentally ill? I don’t want pride or any issue of mine to cloud my judgment on this but everything in my gut SCREAMS no. It is his father though…. But I am his mother. Do you see the problem here?

Wise Words no matter where it came from or who wrote it...

2009-01-29T14:01:00.004-06:00

I got this in one of those email forwards so I stripped out all the FWD FWD FWD crap and the "forward this to X number of people or you'll marry a toad or you will never have sex again or shit will fall off, etc" just so I could post the actual message. I *really* wish that someone would have told/taught me all this stuff when I was young and trust me, I'm doing everything I can to make sure my daughter is getting the love, protection and other things she needs at home so she has a strong sense of self and is confident enough to stand up for HER needs and wants. Also it is to hopefully prevent her from "just settling" on a guy for the wrong reasons. Some of us know all too well where that can lead and the disasters that can come from it. Sooo to some this would just be another email forward but to me, it was an important message - a really important one.

BY THE WAY, THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN.. (I have no idea if this is true nor do I care)

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve
then heck no, you can't 'be friends.' A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think 'it will get better.' You'll be mad at yourself
a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has
more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about
baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists
of two WHOLE individuals. ..look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and your
always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another
RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

a few things

2009-01-22T14:06:00.003-06:00

1) I am behind on blog stuff. I got a 'I heart your blog' award from Smirking Cat!! *squeee* (I totally stole the "squeee" thing from Kritta btw) so I need to pass that on and havent yet cuz I'm a slacker. And I received the most awesome gift o friendship from Dijea via her blog that I also need to pass on and havent cuz, again...slacker. I swear I will do this SOON. Promise, even.

2) Immi & Clinically Clueless - When I saw the good ole therapist this week he read something to me that I swear was written about me (it wasnt, of course) and I'm wondering if you guys know all about this too. I will address this in another post but here's a teaser: affective dissociation. Oh yeah, sooo many questions.

3) Speaking of therapy my homework this go 'round is to blog about taking the risk to be vulnerable. WTF. Yeah, I audibly sighed. Sooo not looking forward to this one. I know the assignment is something that hits close to home and/or needs to be addressed by the level of ass itching -- uh perhaps I should explain that, eh? I am known to say the quaint lil phrase "OMG that makes my ass itch!!" and it basically means that it annoys me and/or makes me want to do anything BUT whatever it is I was referring to. Sooo some homework assignments he gives me dont make my ass itch much at all but sometimes they make my ass itch so much I have to call LMSKP as soon as I get to my car and say "Crap! RDub is making me do XXX and OMG that makes my ass itch so bad!!" Get it? Ok, good. This particular assignment is very high on the ass itching chart which tells me it will be good for me to do it. I will piss n moan about it but it'll make a better person and all that jazz.

4) I have to go see the shrinkie dink today. Thank God. I've gone without some of my junk for like a month and I well beyond stressed out. He left way earlier than I expected for the Christmas holidays so I ran out of junk and havent been able to get in for an appt. Can you say "donkey on the edge"?? (shrek reference) Me + no klonopin + ridiculous amounts of anxiety = very bad idea. Just sayin. I'm sure T is thankful I'm going to get my shit today too. I'm sure everyone who knows me is thankful. :)

5) Oy. Speaking of T, he has to have neck surgery the first part of March. That is all I wish to say about that at this time. Poor thing. He is stressed out. I am stressed out. Please keep us in your thoughts & prayers. We need it, just trust me on this one.

6) I have a certification exam coming up. I havent taken an exam in ...uhhh 16 years? OMG. I mean, it is just my job riding on it...that's all. *eyes bugging out*

7) Lost. Watched Lost last night with T, TGC and LMSKP and it was frickin awesome. AWESOME. I had to practically diagram out how to get everything TiVo'd so we could watch the Lost preview show and the two new episodes. I managed to pull it off and get everything I wanted though. Ha! Take that, Fox.

8) I made TGC watch Pres Obama's speech after he was sworn in on Tuesday. I told her it was history being made and later in life, people will talk about watching it and I want her to have her own memories of it. At first she was not too happy about me making her watch it but even she said he gave a good speech. But, she's 10 so what *really* sold her on President Obama? His daughters also like the Jonas Brothers LOL Hey, whatever gets her interested in current events.

9) As we round out the week and I round out my list, it has been a roller coaster of a week for the US and for me personally. Like Houston commented on the post where I put up the text to Obama's speech, I truly wish him luck and hope he is able to change the country for the better because that *is* change we all need. I classify myself as a Republican but I'm also a member of MoveOn.org and I've voted both ways in past elections (does this make me a bi-voter? LOL). Personally I think there are more people like me who fit somewhere in the middle than strongly left or right but I could be wrong. Whatever the case may be, we have a new president and I support a lot of what his plan is for change. I dont back everything he stands for but I hardly ever back everything one candidate stands for, no matter what party they choose to align with. Admittedly, it is time to stop looking backwards and just move forward. He's a smart man with a smart team and if anyone can put the US back on track that is active in the political arena right now, I think its likely him.

20JAN09 - How can you NOT be moved by this speech?

2009-01-20T11:33:00.004-06:00

(here is the text of Obama's prepared speech for today's swearing in ceremony. I got it from CNN.com)

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.
In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.
What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.
Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

I really like that President Obama touched upon things that I feel, in my opinion, too many people have forgotten -- accountability, loyalty, responsibility and the fact that your citizenship/freedom are *not* free. You are OWED nothing and we should all fight to help ourselves and each other.

2009 Edition of 100 Things (1-25)

2009-01-16T15:28:00.001-06:00

1) In June of this year, I will have had this blog for 2 years!
2) When I started this blog, I never thought I’d still be doing it in 2 years.
3) Today, I hope to still be blogging in 10 years!
4) I am bummed that I did not get to see Sean Avery play for the Stars in person.
5) I am happy that TGC & I at least got to meet Sean Avery before all the drama started. He was very personable and gracious. (pfffft! to all you haters!)
6) I wish Marty Turco was having a better season.
7) I wish Brad Richards would get sent back to Tampa Bay.
8) I think Steve Ott is THE MAN.
9) I am still searching for Ed Belfour. *sigh*
10) I love the show ’30 Rock’
11) I think the show ‘Heroes’ has jumped the shark
12) I like Oprah’s magazine but I never watch her show
13) I have not read any of the ‘Twilight’ books
14) I have the first book in the Twilight series but I just haven’t been curious enough to read it yet. (I’m afraid I’m going to hate the book and people will throw rocks at me lol)
15) I will probably just watch the ‘Twilight’ movie instead and hope I’m minimally entertained by it.
16) I totally love the show ‘Lost’…so much so that I’m almost obsessed with it. I can read theories about it for HOURS. Seriously, HOURS.
17) I want to finish reading ‘Dianetics’ this year. I read a little bit here and there. I just want to know what all the kooky hype is about??
18) Speaking of kooks, I do not like Tom Cruise. I mean, I have a really strong dislike for him.
19) I think Katie Holmes looks positively miserable since joining the Scientology coven but… she’s an adult and makes her own choices. I just think it is sad to see people who are visibly miserable.
20) When I see someone cry, I cry. I cannot help it.
21) I just started reading ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’. I never read it when I was younger.
22) I often read 3-4 books at one time.
23) I can touch my nose with my tongue
24) I am afraid of clowns
25) I am like Rain Man when it comes to remembering numbers but I am horrible at math

tired.

2009-01-13T11:28:00.001-06:00

I am tired. I’ve been sick and I’m suppose to be feeling a lot better by now. I’m better but not anywhere near 100% but then again, I don’t recall the last time I really felt 100%. I am not sure I would even know it if I felt it. T has been sick for a while now. At first we thought he just hurt his back but seeing a chiropractor didn’t help, the regular doctor couldn’t really find anything so I finally sent him to the doctor I saw when I hurt my neck. He thinks he may have some kind of viral neuropathy involving his spine. Great. Freakin great. That is not exactly the kind of news you wanna hear and I am really worried but I don’t want that to show because I don’t want T to get all freaked out. I know he’s worried but I also know that he just wants to feel better. I can relate 100% to the feeling of just wanting to feel better. I just want him to feel better too. We’ve both been unhealthy in one way or another for months. It’d be really nice to have a period of happiness and healthiness. Yeah, right.

The Stars actually won last night. They beat the Red Wings. I barely care. I haven’t even touched my fantasy hockey team in over a week. I don’t want to blog about hockey. I don’t want to read about hockey. I barely wanted to watch hockey last night.

I have not read Perez Hilton is over a month.

I either cannot sleep or I want to do nothing but sleep.

This stupid unnecessary crap with TGC’s hockey team is really upsetting and I feel like I’m getting NO support at all. I feel backed into a corner because I do not want to punish her by my actions taken out of frustration but I also do not want to feel as though I have not stood up for her either. Why can’t adults act like adults and grasp the concept of appropriate behavior? Ha! Yeah, right.

I have -$80.24 in my checking account right now. Why? Because I totally suck when it comes to money management and remembering things like bills that I have set to auto-deduct from my checking account. I have them set to auto-deduct because if I didn’t, I would not remember to pay them. Hi, meet the double edged sword. I am almost 36 years old, I should not be negative in my checking account. I am too old to make dumbass mistakes like that…c’mon. By the time I get paid at the end of the week, I’ll be negative like $200 due to all the “you’re a retard and cannot manage money” fees assessed by the bank. Nice.

Authenticity. I feel so… not authentic. I’ve been kicking up dust on my Facebook account the last several days. Reconnecting with people I went to school with, former co-workers, etc.. I feel this overwhelming need to be the person that they all know/remember me to be – or at least the person that I think they know/remember me to be, I could be fooling myself on this – and wow, it is kinda draining AND it has really been a sobering reality check. I am so different now than I was just…. 3 years ago. Hell, just a year ago probably. I have been through so much stuff that none of these people even have the slightest clue about and yet some of them were there when I went through it. That feels weird to me…. Was I just distant? Maybe I was just flakey… or maybe I actually was pretty good with putting up a mask. Who knows.

Doing this therapy thing has been hard but as a few of you who comment have mentioned, it is hard because it is working. I haven’t been since before Christmas. Then I got this stupid mega infection and have been sick. I’m suppose to go tomorrow. Honestly, I don’t want to go but I will because I know I need to go. Last time we talked about self myths and what we tell ourselves, etc… but it is like a big chunk of my life has been a myth and I’m having to not just rewrite a few sentences but the whole freakin book. I cant honestly say that would be a bad thing but it is scary as hell.

Dear...

2009-01-06T11:17:00.005-06:00

...Everyone:

Since I started this blog, I felt like I have truly come to know some of you who come by to read and/or comment from time to time. I feel that I've participated in some of the things you have been through and that you have participated in some of what I have been through. While it seems a little goofy for me to just say "thanks", it is thought behind it that I truly hope comes across because I sincerely do want to express my gratitude to every single one of you who have touched me in ways that you may not even know. It may have been through your sharing your wisdom/advice or leaving me a smartass remark to make me laugh when I desperately needed it or talking hockey with me when I needed to focus on something else or it could simply be that you let me know you were out there and actually cared about what I had to say. Whatever it may have been, thank you.

I wish to pass on to you an old Irish toast I stumbled across that I have been saving for this post specifically...

May the best of the past be the worst of the future!

Happy 2009.
UB

choggit!

2009-01-06T10:43:00.002-06:00

source: https://www.qualityhealth.com/psp/poll.jspa?poll=1079&rf=31394&emailPID=related_articles&mc=MTU5MTk1MTY.

5 Reasons To Eat More Chocolate

1. Healthier Cholesterol Levels. A recent study conducted at Penn State University found that people who ate a diet rich in cocoa powder and dark chocolate had lower oxidation levels of LDL "bad" cholesterol and higher levels of HDL “good” cholesterol. For more ways to improve your levels, visit our Cholesterol Health Center.

2. Better Blood Pressure. According to a German study recently published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, a bite of dark chocolate a day may help regulate high blood pressure. The study's authors suspect that the cocoa increases levels of nitric oxide, a compound that helps to relax and open the blood vessels.

3. Muscle Magic. It may seem like a strange choice for a sports drink, but chocolate milk may help boost athletic performance. In a recent Indiana University study, cyclists who drank chocolate milk between workouts scored better on fatigue and endurance tests than those who consumed standard sports beverages. For more peak-performance tips, visit our Fitness & Exercise Health Center.

4. Brain Gains. According to the National Alzheimer’s Association, consuming dark chocolate can help reduce your chances of developing dementia later in life. In fact, a local chapter of the organization recently included dark chocolate in all the gift baskets it gave to attendees at the Maintain Your Brain program. Visit our Alzheimer's center for more information on the disease.

5. Disease-Fighting Power. Cornell University researchers recently found that cocoa contains nearly twice the disease-fighting antioxidants of red wine and up to three times more than green tea. For more information on the health benefits of antioxidants, check out our guide.

You do not have to tell me twice to eat more choggit. Seriously.

Dear Masshole from Wakefield,

2009-01-02T13:37:00.002-06:00

(yes, this is gonna be about hockey so consider this an exception to my rule)

You arrived here on my happy lil blog by using the search term "steve ott a bitch". You have angered me and you are an idiot. Take your Bruins lovin-binge drinkin-bathtub Mary havin-ass and toss it off the top o' the Pru. If you aren't going into the city anytime soon, just hit yourself in the face REALLY hard and that'll do. :)

The next time you attempt to use this here new fangled innernetz, might I suggest you not forget the verb in your sentence. Example: Kessel is a candy ass. When you get that down you can try for a more complex sentence like this one: The Bruins are doing quite well this season but we all know Bean Town won't see the Cup unless they attend the winning team's parade.

Happy 2009, Wakefield.

ahhh random crap

2009-01-02T13:28:00.001-06:00

Since I have some stupid phantom menace pain thing going on in my stomach that got me sent to the ER on Tuesday – where I spent 4.5 freakin hours – and caused me to miss work on Wednesday, I’ve done a lot of laying around the last few days. I was suppose to go see my therapist on Wednesday and totally spaced about that until late Wednesday night. Lovely. I know someone else who sees the same therapist and she has an appt today, I asked her to tell him I am sorry for missing Wednesday and to just say I was drunk or on a heroine binge or whatever. That is a joke, of course, and we both know that but now that I think of it….I hope she doesn’t actually say it cuz sometimes therapists don’t so much find humor in those kind of jokes because they do that whole “is that a ‘truth joke’ kind of statement” thing and while I understand the concept of that…sometimes no, it is just a joke. But yeah, I get that therapists may not be the best people to pull those kind of jokes on even when you have no history of chemical addiction. I was cursed with the gifts of fat and crazy not with addiction as that would simply be adding insult to injury, doncha think? Seriously. The only binges I’ve been on involved Mexican food and chocolate. And maybe cheesecake. Not to say I’ve never “experimented” but that hardly constitutes… Wow, this is quickly becoming an over-share. Moving on.

I watched more movies in the downtime I’ve had over the last few days. Some good, some ok and some positively bizarre. I’m not as thorough as furiousball when it comes to movie reviews but I’ll toss some out anyway.

Eagle Eye – I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. I really liked it. It keeps you saying “WTF?” til almost the end. And I don’t mean WTF in a Coen Brothers kind of way, I mean WTF as in “whoah, what is going on? Who is behind all this” kind of way. Great movie and gives ‘big brother’ a whole new meaning. The special effects (eye candy) are pretty cool and I’m not easily impressed by eye candy unless we’re talking hot guys. Mmmkay? Oooh and there’s a cameo in this movie by Josh Todd! I was the only one to spot him and correctly name him but then again I’m like freakin Rain Man with faces and names of celebs. (Josh Todd is the lead singer of Buckcherry btw… before I get any “who?????”)

Hamlet 2 – To quote Dijea, “Shakespeare is spinning in his grave”. This movie has a few well known people in it – Katherine Keener, David Arquette, Amy Poehler and the weird looking guy who played the director in Tropic Thunder. (I love Amy Poehler btw) I had seen the previews for this movie and I was relatively certain I would go to hell for just watching it. You know, the whole musical number “Rock Me Sexy Jesus” and all. (taking a moment to pray…again) The acting is shiteous. The best part is the play/musical at the end that…shockingly…is not as blasphemous as you anticipate it is going to be which I thought was funny in a “ha ha joke’s on you” kind of way but still… I am sooooo uncomfortable hearing the words “rock me sexy Jesus” …(praying..again) T howled like a loon but I’m not certain if it was entirely from the movie or just watching me squirm and stare blankly at the tv with my pie hole gaping open and repeating “OMG!” over and over. Hard to say.

House Bunny – Yes, I voluntarily watched House Bunny. I admit it. I even WANTED to see it. I like Anna Faris and there are a lot of other ppl in it too like Potato Head (Rumer Willis), Tyson Ritter (singer, All American Rejects), Beverly D’Angelo, Colin Hanks (you may have heard of his dad, Tom?), Hugh Hefner, Katharine McPhee (American Idol), Nick Swardson (love him!), Matt Leinart (yes the football player) and Shaquille O’Neal just to name a few. Anyway… the basic story has been done a zillion times over but I really liked this particular spin on it. It speaks to every female from 10-50 on some level. The message you take away depends on your life experience and a lot of other things but I truly liked the movie and yes, there’s an actual message buried in all the glitter, fake bake and push-up bras. I am totally going to start using Shelley’s (main character) method to remember people’s names. What a scream!

The Women – Loved it. Who can not like a movie with Debra Messing, Annette Benning, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Cloris Leachman, Candace Bergen, Debi Mazar, Carrie Fisher and Bette freakin Midler? Oh it has Meg Ryan in it too but I liked it despite the fact that she’s in it. hahaha Eva Mendes is in it too….as the mistress/whore. She plays that part well. It is easy to want to watch her tumble down a flight of stairs but I digress. I don’t want to give anything away so …just watch it. It is a great movie. T even liked it.

Oh and guess what? New Line Cinema has commissioned a screenplay about…. Sean Avery. It is even listed at imdb.com and shows 2010 as the release year.

Who will be FIRST in line to see that? Moi. Oh yes, I will.

Avery has already gotten some experience with acting. He was in a movie about Rocket Richard. I have it at home. I had it and actually watched it BEFORE I knew Avery was in it so what a nice surprise that was to see him in it. Mike Ricci is in it too…but ummm he has a face made more for RADIO not so much film. Just sayin.

if you are easily offended, you may want to skip this one...

2008-12-30T13:36:00.003-06:00

but I gotta tell you, when I read this on www.dlisted.com I howled like a loon

http://www.dlisted.com/node/29959

And I'm not kidding about the offensive thing. It is sofa king funny but seriously, if you offend easily...I'd just skip it. Just trying to warn you so nobody is blind sided. :)

a few movie reviews cuz ...well, why not?

2008-12-30T10:42:00.002-06:00

(plus I have nothing else to do)

Mamma Mia - Pierce Brosnan should never ever sing. And when he and Meryl Streep sing together it sounds like a bag of dying cats. I had such high hopes for this film. The story is good but the singing is wretched. The casting was clearly done in a meeting where everyone was drunk or stoned or maybe both??? I dont know but wow... isnt a musical suppose to have people in it who can SING?! Just sayin.

Get Smart - I actually didn't want to see this but since T endured Mamma Mia for me, I watched Get Smart with him. It was not bad. In fact, it was entertaining. I'd sooner watch it again than MM. Seriously. I never watched the tv show as a kid so I really do not have anything to compare to but I liked it.

Tropic Thunder - OMG. Hilarious. Absurd. Offensive. Ridiculous. And funny as hell. Loved it.

Narnia...whatever...Prince Caspian or something - No idea. I chose to nap while TGC and T watched it. They seemed to like it though. Just typing the word "narnia" makes me yawn. :)

Indiana Jones (the new one with Shia LeBeouf ) - just saw the last 25 mins or so and that was enough. Aliens. Really??????

Burn After Reading - It is a Coen brothers movie so during the movie we were like "WTF??" but at the end we were like oh yeah, that was pretty good. And speaking of "WTF?" I think those are pretty much the only words John Malcovich says thru the entire film hahaha George Clooney is good in it. Brad Pitt is great in it and I'm not a huge BP fan, though I do like him WAY better than frickin Leo DiCaprio. Oy. That damn Titanic movie makes me want to break plates...but I digress. :)

Slapshot 3: The Junior League - Started it but havent been able to get through the whole thing yet. Yes, it is that bad.

Frankly, the best thing I've watched lately is season 1 of 30 Rock on DVD :) ...oh and the movie The Happening by M. Night Shamalammadingdong. GREAT movie. Freaky deaky but really good. There's another movie T and I watched a while ago that was really good. It was a thriller (love those!) and it was something I got from Netflix but I cant recall the name. Neither of us predicted the ending. I'll have to go try to find the name. I highly recommend it.

I'm just more of a non-mainstream/indie film person I guess. Although I will lose total movie cred when I admit that one of my fave movies EVER is Talladega Nights LOL And I don't even like NASCAR. That movie cracks me the hell up though.

"When I wake up in the morning I piss excellence" - genius. hahahhahaha

other part of my therapy homework that is due this week

2008-12-29T13:14:00.002-06:00

Almost two weeks ago we talked about self myths which as RDub explained are the stories we tell ourselves or the stories we hear others tell about us. The "others" can be our parents or other close people in our lives.

I am suppose to write out some of my self myths regarding relationships with my mother, father, my kids and T. Then I am suppose to write out my re-authored myths about each of these people. The re-authored myths are like the new & improved healthier ones.

Have I done this yet? Noooooope. It is due Wednesday. I had better get me arse in gear, eh?

I was also suppose to have the family eat at the table together. We did that and it wasnt a big deal. Obviously my reasoning that I previously stated in a post was way off. LMSKP emailed me about that post and I think her take on the situation is far better. I'm gonna discuss that one with RDub on Wednesday though.

a bunch of crap

2008-12-29T12:37:00.004-06:00

Do you make resolutions? I use to until I realized that I never followed through with them so I just stopped bothering to make the list.

I have been in such a rut from hell this year and I am in desperate need of change in just about every area of life except for a couple: I am happy with T and I am happy with my parenting. My kids are not perfect and I certainly am not a perfect parent but I can look myself in the eye every single day knowing that I do everything in my power to do what I feel is right for them...not to be popular with them or be their 'buddy' but to keep them safe and raise them right. It is not easy but the right thing is seldom the easy thing.

Back to T... I am happy with him but I need to work harder to be better at the whole 'wife' thing. I have really struggled lately because I don't feel well (emotionally/mentally). I feel pretty miserable actually but that is so incredibly hard to admit to ANYONE. And I especially don't want him of all people to think that he is contributing to it in any way. This therapy thing has not been pleasant. I still havent done the homework I was suppose to do. T knows I am suppose to talk to him about some stuff but I just cannot make the words come out. How pathetic is that??? Just sitting here typing this my eyes are tearing up and I feel that burning lump in my throat.

RDub was asking me something about did I realize that all the things we've talked about actually did happen to me. So I say yes and I think I was suppose to say the words "I have been hurt" or something of that nature and I spit it right out. The kicker? RDub then pulled the role playing card on me and asked me to tell him again but as if he were T. I could not do it. I started crying...not just sniffling a little, I mean like CRYING. I could not make the words come out. WTF?!

Soooooo guess what part of my homework is? I have to tell T about all of this. Just me telling him I wanted to talk to him about my therapy session was a MAJOR HUGE show of progress for me. I almost threw up. How the hell am I gonna do this? It scares the crap out of me. It is not a question of trust. Its...I dont know...I'm not sure how to articulate it.

I guess if someone I knew told me about this I would tell them it seems like an issue of fear....fear of vulnerability....fear of being abandoned (oh yeah like I need to be rocket scientist to figure that one out, eh?)...fear of being rejected...fear of allowing myself or anyone else to see weakness.... but I would never judge anyone else like this? Why do I judge myself on such obnoxiously rigid thing? I do not hold other people to such unrealistic standards. I am making myself MISERABLE.

There are so many changes I want to make to/for myself. I hate the idea of "new years resolutions" as I think they set people up to fail so I think I am just going to think about the changes I want to make in my life and list them by category and not put a timetable to them just yet. I will work on that and see what I come up with.

Is anyone else working on any resolutions or lists for things to do or change in the coming year?

Catch 22

2008-12-29T12:33:00.004-06:00

This would be the PERFECT job for me.... but there's one teency weency problemo. I am in desperate need of someone to make me over. Sooo I could easily do this for others and be damn good at it but I need someone to do it for me first so I could look semi decent and not like a scrub so people would hire me.

Darn it!

Fashion Consultant/Personal Shopper

Among those who care about their appearance, many are born with amazing taste; some have to work for it. Fashion designers and consultants help those who can afford personal attention to transform their image. You can be the one to consult on hair, makeup, and fashion--and then be the one to take your clients shopping. Get career training through an associate's or bachelor's degree program in fashion design. Top earners in the fashion design trades in 2007 took home $121,640 on average.

Hockey Hotties - Vesa Toskala

2008-12-23T11:04:00.004-06:00

Vesa Toskala - Goalie, Toronto Maple Leafs

:)

But dude, don't let me see THIS happen to your head again. mmmmkay? Just sayin.

Seriously...how frickin cute is he?! I knew he was adorable but he looks so young..now that I know he's 32, I can say he's HOT without feeling like a cradle robber hahahaha

kryptonite

2008-12-19T15:43:00.004-06:00

Therapist: You are familiar with Superman?
Me: Uhhh yeah, as much as anyone I guess.
Therapist: What is Superman afraid of?
Me: Kryptonite?
Therapist: Do you know what your kryptonite is?
Me: *head tilt* Uhhhh intimacy?
Therapist: *nod* yes and family. Family and intimacy are your kryptonite.
Me: Wow. Well that is a problem since it is what I want more than anything.

I gotta let this simmer a little more before I comment on it. At first I was like "holy shit! that is harsh!" but I need to stop and think about what I think it really means that I am afraid of family.

T has such a strong sense of family and I do not. I do not want to fight him and not realize it on things he does to try to reinforce the family environment at home -- like us eating together at the table. I am the one who says "no, I'm good right here" as I sit on the couch staring at the tv. Why? Cuz at the table we may have to talk to each other and I may have to open up.

WTF is my problem? What is that teaching TGC?? What kind of a wife/mother does that make me? Shit dude. I knew that I had expressed an aversion to doing the whole dinner at the table thing once or twice (or twelve) but until Wed I never really thought about WHY. Damn. Emotional midget doesnt even properly cover it.

Welcome To The Land O Confusion

2008-12-19T15:31:00.003-06:00

I was reduced to a whimper again during my therapy appt this week. I had a lot of stuff running thru my head when I left but I think I will have to break it into multiple posts so that I cover each one thoroughly.

We'll start with me telling RDub that I feel tired, anxious and nauseous most of the time and that I was starting to not like my shrinkie dink cuz of the very reason I actually liked him for a long time -- he lets ME drive what meds I am on/not on. I liked that for a long time b/c I read a lot of stuff about drugs, etc so I thought I had a pretty good handle on what might be good for me to take, etc but now I'm torn. I have been experiencing what I thought were depression issues but the more I think about it - as I explained to my therapist - the more I wonder if I'm really experiencing depression or if I'm just starting to feel actual FEELINGS/EMOTIONS like everyone else?? Also, shouldnt the DOCTOR be more of the person driving my meds rather than me? I can read all day every day but the bottom line is that I didnt go to medical school, he did.

This is really frustrating and confusing cuz 1) how do I know if I'm experiencing depression issues or if this is just a product (joy) of being in 'therapy'?? 2) therapy is helping me and I know this but man, why does it have to make me feel so crappy after the sessions. I mean, I dread going a lot of times because it takes me anywhere from 1 to 3-4 days to recover sometimes and then I just gotta go do it again.

I know this -- I am tired of feeling so fucking tired all the time....and emotional...and this is the first time I can remember ever going thru an emotional phase where I cannot control it. Does that mean I'm starting to be cognizant of the fact that I shut all emotions down and now I'm starting to actually feel emotions now OR is it just a gnarly bout of depression??? ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Turn The Page: 2008 Year In Review

2008-12-15T14:33:00.001-06:00

I just went back and read my year in review post from last year to remind me where I was in life a year ago this month and to help me with where I’ve been this year.

This year has been more stable on the job front as I transitioned from contract to perm in February. I am very thankful to have a good job, especially now with the economy the way it is and the uncertainty that has been looming for everyone over the last several months. Am I doing something that provides me a sense of fulfillment? No. Am I doing something that provides me the means to take care of my family? Yes. The second one sorta trumps the first one and I’ll just have to seek other paths to fulfillment. Funny thing about being an adult….it kinda sucks sometimes. I think dream jobs exist but I don’t think dream jobs that pay you decent exist but then again, it is all relative.

I think that will be my motto for 2009 – it’s all relative. I will explain that better later. If I went into it now, I’d totally derail from the topic at hand.

Boyzilla started High School this year. Each year he inches closer to adulthood, it scares me. What will adulthood hold for him? How will he make it? He is barely making it as a freshman in a small town school. Life does NOT get easier from this point forward. I worry myself sick over that child yet I know that we are pretty much at the point where there is only so much I can do when it comes to what choices he makes for himself – mentally ill or not. More often than not I feel like I am watching a speeding train fly down shaky tracks and I know that the train is going to derail, I just don’t know exactly when or how. It is not a good feeling. It is a rather shitty feeling actually and not being able to DO something or take some kind of action is what gives me that feeling in the pit of my stomach like I just swallowed a rock. I can’t even begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions associated with dealing with a child who is mentally ill. I have felt everything from anger to guilt to heartbreak to courage to hope ….all of those individually and all of those at once like an electrical storm attacking my brain. I’ve used my last $5 to take him to McDonalds so he can eat and play so many times I can’t even count when he was little. I’ve used my last bit of will and strength to fight for him and sometimes even fight HIM to make sure he’s getting what he needs. I will never stop doing that for him or TGC. It is my job. Nobody ever said being a mom was easy. And for all the stuff he’s pulled and times I have had to get him thru an ‘episode’ or even put him in the hospital despite him screaming “I hate you” – I know that I have done the right things for him and I have to accept that he may never understand them but I’m not here to get his approval, I’m here to protect him and take care of him. When he’s feeling good, he’s creative, funny and a total smartass!! (no idea where THAT comes from LOL) He’s a good kid and I wouldn’t change a thing. All of this has made us both who we are.

Ahhh TGC… my little goalie girl. She is growing so fast! She turned 10 this summer but most people think she’s at least 12 when they see her cuz she’s so dang tall. She’s dangerously close to 5’0” and can no longer wear little girls clothes…she’s wearing clothes out of the Juniors section now. HELLO? She’s TEN. She started the whole bra thing this year and OMG that like happened overnight. Seriously … just like outta the blue. T was damn near frantic LOL “OMG, did you…..uhhh… the girl needs to… ummmm….” --- I knew what he was trying to spit out but I wanted to hear him stutter a bit. Finally he just spit out “what the hell happened to her?!” hahahahahahahahaha As if by her playing hockey or him just willing it not to happen, it would cancel out the fact that she was still going to do all that fun girl stuff – like uhh grow in places that when mentioned makes T and Inspector Gadget tap their heads like tards. And let’s not forget her stellar performance this summer while up in Northern Wisconsin for goalie camp with T where she told him she started her period and he and his buddy froze like statues and just stared at her like “OMG dude!” She earned $40 off me for that one cuz she got them both! Good times. She hasn’t started all that nonsense yet (thank God!) but I’m sure we aren’t too far away. I am worried about her. She’s a great kid…never gets into trouble (well, hardly ever)..but this year I have seen her starting to internalize a LOT. Frankly, part of the reason I started seeing a therapist again was to learn how to feel emotions and talk about them like most normal people do so that I can make sure I am teaching her to do it. It is one thing to tell her to do it but I have to lead by example and I wasn’t doing that so when I saw her starting to internalize all her feelings, I kinda freaked a little. I want better for her. I do not want her to make some of the HUGE mistakes I have made that I believe could have been mitigated if not avoided all together by better parenting, etc. I cannot change my past but I can absolutely make sure that my daughter does not lack the things I did that drove me to making some of the choices I made. I realize that I’m an emotional midget and even though I joke about it, it is pretty miserable. I want better for her and will do everything in my power to lay the groundwork for her to have a better life. She’s had to endure so much already in her mere 10 years between the stuff with her brother and Inspector Gadget and I getting a divorce – even though our divorce was very amicable and we get along very well, it still takes a toll on kids. I am very much aware of that and know that she had to go thru the divorce the same as me though from a child’s perspective. She’s a magical paradox for me…. She’s a tough kid but she’s also incredibly fragile and when anyone gets too close to doing any damage to the fragile part, I turn into a rabid dog very quickly. I think that is why hockey season has been so hard for me this fall with all the idiots and their trash talking. It is abhorrent behavior to treat kids that way but when it is MY child, it makes my blood boil. Anyway…enough of that stuff. Back to TGC … she got to be a Dallas Stars stick kid back in February – very cool! She’s been able to ‘chat up’ Turco a few times this year which has been pretty cool too. Hell, she’s seen Turco and Ott so many times I could swear they are starting to recognize her. LOL Oh and she got to see Sean Avery before they booted him. Clearly, I was more giddy about that but still, she got to see and talk to him too. She also made it on the cover of a local amateur hockey magazine this year! WOO HOO! Last but not least…. She’s starting to have crushes on boys other than Joe Jonas! Oh boy… the teenage years should be REAL freakin fun, eh? LOL

Hmm….who else could I talk about in my year in review??? Ooooooh yeah I know, there’s this guy I know and he and I kinda got married last month. Maybe I should talk about him a little, eh? God bless T cuz I know it is not easy living with me but he’s managed to do it for a while now and yet he still asked me to marry him. I’m pretty sure that makes him crazier than me. We have known each other since 2005. We have done the whole off-n-on dating thing since we met. We’ve been through a LOT of crap together – me doing stupid stuff, him doing stupid stuff, his mother’s death, my grandmother’s death (within 3 weeks of each other!), him moving back to WI, me having to temporarily move to GA… seriously, it is almost like we got a whole bunch of gnarly shit out of the way on the front end of the relationship. Despite the times we were “off”, we never stopped talking to each other. Despite the times I was so mad at him I wanted to punch him in the head, I never stopped loving him. Despite anything and everything, I never once stopped wanting him to be happy. I truly never wanted to get married again. He said he never wanted to get married again. And what did we do? We got married. What changed? We talked about that and I may blog that another day but one of the good things that has come out of 2008 is being Mrs. T. I had a lot of soul searching that had to be done before I could’ve done it and thankfully I was able to put quite a dent in it in therapy. I still have a long way to go but when it comes to the paralyzing fear of repeating the mistakes I’ve made in the past, I finally have a good handle on it or at the very least understand why I was doing what I was doing. Yes, I still fear abandonment but I can’t fear it so much that it controls me. He is good for me and I am good for him. Our team kicks ass!

I haven’t spoken to my father since February 18th. I don’t plan to change that and up until yesterday, it did not bother me at all. Honestly, it didn’t. Yesterday, the kids went over to my father and step-mother’s house for their Christmas gathering. My malfunction is with my father and has nothing to do with my kids so I’m not going to use my children as weapons and keep them from their grandparents so the kids go see them, etc… Anyway – I have not spent one holiday there this year and really haven’t thought much about it but yesterday bothered me. I wish I could tell you that I dropped the kids off and picked them up and it was just like any other time…but that would be a lie. My step-mother sent gifts for me and T as well as a cheesecake. (I freakin love cheesecake) I have also told her that my problem is not with her at all, it is with him and he knows exactly why. He likely would not admit it now or ever but he knows. I will not engage in unnecessary drama nor did I feel it was appropriate to go into dirty details with her so I simply told her that 20 years of his crap was long enough and I didn’t wish to take any more of it and I haven’t. I’m sure he claims that he has no idea what I’m talking about or that I’m just crazy, whatever. I think what really bothers me the most is that I allow him to disappoint me after all this time. Part of me somewhere down deep…very freakin deep apparently… wants him to make some show of effort to at least ask me why I don’t talk to him or what could he do to fix it or maybe at least an I’m sorry??? Again, this hadn’t bothered me until yesterday. WTF is it about freakin Christmas that makes people go all goofy? Soooo yes, it bothered me and yes I was ONCE AGAIN disappointed by him. However, I feel like the biggest jackass on the planet by even allowing myself to be disappointed by him. When has he EVER put forth effort on ANYTHING??? He hasn’t and he won’t. I know this. This is not a difficult concept to grasp. He has more than proven time and time again that I hold no value for him and I gotta suck it up and accept it. I am seriously pissed off that I cried like a fool over this crap. It just needs to go away. (yeeaaaah you remember that part above where I said that I wanted TGC to not be an emotional midget like I am? This is pretty much what I’m talking about…yikes…guess what we’ll be addressing this week in therapy if RDub sees this?! Crap.)

I have been in a real funk lately and have been fighting the urge to withdraw. I restricted myself on posting about hockey b/c that is all I was posting about b/c if I posted about hockey then I didn’t have to post about ME. That is not why I started this blog. I’m trying to get back to blogging about the things I need to get out and this is the only way I can seem to do it. Which brings me to this…

I have made a lot of great blog buddies through writing this blog and/or reading other blogs. I want to thank each and every one of you that read the crap I post here whether you comment or not. Of course, I love comments as much as the next person and genuinely appreciate all the support, encouragement and advice you have given me this year. There have been times that your support has meant more than I can tell you. I hope we all find great things waiting for us in 2009!

Happy Holidays!
-UB

tardo tuesday

2008-12-09T11:25:00.002-06:00

Ahh another day hiding in my office. I have the worst sinus headache I’ve had in a long time. I’ve had it for 2 days. My nose is actually throbbing and my sinuses are on fire and my freakin ears are ringing so obnoxiously loud that it is making me sick to my stomach. I can barely think much less try to concentrate. I have two meetings today that I have to actually seem semi-coherent so I cant buzz myself up on allergy meds…not that it matters cuz they don’t seem to be working anyway.

My stress level is through the roof and not over anything monumental…just the same ole crap – Boyzilla is failing 3 of classes again, TGC’s hockey thing is less than a pleasant experience this season which is slowly killing my love of hockey not to mention having to endure all the trash talk about MY CHILD and I’m crazy. Honestly, it is that last part that is totally kicking my ass.

This time of year has always been the worst time for me and when the crazies get really bad… more cycling… harder hitting depression… it sucks but I’ve had such bad experiences with all those wacky SSRI and “new” anti-depressants that I won’t go near them. So I just sit and try to ride the bucking bronco of wackiness? Yeah, I guess so. But isn’t that pretty much miserable? Why yes, yes it is. Are you talking to yourself in your blog ya freakin nutjob? Ummm yeah, I think I am.

This headache is so bad it had better be a freakin aneurysm. *sob*

Useful AND cool info from WebMD just in time for all those holiday parties....

2008-12-08T15:44:00.004-06:00

MYTH: Wine is the Gentlest Choice
FACT: Red wine contains tannins, compounds that are known to trigger headaches in some people. Malt liquors, like whisky, also tend to produce more severe hangovers. If you’re worried about how you’ll feel in the morning, the gentlest choices are beer and clear liquors, such as vodka and gin.

(I knew vodka was my friend for a reason... and patron silver is clear too...coincidence? I think not!)

MYTH: Hangovers Are Gender-Blind
FACT: Use caution when enjoying those free drinks on Ladies’ Night. Given the same drinks, women are more likely to be slammed with the effects of alcohol than men. Scientists say there’s good reason for this. Men have a higher percentage of water in their bodies, which helps dilute the alcohol they consume. When women drink the same amount, more alcohol builds up in the bloodstream.

(Reason to spike their drinks? Have one now...thanks Web MD! LOL)

MYTH: Diet Cocktails Are a Safe Bet
FACT: Diet drinks may help if you’re counting calories, but not if you’re trying to avoid a hangover. Research suggests that consumption of fruits, fruit juices, or other sugar-containing liquids can decrease hangover intensity.

(Three words here, my friends: trash can punch! It has fruit in it, ya know!)

MYTH: Liquor Before Beer, Never Fear
FACT: It’s the amount of alcohol you consume – not the order of your drinks – that matters. That said, the order of your drinks may affect how much you consume. If you have a cosmopolitan, and then switch to beer for the rest of the night, you slow down your intake of alcohol. If you switch from beer to shots, you accelerate your path to drunkenness. Of course, too much liquor can spell “sicker” regardless of whether you began with beer.

(Hmmm so they are saying just do the shots first, yeah? hehehe See, I told you it was useful.)

MYTH: Eat Pasta Before Bed
FACT: This one is wrong on two counts. First, eating at bedtime (after you’re already drunk) is no help. Food has to be in your stomach before Happy Hour to have any impact. Second, while any food can slow the body’s absorption of alcohol, fat does it best. So go for steak or pizza before your first martini, and you might escape a hangover. One bedtime tip that does help – drink water to fight dehydration.

(I don't see anything about IHOP or Waffle House in here??? WTF???)

MYTH: Pop Pain Pills Before Bed
FACT: Over-the-counter painkillers peak in about four hours, so the effect of a bedtime dose will be gone by morning. A better plan is to take the pills when you first wake up. Avoid taking acetaminophen after a night of drinking. Alcohol disrupts how the liver processes acetaminophen, possibly leading to liver inflammation and permanent damage.

(I would not think pain pills and booze mix but far be it from me to show common sense. Ahhhh so it is the acetaminophen doing the liver damage? Who knew?)

MYTH: A Wake-Up Cocktail is the Cure
FACT: More alcohol in the morning does nothing but postpone a hangover. The worst symptoms hit when blood-alcohol levels drop to zero. If you have a screwdriver at breakfast, this moment will just come later in the day. And if you find you can’t function without a wake-up cocktail, you should discuss the possibility of addiction with your doctor.

(Crikey...a "wake-up cocktail"??? Yeah methinks that MIGHT be a problemo. Just sayin.)

MYTH: Coffee is the Cure
FACT: Coffee leads to more dehydration and could make your hangover worse. After a night of drunkenness, it’s best to avoid anything with caffeine. Instead, sip water and sports drinks to counter dehydration and replace lost electrolytes. This is especially important if you experienced any vomiting.

(Just say no to Starbucks after a night o boozin!)

source: http://www.webmd.com/balance/slideshow-hangover-myths?ecd=wnl_din_120808

freakin hilarious.

2008-12-04T16:32:00.003-06:00

(source: http://nhlol.blogspot.com)