plans

I have a plan.  Actually, I have a few plans right now.  I have a biz plan, a life plan, a fitness plan, a better parent plan and even a please God let me find a decent guy plan.  When I think about all these plans, I have to stop to think about all the plans I've made over the last couple o decades… did I execute them?  Were they even good? 

 

I dunno… I think what I'm trying to get out here is that we can plan, plan, plan but life does not always follow and sometimes that it is a good thing.  I did not plan to have 2 kids, but I wouldn't take anything for them.  I did not plan to be a repeat offender when it comes to divorce but I have grown and learned a whole lot from it.  I did not plan to be a stone's throw away from 40 before I figured out what I really want and/or need in another person but so be it…and now that I have it figured out, I do not want to settle.  I may never find it but I have done too much settling and it led to disaster each and every time. 

 

I did not plan to not have finished my undergrad degree at this age; however, I have a good job and do pretty well for myself & kids.  Actions and choices really put you where you are, at least that is true for me. 

 

I want to improve and grow as a person… I want to be happy, healthy and positive.  I want my kids to remember their childhood in a mostly positive light.  Nobody is perfect and I know I've made mistakes but I've tried really hard to provide a better life for them than what I had growing up.  I hope my kids end up with better lives for their kids than I provided them…isn't that the hope of most parents? 

 

Did I plan to be HERE in my late 30s?  Nope, but the key is that I'm ok with where I am and who I am and that took a very long time.  I will continue to move along life's path and plan what I can but ultimately I have to DO.  I can do.  I will do. 

 

Most of the time when I blog, I am anxious or stressed or feeling crappy about stuff and toss out a lot of negative … I guess today I wanted to try to give myself some kudos…although I did not exactly go about it in a very direct way. 

 

Life is short.  Embrace your awesome. 

Excellent start to the week... had to call 911 this morning cuz I had a hella bad anx attack- couldnt breathe & chest hurt sooo bad. Was scary but all ok now.

I will be coming to a crossroad in a few days. I'm testing a situation where I feel I've been underappreciated. Am I prepared for the answer? Gotta be.

Tuesday Tirade

Lots of stuff runnin thru me brain so I'm just gonna type & post.  Put on your helmets. 

 

There are a few times of year I really enjoy – NHL Trade Deadline Day in Feb/March, NHL Playoffs (better of course when the Stars make it but they showed forward motion so I'm good), July 1^st free-for-all for UFAs, Fall and Spring.  Hmmm…most of that was hockey related, trust me it speaks volumes about the utter lack of social life I have but that is another post for another day perhaps.  I like Spring because the weather is great – not too hot & not too cold, flowers are blooming and it just feels like new to me…like a time for changes or whatever.  I guess we have the term 'Spring Cleaning' for a reason, huh?  My bday is in the Spring which almost always brings out reflections about life, family, friends, etc.  I have been kinda blah and feelin sorry for myself because I have no plans for my bday.  I will probably be at home by myself like most of the recent bdays I've had….then I realized something – if I went back to one year ago this week, would I rather be there or here?  Without hesitation I can tell you the answer is HERE.  Realizing this makes me feel better.  Last year my life was absolutely miserable and now I am happier and in a better place physically & mentally.  While it seemed like quite a sucker punch at the time (T bailing), it is yet another example of everything happening for a reason and working out well….for this I am truly thankful. 

 

Another thing that I am happy about it is that I have been able to make a few new friends, catch up with a couple of old friends and keep growing the friendships I already had.  I'm not always the most social person ever so while I want to be spending time with friends, it does not always happen.  The last few days I've been in a real funk… I want the comfort of my friends but I never quite know how to reach out for it.  I've always had that problem and it has caused me to feel isolated to the point of where its crushing. I have a good group of friends, I know they'd help me if I needed it…I simply hit the wall when it comes to letting them know I need them. 

 

Speaking of old friends, I genuinely had FUN a few weeks ago when I got to see a pal I haven't talked to or seen in almost 20 years.  There were no kids, no hockey parents and no drama.  Life is short, I need to have more "fun". 

 

TGC's hockey season is finally over.  I am relieved.  It was stressful and kept me so busy I barely had any time for anything else from August to April 1^st.  That is a long damn time to be chained to anything….I hope she appreciates it when she's older haha  I have not had the heart to tell her yet that she likely played her last game with the org she played for this past season.  She ages up and I fear that it is simply outside my means.  She never asks for anything but to play for this organization and I feel pretty fkn crappy that I will likely not be able to do that for her. 

 

I'm tired of always being the one who makes the effort -  I know that seems random but it means something to me.  I may expand on it later or I may just let it sit there for a while.  Felt good to just put it there though. 

 

Ahhh and just like every good crazy, the little black rain cloud has turned into a combination of sarcasm & disdain.  In other words, I feel like me again hahhahahaha 

actions > words. Discuss.

Its been a while, blog. Life is a lil less chaotic now, thankfully. I have a bday comin up so I'm feeln a lil of the "another year & what have I done". More ltr

tuesday

giddy giddy giddy giddy

 

had a great trip to CA, saw a pal I havent seen in YEARS, TGC got to meet her hero, I got to chat up my fave Stars goalie cuz they stayed at the same hotel Sat night (woohoo) and someone was geniunely happy to see me when I got back :)  I am honestly not use to that but wow was it cool :)  things going very very slow there... but that is good, very good... for everyone.