It’s a car, it’s a train…..no, it’s a post!

It has been a while since I have posted.  Time flies, eh? 

 

What has happened since my last post?  I guess I'll start with the obvious – we had a rather big celebrity death  '3 ring' (they come in 3s you know) with Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson all dying in one week.  I feel kinda bad for Farrah Fawcett's family because she got like 5 mins of media attention and then the entire planet turned to the Michael Jackson stuff. 

 

I had such mixed feelings about Michael Jackson dying over the weekend.  I was actually a little shocked at some of the feelings I had about it.  The adult part of me has seen him morph into a freakish barely recognizable man that is about as far away from the guy who made 'Thriller' as you could get and while I abhor the things he was accused of doing several years ago, nobody but him and God will ever know for sure if he was guilty or not.  Would I have let my children "hang out" with him?  No. And that "no" comes without hesitation but I also feel like he was a really broken and lost person.  That is no excuse to do the things he was accused of doing – do not get me wrong – but I have to wonder how someone like Michael Jackson goes from being the King of Pop to being …well, what he turned into.  So for me, there was the Michael Jackson I know as an adult and the Michael Jackson that the 9-10yo me remembers seeing on TV doing the moonwalk, dancing in his 'Thriller' video… the revolutionary Michael Jackson.  I remember watching whatever show he was on and seeing him do the moonwalk and it was so cool….it was like magic.   And when his 'Thriller' video premiered, I was glued to the TV… I had to beg my mother to let me watch MTV so I could watch it.  It was the coolest thing I had ever seen.  Our parents had Elvis.  The Gen X'ers have Michael Jackson and Madonna.  I get confused about what the hell the generations are called that come after Gen X so… I don't know what they'll have?  Justin Timberlake?  Britney Spears (good lord, surely there's more to choose from than Britney Spears??)  Maybe it is just too early to label any "icons" for the post-Gen Xers yet… yeah, I'll go with that one.  At any rate, an icon of my generation is dead – at a mere 50yo.  I use to think 50 was ANCIENT but now at 36, it is not so ancient anymore.  Madonna is 50.  It is sad when there's a loss of human life… but when it is someone that you grew up listening to, watching and was part of your childhood it is sad.  It is another reminder that you are, indeed, not so young anymore and kinda like having to throw out another worn out stuffed toy or that tattered n torn but comfy blanket.  Maybe its just me that feels that way?? I don't know but it just made kinda sad. 

 

VH1 Classic played MJ videos all weekend so The Girl Child and I watched like 2.5 hours worth on Saturday.  TGC only knows of Michael Jackson as some pervo freak cuz all the stuff that showcased his talent was WAY before her time.  I wanted her to see why people liked him so much and that he did actually have amazing talent.  I figured she'd just think most of his stuff was lame compared to what kids are use to seeing and/or hearing today but she actually loved the 'Thriller' and 'Smooth Criminal' videos.  I explained to her how influential he has been to people like Justin Timberlake, Usher, Kanye West, etc… they got those moves from somewhere and that somewhere is Michael Jackson. 

 

Ok… so there's my take on the Michael Jackson thing.  Everyone else on the planet has likely tossed in their opinion, memories or whatever so there's mine.  I'll likely toss out another post later about how irresponsible doctors should go to jail for prescribing too many controlled substances and how celebs need to be way more careful about abusing prescription drugs b/c they can kill you too – just ask Heath Ledger's family…. but I'll save that for another day. 

 

TGC spent her first night ever in a hospital last week.  Yep… as if my life was not enough of a circus, TGC managed to concuss herself and get an exciting one night's stay at a local children's hospital.  Yay!  I was scared to death.  She still cannot walk without help and tomorrow will be one week that she hit her head. 

 

I have two unhappy people at home now who cant go anywhere or do anything.  Aint life grand? 

2 years!

As of yesterday, The Unstable Blogger has been terrorizing the blogosphere for 2 years!!  I have stayed with it even when I didnt feel like and didnt want to....but I am glad I have.  It has been very therapeutic and I have made some GREAT friends doing this. 

 

It has been a far more amazing experience than I could have ever hoped for and I want to thank each and every person who has stopped by to read whether you have commented or not.... even the wacky Red Wings fan last year hahaha  :)  

 

A very special thanks to those of you who regularly stop by to read and comment.  I know I'm a wacky one but you people have stuck with me and offered comfort through advice, jokes and simple "thinking of you" comments.  I truly appreciate it.  I have the best blog buds EVER. 

 

Ahh and I have a new theme song... well its my new favorite song (for now anyway lol).  It is 'Lifeline' by Papa Roach.  When you hear it on the radio or where ever you listen to music... think of your buddy Unstable and know that I may get kicked a few times but I will never stay down! 

 

Lifeline lyrics
Songwriters: Esperance, Tobin Joesph; Horton, Jerry; Michael, James; Shaddix, Jacoby Dakota;

When I was a boy I didn't care 'bout a thing
It was me and this world and a broken dream
I was blaming myself for all that was going wrong

I was way out there on the wrong side of town
And the ones that I loved I started pushing 'em out
Then I realized that it was all my fault

I've been looking for a lifeline
For what seems like a lifetime
I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

So I put out my hand and I asked for some help
We tore down the walls I built around myself
I was struck by the light and I fell to the ground

I've been looking for a lifeline
For what seems like a lifetime
I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

Is there anybody out there?
Can you pull me from this ocean of despair?
I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

You know a heart of gold won't take you all the way
And in a world so cold it's hard to keep the faith
I'm never gonna fade away, yeah

I've been looking for a lifeline
For what seems like a lifetime
I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

Is there anybody out there?
Can you pull me from this ocean of despair?
I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

adam lambert

Yes, I am actually posting about Adam Lambert.  Why?  Because I'm supremely annoyed at all this absurd crap floating around about his sexual orientation.

 

Why are people making such a big freakin deal about Adam Lambert's sexual orientation and when he'll "come out"? If you like Adam Lambert then like him because he has phenomenal freakin talent and/or you like his style, his voice, whatever but who he loves, dates and/or has sex with is his business and why do you care? Does it impact YOU? No, it does not.

 

If you did/did not already like him, will it truly make a difference for you to hear him spell it out for you? If so, shame on you and consider yourself banished from my blog forever.  And no, I am not kidding.  Shoo!

 

Yes, I realize that by him doing the American Idol thing he has placed himself in the public eye and now "society" feels every minute detail of his life should be public record.  What I find incredibly fascinating is that Perez Hilton, of all people, is giving Lambert such grief about "coming out".  Perez Hilton – that is his 'fame name' btw not his actual name – is an openly gay male.  I think it is great that ole Mario (aka Perez) is comfortable enough with himself and his situation to be open but I would think that of all people, a gay man would be understanding of the fact that a public proclamation of one's sexual orientation has to be done on their terms, not someone else's.   However, maybe Perez is a bad example considering how he makes his living… and I do love me some Perez Hilton but I am quite disenchanted with his constant nagging of Lambert to "come out".  Perhaps Melissa Etheridge (love her!) is a better example here.  Her close friends and family knew she was "out" way before she made any public proclamation and she has addressed the issue in interviews (read her first book, she talks about this plus it is a GREAT book!).  It was something that SHE had to be ready to do and on HER terms…not her record company or publicist or whatever. 

 

Did it occur to anyone that Adam Lambert is trying to not make a huge deal out of it so that other people won't either because it is actually NOT a big deal?!?  He hardly seems like the type to be ashamed of who he is or uncomfortable with showing all different sides of himself.  Maybe…and I'm going out on a limb here… maybe he simply does not want to have people trying to label everything he does.  Gosh, wouldn't that be nice? 

 

Like him or don't like him… but make up your own mind based on genuine reasons not narrow-minded ignorance.  Personally, I am glad he did not win American Idol.  I'm a huge fan of Adam's and have been since almost the beginning of the season.  Why would I say I'm glad he did not win???  So he won't have to record that shiteous single that Kris Allen will be forced to record and release.  Adam did not need to win American Idol to go on and have a huge career if he wants to do so.  In fact, I'd argue that it would have actually done him more harm than good if he won whereas with Kris Allen I do not think that is true.  That is by no means a slam on Kris Allen, I actually like him too and was happy he won.  He's simply more mainstream (adult contemporary/pop) and I think by winning it will just help him get his career going.  Had Adam won, it would have limited his creative control when he goes to make his own CD.  If you watched the show at all you know that he is best when he can do his own thing. 

 

And… what was the best thing that happened to Chris Daughtry?  NOT winning American Idol.  He has said it himself. 

 

I'm just really annoyed by people saying that Adam got or lost votes simply because he's gay AND I'm equally annoyed by people nagging him to "come out".   Shut up already… it is not your business and again, if it actually makes a difference to you if he is a gay or not then that is YOUR problem, not his. 

 

I heart you, Adam Lambert!!  You don't owe anyone in the media or anyone outside your personal VIP list (friends/family) an explanation about anything!  You do your thing and those who love your thing (heh heh heh I said "thing") will keep on loving it!   Those who don't?  So what?  Ya can't please everyone. 

strengths

Another one of my therapy "assignments" is to list my strengths.  I hate doing this kind of stuff and today is not a good day for me to do it – which is exactly why I'm doing it.   I don't feel strong.  I feel unappreciated, isolated and disappointed.  Pretty strong, huh? 

 

But I do think I have some strengths that I can list despite everything going on right now with kids, the emotional roller coaster from hell and life in general…..

 

1)     I am responsible

2)     I am a good parent

3)     I am a good friend

4)     I am fiercely loyal (this gets me in trouble sometimes)

5)     I try to always be considerate of other people's feelings before I speak or act.  Some things cannot be unsaid/undone. 

6)     I am honest even when it is hard to say what needs to be said

7)     My family relies on me to keep things afloat financially and I have always been able to do whatever it took to keep myself going and not have them suffer because of any issue I may have….and there are days when that is incredibly difficult. 

8)     I am a good problem solver. 

9)     I am a survivor.

10)  I do not give up. 

How Does That Make You Feel??

One of my two assignments from therapy today is to constantly ask myself "how does that make you(me) feel?"
and answer myself - perhaps not out loud - with 'feeling words'.  He wants literal mental conversations, so to speak,
that include things like...  I feel XXX because of XXX. 

Ok. No time like the present, right? 

When Boyzilla refuses to do schoolwork, I feel frustrated and angry. 
When I think about Boyzilla's future, I feel fearful.
When I try to make the connection between myself and "trauma", I feel physically ill and defensive.
When I perceive that my feelings are being discounted by anyone close to me, it makes me feel isolated and triggers
a very real and all too familiar feeling of emotional abandonment. 
When I try to be open and honest about feelings, it makes me feel anxious - however, I am proud of how far I've come.
When I see The Girl Child start to mimic some of my behaviors when it comes to burying feelings, etc. I feel a sense
of panic because I do not want her to end up like me. 
When I think about the situation with the kids, I feel conflicted, angry and hurt because I feel I had to make a choice
between them and that is a feeling I would not wish upon ANYONE. Rationally, I understand that the situation is set
up in a way that is best for both of them but understanding something rationally and the emotions that get stirred up
are very different. 
When I let down my wall and lay all my emotional cards on the table and trust a person, it scares me.  I fear the more I
trust them, the worse the hurt will be later. 
When I think about my mother dying, I feel overwhelmed.  I do not feel I've even had the time to process the event
at all.  I am trying to avoid the whole "delayed reaction" thing but I cant force the process either.  (btw, today
is one month that she died)
When I think about therapy, I feel glad that I am doing it and proud that I've stuck with it but not particularly
feeling any sense of "joy" from it...but maybe "joy" isnt the point?  Maybe I'm not suppose to get the exact point
yet or I'm just over thinking it. 

Ok... so there we go.  I'm done for now.

well, whaddya know??

Saw therapist today…discussed mainly the kids….until the end when we turned to me.  I have the assignment to take 15 mins per day and sit in a chair in a quiet place – obviously it will not be at my house – and do 15 one minute breathing exercises.  The goal is to be aware of my breathing, focus on my body response, etc.  Last time I saw him he told me I had never learned how to relax.  Not exactly a shocker there… 

 

Here's the kicker for today's session…  I asked if he had spoken with the new shrink. He had.  He gave me a heads up that she will likely want to revisit diagnosis.  Ok.  Neither of them are quite sold on the bipolar thing…. He thinks my …and I cannot recall the exact wording but basically issues/symptoms is in the ballpark so I'll go with that… can be explained through other "phenomena". 

 

Um, ok.  Session done.  I pay… he has to go too…has a personal appointment. 

 

I'm in the car now… WAIT.  WHAT?!  Not bipolar?  "other phenomena" ???  WTF does that mean?  Generalized craziness?  Is bitchy a medical condition now and I was unaware of this? 

 

My son is acting a fool at school today and is refusing to do any work even after being given one final chance to pull himself out of the hole he dug himself and actually get promoted to 10^th grade.  Nope, fate is sealed now… 9^th again next year!  Can't make him care. My daughter has a phantom foot injury likely because her stress/anxiety level is too high.  Oh and because her anxiety feeds off mine.  Well, fuck me running. 

 

Oh and I have a sneaky suspicion that PTSD is gonna come flying at me pretty soon.  No, no, no, no, no, no.  People who have had REAL trauma have PTSD – people who have been through war, horrific events like rape…. Stuff like that.  THAT is trauma.  My father is a pathological liar and my mother was a narcissist and my sister is a bitch.  Everyone has family issues and I do not see how that constitutes PTSD.  No.  Sure, I feel like my head is gonna crack open and my brain is gonna fall out on the ground due to stress….but this too shall pass, right?  RIGHT.  

 

Ok so fine…if I am not bipolar, what exactly is it that causes – and has caused – me sofa king much havoc over the past 20something years?  Hmmmm?  Severe anxiety – yes.  Can anxiety screw you up in a way that mimics bipolar disorder?  I dunno, maybe I should research that one.  Toss ADD on top of the anxiety and maybe it can.  I'm no doctor.  I use to think I had a pretty good handle on all this psych crap.  Now?  I don't know shit….about anything. 

 

Well hell, I've thought for years that Boyzilla's diagnosis was wrong so why not mine too?  Whaddya know?

roller coaster from hell.

I have to figure this out….my ability to function is taking a hit and I'm having to seriously fight the urge to withdraw and talk to no one.  I cannot do that… but I also cant seem to find the words to express what it is I feel.  I feel nothing and I feel everything.  At least when I feel nothing I can function but when I feel everything, it is like a sucker punch and I will start to cry and I cant stop it.  I've almost always been able to stop it before… but I cant stop it now.  Maybe that is a good thing that I cant stop it and/or maybe I'm not suppose to stop it?  I'm just not use to spontaneous outbursts of crying that I could not contain until I got to a more appropriate place…you know like when I shower in the morning or at night when everyone else is asleep.  I do not want to cry at work or in a public place.  I do not particularly care for that part of this whole "timely processing of one's feelings" but it does not seem like I have much I can do about it right now….and it is really pissing me off.  Actually no, it is not pissing me off.  I do not have the energy to be pissed off..not over this. 

 

Since the beginning of March, T has had neck surgery that ..long story short… has left us finding out that it is going to take 9-12 months to find out how much he'll recover.  We saw a pain mgmt doc yesterday and T had such severe stenosis in his neck that he, of course, had to have surgery….which he did… and he also has massive nerve pains that'd I'd explain here but basically it all boils down to the fact that he's suffered from chronic injury to his spinal cord and we have to wait and see.  I mean, on one hand it is good to at least know what it is that is going on with his body but it doesn't take away the fact that he's in major pain all the time and it is gonna take 9-12 months to know if it will ever go away?  Are you freakin kidding me?!  He's an active guy…always doing stuff around the house and going here and there… and crikey, he was even playing adult league hockey up until late last year plus coaching.  He cant even skate for probably a year and there's a chance he'll never skate again.  He knows he cant play again and that was tough enough but the hope he held on to was getting to, at least, coach the kids…and now that is gone too.  I'm actually a relatively positive person and I want to support him the best I can…always!!  Sometimes I'm at a loss on how to do that… I cant say I can relate cuz I cant.  I cant say I know how he feels cuz I don't.  I feel he's got so much going on just trying to deal with all of this, it would be selfish of me to pour out all my emotional pain on him right now.  He tells me that is not true and we are a team and I know he means it but I cant help it… I feel like his problems are way bigger than mine and how could I bother him with my "emotional pain" when he's in actual REAL physical pain like this? It is just how I feel. I want to be strong and there when he needs me and he probably feels the same about me… gawd, what a cluster.  I want to help him but I do not want to make him feel like he cant do anything.  I want to help him but I don't want to have to be the one to remind him that he cant do the stuff he use to do without having to pay for it big time later.  Maybe I am just over-thinking all of this… maybe I worry too much.  I just hate seeing him in pain.  I hate knowing he's in pain.  I hate knowing that he feels trapped and miserable and frustrated and depressed…. And I do not know how to make it better or fix it or even give him believable hope some days.  It doesn't feel like I'm doing enough.  Lately I know I haven't been doing enough because I have been a complete mental wreck. 

 

As if T's stuff isn't enough for one family to deal with, we've lost 2 pets – TGC's dog and T's mom's cat.  The cat got out somehow and we looked for her and looked for her and the ppl behind us who have a farm thought they saw her a couple of times …that turned up nothing…so after a few let downs, T finally got a call that she had been hit by a car and was on the side of the road.  She'd been picked up before he could get there.  He took this really hard because that was his mom's cat.  He and his mom were really close and now… the cat has passed on too.  (His mom died in Dec 2006 of cancer)  Emotions were already running high…he's in pain… he feels HE lost the cat (he didn't, these things happen but you cant negate a person's feelings… perception is truth for all of us) and all of this happened during the 7 days that my mother got sick and eventually passed away. 

 

I have been on the most fucked up emotional roller coaster from hell and I want off.  I not only want off but I want to set it on fire and then chop it up into tiny pieces so there's nothing left of the stupid thing because it is kicking my ass. 

 

For a person that has never learned how to properly process feelings, this is like a massive short circuit… no, its like being hit with a stun gun (or so I'd imagine) repeatedly.  Last time I saw my therapist he told me I never learned how to relax and that was part of my sleep problem.  Well… I've slept lately… I've actually slept too much – never thought I'd say THAT any time soon..at least not without mentioning heavy narcotics in the same sentence.  My brain is just shutting down because it cannot handle the ridiculous spikes in emotion. 

 

Thank God x100 that I started therapy last year so that I'm not rocking back n forth tapping my head in some psych ward right now because I'm telling you….this has been dangerously close to the kind of pressure/anxiety/emotional overload that took me down a few years ago.  Of course some poor med choices by the shrink I saw at the time contributed to that but me holding everything in all the time for YEARS did too.  I won't lie and say that it was 100% medication interactions that caused me to get tossed into Chez Crazy… it was a solid 50% but the other 50% was all me and my absolute lack of coping skills.  Well, not exactly lack of coping skills….just not the RIGHT/healthiest coping skills.  I had mad coping skills…they got me through a LOT of bullshit but the price I paid to just "get through" was pretty freakin high.  We'll tackle that one another day though. 

 

Back to the "thank God for therapy" … had all this stuff with my mother dying happened a year ago before I started going to therapy, things would have been very different at her wake & funeral and I think I'd be feeling very different right now.  As I mentioned, LMSKP went with me and the kids down to attend the wake & service for my mother.  T couldn't make the trip..he wanted to sooo bad but he simply cannot ride in a car that long and I understand that plus I told him I'd need him more when I got home – which is true!   Anyway… it was LMSKP who actually brought to my attention the "thank God you see RDub" (RDub = therapist)  thing and explained to ME that had all this occurred before I started going to him, my sister and niece would have behaved the same as always but I would have allowed them to place me directly into the role they wanted me to have in their life play…I would have done it without question as I always have cuz I just wouldn't have thought to question them especially at our mother's freakin funeral.  I would have been miserable….my kids would have been miserable… we would have all been subjected to my sister's wishes and her plans and whatever it was she wanted and she would have paid attention to us only when it behooved her in some fashion.  I would have left there pretty much numb or in robot mode over the loss of my mother but still clueless about why my sister acts the way she does.  I'd be blogging about the death of my mother as if it happened to someone else.  I would be able to talk about it as though it happened to someone else….then slowly but surely, it would start to sink in and I'd have a major delayed reaction in about 4-6 months from now.  I'd misplace emotions and transfer them to other things or people and not really understand what it is at all that I was feeling.  I did that when both grandparents died.  Hell, I've been doing that for 20 years over crap from when I was a kid. 

 

Now? I can tell you that while I do not feel regret for disengaging with my sister and her BS, I think it exponentially complicated matters because now while I'm trying to get through the guilt I feel for not getting further along in the process of forgiveness, acceptance, whatever it was I was trying to get to with my mother before she died…I also feel really angry and now I do not have a mother or a sister – the sister part I'll address later.  I loved my mother.  I loved her very much, she was my mother.  I never dreamt that she'd die so young.  I mean, I knew she wanted to… she's wanted to die for years but I guess I never thought it would really happen this early.  The only thing that kept her from suicide was her belief that it was a sin and that if she did it, she'd go to hell.  I feel the clock ran out on me.  Part of me feels like maybe I should have just 'sucked it up' and called her more..went to see her more… but part of me also feels like I have the right to feel what I feel – ALL of what I feel.  I cant have any more time with her now so I wont have the chance to get any further on the road to where I wanted to go with her.  I hope she knew I loved her.  I hope she knew my kids loved her.  We all have demons and choices we wish we would have made differently.  I'm sure she had some too.  It breaks my heart that she felt so miserable and gave up on life so long ago.  It truly does.  I have good memories of her and the other stuff doesn't matter anymore.  I am not looking forward to Mother's Day on Sunday.  Last year I remember calling her and feeling like it was a chore.  I am so overcome with guilt at times I can barely breathe.  Other times I remember random things about her and the fact starts to sink in that I cannot call her….ever again.  EVER AGAIN. 

 

I really don't know what I'm suppose to feel.  I feel so sad it makes my stomach hurt and I start to cry for no reason…I cant stop it… I feel overwhelming guilt…. I feel numb… I feel anger…and sometimes I feel all of that at one time.  Sometimes I hear people complaining about stupid crap and I want to scream at them… "SHUT UP!  My MOTHER is dead!!!"   I don't…but the thought enters my brain…a lot.  The last week, I've just cried.  A lot.  And I'm not a "crier".  I don't know what to say.  I don't know how to explain how I feel or what to really do when people say how sorry they are other than just mutter "thanks" and try to walk away or change the subject. 

 

Poor T thinks I'm upset at him or mad or whatever most of the time probably because I don't say much…I don't even want to watch hockey… and its not that I don't want to talk to him, it is that I have no idea what to say???  I don't know how to verbalize how it is that I feel or even what the hell it is that I feel.  That's ridiculous but true. 

 

My family relies on me for stuff, I cant be breaking down like this.  You know how apparently God never gives you more than you can handle? God is giving me WAY too much credit this year. 

 

God,

I am waiving the white flag.